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 |   My 2nd blog. My spot for sharing my life, music, and writing with my friends. |
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Hello, Hello. Fancy seeing you here. I'll work on making this nice and pretty later. *  I also have a poetry blog, for those who dig poetry:
AND I have a mental health group with a monthly challenge:
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars While the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car ♡ * I will never make this pretty. |
Artist: Third Eye Blind Song: The Background [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Write a list of at least 5 blogging prompts to add to the Challenge War Chest to be used for future rounds of the 30DBC. Then, use one of your own prompts to write your entry. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Welp, it's been real ya'll. What's everyone doing in February? Jeff  , Soundtrackers in Feb? Okay, 5 blogging prompts: 1. Without telling us the category, give us a list of your top 5. Then go guess the topic of your fellow bloggers' top 5 lists. 2. What are some life skills everyone should know (e.g. interviewing tips, personal finance)? 3. If you were given a chance to restart your life at a specific age, which age would you choose and what would you do differently? 4. If your life were to be listed as a movie genre, what genre would it most fall into and why? 5. What are some things that are socially acceptable to brag about on a first date but socially unacceptable to add to your resumé? Ugh, now I want to see people's responses to these so badly.  Let's see, which one do I want to respond to...What are some life skills everyone should know (e.g. interviewing tips, personal finance)?  It's only 'on sale' if you intended to buy it in the first place.I've frequently heard people say, "Oh, but it's 30% off!" "It's buy 2 get 1 free!" Yeah, but you didn't even know you wanted that thing until you saw that it was on sale, so, no...  You need to understand how credit cards, loans, and interest rates work.I had a conversation recently with a classmate who is at university on a full scholarship. Awesome, right? Getting a stellar education without going into debt. Well, no, this dumb dumb has been taking the student loans offered and putting them into the bank. . . We're seniors. They've been doing this for 4 fucking years. Literally why would someone hurt themselves to this degree (no pun intended). Their reasoning? "Well, it's offered, so I figured I'd just take it in case I need it for anything." Motherfucker, that shit has to be paid back with like 6% interest. I'm completely baffled. Credit cards aren't free money either, by the way. $10,000 credit card limit doesn't mean buy $10,000 worth of shit. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Oh, and doing so will fuck your credit too. Social skills (self-awareness, spatial awareness, general consideration for others)There should be a class on this because I think a lot of people aren't raised to understand the effect they have on their surroundings. Not that they're raised poorly, but just like they were never taught to pay attention to how they relate to their environment. So, some examples, it's super rude to: - Stand so close to someone in public that you're touching them when there is plenty of room to provide for personal space. - Slow your car down to a crawl on the street because you're unsure of the directions. Pull your car into a parking lot and get yourself situated before continuing to drive. - Talk super loudly or fuck around outside of an apartment complex or people's houses at 3 o'clock in the morning. - Grab food with your bare hands in any 'cafeteria-style' eating situation (wedding reception, office party, birthday party). You don't just, like, reach your hand into food that everyone is meant to eat. - Turn your cart/buggy sideways in the middle of a grocery store aisle while you contemplate what you'd like to eat for the next week. You know, just like basic things that you do when you have the self-awareness to be courteous of others. And please note, I'm actually being very optimistic here because I'm assuming that people just don't know that what they're doing has a negative effect on other people rather than assuming people are just dickholes who know they're dickholes and just don't care. Basic technology skills.It's 2019 so it's gonna increasingly difficult to explain why you can't do very minimal troubleshooting, complete web searches for information (AKA Google shit), know standard 'technology' terms (browser, network, ethernet cable, monitor). I dunno, just like extremely basic day 1 technology shit. I've had my mother come to me freaking out before because of some random thing going on with her phone. I told her to turn her phone off and turn it back on again. She was like, "How do I turn my phone off???"  