Writing Blog Number 2

20240212 Types Of Love

Types Of Love

There are many, many types of love. And they should be utilised more in all aspects of writing.

This is an interesting topic, and is one that I actually did an essay on when I did my Bachelor of Arts (got a distinction, so it wasn’t terrible). Why should this be of interest? Because, in my experience, people who write about personal relationships tend to use two terms – love and friendship.

Well, there are a lot more than just those two.

The ancient Greeks had 8 different forms of love. Modern psychology has added a few extras to that list. And CS Lewis confused it all by condensing it to 4 and changing the definitions to suit his Christian-centric world-view; however, Lewis’ words have maintained some connection with people.

So, here is the list. The first 8 are the Greek ones, the following 4 are the newer additions. To be honest, there are around ten new additions, but most are simply nit-picking, splitting hairs sort of things, when they can really be covered by the Greek terms. So I took in my essay the four that really did not fit in with what the Greeks described.

Greek
1. Eros: This is physical love, sexual passion. There does not need to be an emotional component to this sort of love, though there may be. It can be coupled with other forms of love, however the attraction in Eros is physical at its core.
2. Philia: This is that strong, deep friendship that lasts through thick and thin. This is often experienced by those with shared upbringings or shared trauma. The people who share Philia have a deep connection mentally as well as emotionally.
3. Ludus: This is the friendship that is slightly less than Philia, but can also lead to more intense forms of love. The new love between a couple, the playfulness of a friendship group, children at play – this is where Ludus comes in. In Latin, ludus means “game” to show where the word led.
4. Agape: This is love for everyone, and can best be summed up by the term “empathy.” It is a universal sort of love, and involves not only acceptance, but also forgiveness and trust. The Greeks felt this was the ultimate in love, and the hardest to achieve.
5. Pragma This is the love that has lasted a long time. It has gone beyond Eros into being as one with the other person. Some consider this the act of staying in love, not falling in love or just being in love.
6. Philautia: This was the one many Greek philosophers considered the most important – love of oneself. In fact, the Greeks considered this the foundation of all other forms of love – how you love yourself is how you love others. Modern psychology takes a different tack, and it can be that those who dislike themselves are more affectionate towards others as a form of transference. If taken too far, the Greeks felt it become narcissism, which was a negative thing (and is now seen as a psychological disorder), but actual self-love is considered positive.
7. Storge: This is love for family. Not just family of blood, but those life-long friendships that have not passed over into another form of love, and are not born of Philia. However, even though there may be antagonism on the surface, the Greeks believed that family members shared Storge no matter what.
8. Mania: This was the negative form of love to ancient Greeks, and we would call it “toxic” today – an obsessive love. Nearly always unrequited, or if returned, done on one person’s terms only, it is when a person thinks another will ‘complete” them or make them “better”… or when they feel the pairing “needs” to be together. This is where stalking in all its myriad forms resides.
Extra
9. Paraphilia: This is a relatively modern form of love to be named, though it has existed for centuries. A Paraphilia is a love for something deemed unnatural. It could be harmless – a man who loves blue eyes to the extent he can only date a woman with blue eyes – or it could degenerate into something hideous or really unnatural. But it is a love that induces strong emotions in the person.
10. Zoophilia: While there are some negative associations with this term, this is a love of animals – including pets – beyond humans. It is not physical (that is bestiality, a paraphilia, although the DSM-5 equates the two, which is unfair), but it is deep-felt.
11. Hatred: This is an intense feeling of the absence of love towards something. Having said that, it is an emotion and it is adjacent to love, and the line between them is very thin. There is a reason the “enemies to lovers” trope exists.
12. Apathy: This is the opposite of love (and hate) in all its forms. It is a lack of emotion towards something or someone.

Same sex love used to be seen as a paraphilia (DSM-1, DSM-2 and DSM-3), but now is not even regarded as something to be mentioned separately when discussing love. In fact, as far as the Greeks were concerned, the forms of love they had applied to same-sex love as much as opposite-sex love.

Now, C.S.Lewis tried to mess it up in his attempts to Christianise the Western world. His book The Four Loves describes love forms thus:
1. Storge, a love based on empathy and dependency, as found in family
2. Philia, a love based on long-lasting friendship; he considered this the least natural
3. Eros, the romantic love bond of a sexual nature, with a mental connection as well
4. Agape, the unconditional love of God, and to which he felt all Christians should aspire
As can be seen, he took four of the Greek concepts and changed them based on his own brand of Christianity.

Anyway, ignore Lewis and his propaganda. There are many different forms of love that can make a relationship unique and stand out in a work of fiction, and an understanding of all of them could help make your characters really come to life.