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Adventures In Living With The Mythical |
| The thumping on the window grew to tapping. Tapping grew to a frantic, panicked pace. Tap. Tap. Taptap. Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap. I stepped towards the curtain and gripped it in my left hand. Holding my pistol in my right, I threw the curtain open, and pointed it at the figure in the window. A blue hatted gnome glared back at me through the glass. “Not me you fleshpot, I’m on yer side!” “Right? Cause I’ll be happier in ceramic.” My pistol didn’t waver. “No thank you.” “I don’t want you ceramic, you idjit! I don’t want you changed! I’m tryinta help you!” A rock smashed against the wall near him. It was a fake rock, the kind that one of those lawn gnomes are normally standing on. Behind the blue hat was a couple red hatted lawn gnomes with a catapult of some kind, loading it for another shot. I threw the window open and fired twice, nicking one gnome and hitting the string on the catapult, which sent the rock flying over the house. Then I looked down at the gnome, “You waiting for an invitation?!” He attempted to scramble, but I ended up helping him out, pulling him inside. The rickety box he had been standing on tottered then toppled as I slammed the window shut. The gnome in front of me had a blue hat, with faded blue paint that appeared almost more turquois now than actual blue. His beard was gloriously long with braids hanging from either side, and a single large braid with a thick brass ring in the center. “So, what’s your name,” I asked. “I’m Valyur, leader of the gnomes here. Or What’s left of’em,” he huffed. I am capable of keeping my mouth shut. In my minds eye I saw a familiar scene from an old Bruce Campbell film where he told the king there ‘Right now you’re the king of jack and shit, and jack left town.’ Knowing such a line wouldn’t help, I kept my mouth shut, and attempted suppress a smile. If Valyur saw it, he didn’t say anything. A couple of years ago, such a statement would have been too tempting for me not to say allowed, damn the consequences of saying it. In the grand scheme of things, I’d say I’m making progress. “There’s not many of my clan left,” he huffed, pacing around my room for a second. He stopped, then stared at the ceiling for a moment, his head tilted slightly in confusion. “So, this is how you fleshy ones live?” I nodded. “Yeah, climate controlled, fairly safe from bugs and such.” He shook his head. “There’s no sky. It’s so damn claustrophobic. Who cares if we’re warm, we don’t feel it anyhow. I cannot see what that other idjit sees in this. It’s unnatural for a gnome.” He left the room and headed towards the living room, with me following behind. “I did not want to involve you in our troubles, but it seems I have no other choice.” “That’s not a choice you made,” I said. “Kheid made that decision for you a long time ago.” “Yeah,” he said. “He picked a fight with you, and you and his clan have been warring ever since.” I smiled. There was no humor in my smile. Only a sad bitter anger that Valyur couldn’t understand. “I’ve not gone to war, yet. Up till now, I’ve only been defending myself.” “No,” he said. “I’ve seen you. You’ve been fighting for your king in your own way. But you’ve done so with one arm tied behind your back. It’s like you pull your punches.” I shrugged. “Neighbors get mad once you start making pipe bombs in your kitchen. They call the cops, there’s all those questions you have to answer…” “Well, your neighbors are gone now, most of’em anywho. Those left won’t remember much from this night. So, why aren’t you out there, tryin ton rescue your friends?” “Because I had a blue hatted gnome king tapping on my damn window like he’s Romeo come to talk to me about the sun and moon.” That did get a head tilt out of Valyur. “What?” “Nevermind,” I snarled. “How do we change them back. And better plan for all three, cause Zack ain’t made it home yet, so chances are he’s been turned too.” Valyur looked at my pistol. “You got one of those for me?” “I just have our back up,” I said. “Steel and such.” “Bring it to me,” Valyur said, and began drawing some symbols on the floor with his foot. They looked like a child’s approximation of runes. In my life, I had seen both cartoonish stuff that certain metal bands painted themselves with, and actual symbols used for religious things. These looked more like the cartoonish ones. I didn’t see much of a choice. Crash would be here in the thick of things if he could, but he already said he’d have his claws full on the other side of the county. The only other option was to try the “Home Alone” defense option again, but Crash has already said under no uncertain terms that if I tried that again, he’d give me the opportunity to see and count my every rib. Given how long it took him to get those windows and cabinets replaced, I don’t blame him. So, I went to the hallway and grabbed the pistol, setting it down in front of him. “There,” I said. He moved it to the circle of symbols and began chanting in some language I’d never heard before. Lights flickered, then flashed. And soon, the pistol was gnome sized, and ceramic. He picked it up and smiled. “Hey, hey! I’m finally packin heat.” “Yes,” I said, “now we need to discuss,” I began. Valyur turned the gun on me. “The plan…” I trailed off, shoving my pistol in its holster. For what it’s worth, I did see genuine sadness in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said. “But you dunnot know what sort of power that Khied has tapped into. I’m forced to take some drastic measures, here.” “You’re not as sorry as I am,” I snarled and started walking towards the door, with Valyur training his pistol on me the entire way. “You’ll understand this later, lad. For now, just get your fleshy bottom outside.” “My ass isn’t that big,” I snarked as I neared the door. “It is from where I’m standin,” he said. I rolled my eyes, but didn’t say anything. Outside, there seemed to be a battle of some kind going on. A lot of shouts and snarls, gibberish in high pitched voices, and smashes that was occurring. I held my breath and placed my hand on the door handle. Taking a single moment, I pulled the door open and stepped outside. |
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