Honestly, in 2019 and beyond, these are skills you need to learn. Also, people need to learn how to just calm down and read. That's the biggest thing. If your electronic device is doing something strange, pull up your web browser (after you've figured out what that is) and Google the issue that you're having. Calmly read some of the information that comes up and see if it's a super simple fix (like turning your electronic device off and then on again). How to manage your time.I'm admittedly not the best at getting things done, so this is one I'm still working on. In my defense though (and it's not much of a defense), my mental health is shit and it's difficult to focus. But even so, I'm never late for shit and if I say something's going to get done at X time, it's gonna be done at X time. I run into this all the time at school. People say something's gonna be done Tuesday... then Friday... then Sunday. It's like, you're either really bad with estimating how long a task takes or you're really bad at managing your time. Either way, it's an issue. Also, no offense to anyone, but I don't understand people who are consistently late for things. Can't you just set your alarm earlier or leave with plenty of time for traffic and other situations? Maybe someone can explain that one to me.  Everything is quiet Since you're not around And I live in the numbness now In the background |
Artist: The Beatles Song: Here Comes The Sun [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Allow me to share this quote regarding my local weather this week: ”Dangerous wind chills of -45 degrees F (-43 C) to -65 degrees F (-54 C) are expected for most of the period from Tuesday night through Thursday morning. This is a life-threatening situation...” etcetera, etcetera... stay inside... frostbite... etcetera. My question for you has two parts: What is the worst weather you’ve experienced? And what is your ideal weather? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm in a similar boat. The RealFeel temp right now is -16F. It's going to be -46F tomorrow. Basically, it's cold af. I'm at the point where it's like how cold is too cold? Like, how cold does it have to be before you can reasonably just say, “Fuck it, it’s too cold, I’m not going outside.” Because wind chill of -46 degrees F, which is -43 C for anyone using Celsius, is just way too cold to function. That’s just absurd territory.  I never paid any attention to the weather until I started getting migraines. Now it’s like I can feel the weather the second I wake up. I don’t even have to look out the window or step outside. The absolute worst weather conditions to me are 1) overly sunny and snowy (reflects off of everything which is migraine-inducing in its own way), and 2) rapid weather fluctuations of any sort. I hate when the temperature jumps from 10 degrees to 50 degrees, which happens somewhat frequently in the Midwest. It’s pretty much a guaranteed migraine for me every time. As you can imagine, spring and fall are pretty rough because of that. My favorite season now is summer because at least it’s just pretty much reliably hot outside. Like it might fluctuate between 78 and 92 degrees, but whatever, it’s hot either way. During season changes though, it can easily be 78 one day and 38 the next. It causes major migraine flare ups that can last weeks for me. So, that's the worst weather I've experienced- a particularly volatile autumn that led to repeated migraine attacks for the entirety of October and November and resulted in lots of hospital visits and migraine treatments. Another thing is storms. My favorite weather used to be stormy weather. I loved watching a storm roll in. Just the feeling of the electricity in the air, the lightning, the thunder… Storms were always my favorite, especially when I wasn’t driving or didn’t need to get anywhere. Now if I see that it’s going to storm I’m like, ah fuck, I’m gonna get a migraine. As you can see, the world revolves around me and my migraines.But seriously, I don’t care much what the weather is like anymore. I like the humidity and dark clouds when it’s about to storm. A lot of people hate that feeling of like thick, humid air. I love the smell of it though, so that’s probably still my favorite as long as it doesn’t induce a migraine. I really hate ice and snow, which is perfect because I live in a place where winter lasts from like November until late April.  Prompt: How can you identify a supportive person? What attributes does someone need to have for you to consider them part of your support system? What traits are absolute red flags for people in your support system? