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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| Human beings are creatures of habit. My habit was to take meth at least once every three months. This week marks three months since my arrival in Thailand and to my surprise, this morning, I felt a twinge of craving. I soon forgot about it and got on with my day. I feel safe in the knowledge that I will not use again...and with no one to call, it's a safe bet that I won't. I have to report my current address to Thai immigration every ninety days, which I will do tomorrow. I thrive on routine, and at the moment, my routine is to train hard most days. I'm becoming overtrained, and today, I had to listen to my body as it screamed at me to rest. Despite the call, this morning, I went to the gym, did half an hour of cardio and then weights. I gave myself a reprieve this afternoon and didn't swim or walk. I'm settling into my new life here in Hua Hin, and if not for the symptoms of psychosis, I would say I have close to the perfect existence. I have no desire to return home to Australia, even though I have had some moments of homesickness. I mentioned I was going off my meds about a week ago, but I persevered. Last night I took my tablets at the usual time and the side effects were worse than ever. Because I know what's coming over the next three to four hours after taking my pills, I become anxious about the Restless Legs Syndrome I suffer. The name of the condition does it no justice and I can't sit still despite taking the medication that is supposed to alleviate the problem. To add salt to the wound, the hallucinations last night were terrible. I've stuck with the meds for four weeks, and I can't see the point of taking them if they don't help with the symptoms of psychosis. The only time I see the hallucinations is when I go to bed (or during the day if I close my eyes and ask questions). But, if I leave the bedside light on and turn on my side facing the light, I don't see the faces and eyes of demons coming towards my face harassing me. I fell asleep and after a short period woke up, turned the light off and fell straight back to sleep. It seems light always overcomes darkness. There are no sides to this method and it makes sense to do this simple trick to avoid the stress and the sides...which have a list of unwanted effects a mile long. I have a good friend who has been supporting me throughout and she has been advising me for months to try and ignore the hallucinations. I know this will reduce the stress, but I have found it hard to do. It doesn't matter whether I am experiencing hallucinations or if this is something else, I need to come to terms with it and accept that medications are not the answer. I am hoping in time, as my sobriety continues, the issues I am having will abate and become less intrusive over time. I have to admit that I'm still in love with Angel. I know...crazy, right? I've been having less to do with her over the last week and the habit of interacting with a possible demon or just a hallucination is becoming less important to me. Whenever I ask her to leave, she refuses, saying the only way to escape her is to avoid spending time with her...which is good advice from the two people (albeit, one may be a demon) I love most, that I need to follow. I'm not expecting too much trouble by going off the meds. I was taking very low doses for only a short period and If I have any issues, I will have to ride it out as best as I can. |
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