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I think empathy is one of the big traits people should seek in a support system. If I get a vibe that someone’s kind of indifferent to the suffering of others there’s just no way I can open up to them in an honest or meaningful way. I’m also partial to people who have the ability to just listen. Like, sometimes it’s nice when someone just listens and reflects what I’m saying back to me in a clear way. It’s like my mind is all jumbled and they’re picking up the fragments and cohesively handing them back to me in a way that makes sense. I think that’s invaluable. And along with that idea of just listening, I’m not a huge fan of people who immediately begin talking about their own story as I’m sharing something. Let me be clear though, there’s a big difference between, “I understand where you’re coming from. Here’s something I experienced that demonstrates that understanding” and “Oh yeah? Well, my experience is way worse, listen to this.” I’ve noticed it a few times in group. Someone shares something and is immediately usurped by someone’s else’s even worse situation. It’s altogether unproductive. Oh, also patience is a huge one. It takes so much patience and dedication to be a part of someone’s support system. At this point what I don’t/won’t do is part-time support. I don’t need you around when it’s convenient for you if it means you’re gonna be wholly unresponsive when I need you. Not like you were at work and took a day to respond, or you were having a bad week or were sick and didn’t respond, but like… "I’m not responding to you for 2 months and then I’m around every day again expecting interaction from you for 2 weeks and then I’m gone again for 6 weeks." Maybe it’s a BPD abandonment thing. Maybe I just crave stability. I’ve noticed that when people do kind of ebb and flow like that, I’ve started just giving them a high-level overview of what’s been up with me. I don’t do that oversharing thing where I rant a bunch to someone who’s not been around in forever. I give a super brief update and leave it at that, luckily for them. Also, and maybe as an aside, they told us in therapy that support systems should be mutual. You shouldn’t emotionally support someone who doesn’t support you in return. And at the same time, you shouldn’t expect support from someone you don’t support. So I kind of like that mutually beneficial support system idea and I’ve been trying to use that more frequently in my relationships. Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear Here comes the sun |
Prompt: Write about something happy in your life! What’s happened recently that made you smile? What’s the last thing you laughed at? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Man, I fucked up my own rules. Write your entry the night before it's due, not the night it's due after sitting in lectures all day. My mood isn't exactly peppy enough for this shit at the moment.  To be fair, I'm generally a pretty happy person. Well, let me rephrase that- I'm generally a pretty happy person for a limited period of time. The same way I'm generally rageful for a limited period of time. Or sad. Or any other emotion.I'm happy that I've gotten back on track with therapy after missing a couple sessions. I'm happy that I've been able to go to all my classes so far this semester. I've been getting into the bad habit of skipping classes the past couple semesters so I'm trying to avoid that this time around. Although I am hating this semester more than previous ones because every single class I'm in has a major group component, so I'm having to work with tons of people who have very different personalities and schedules. I can work with people in a job setting because we're all getting paid to work and we're all at work at the same time with the express purpose of working. School is pretty different. You have like 75% of the people who don't want to be there at all and who have a goal of doing the least amount of work possible. Then you all have different schedules so you have to try to work around a bunch of people's work schedules and school schedules. It's pretty much...... Shit. I'm gonna start ranting again. Noooo. Okay, I've stopped myself.Uh, funny videos that I've seen lately. Ummmm... Oh, well, I saw this video of the English comedian, Bill Bailey, playing well-known songs in different keys (major to minor, minor to major) and I loved it. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: I Believe In Symmetry [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Reflect on the 30 Day Blogging Competition as a whole. What is something you learned about yourself over the course of the month? What is something you learned about your fellow competitors? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** You mean what have I learned other than the fact that I can no longer blog without ranting? This is gonna be the entry where I don't rant at all. Just watch.So, one thing I've learned about myself this month is that if I'm doing a WDC-related challenge, I should get the prompt/task done the night before. For example, if the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  prompt for the following day is sent at 10:30pm WDC time, it's best if I knock it out before I go to sleep that night. Even though I have until 11:59pm the next day before it's considered late, it's just too risky to put it off. A couple times this month when I've not written my entry before going to bed, I've gotten busy with therapy/school/work and almost just skipped writing an entry.I didn't though, because I knew if I skipped one day I'd end up just quitting the challenge. So, I guess for my own future reference, if I want to participate in WDC things, I need to stay almost a day ahead of whatever's next on the table. Otherwise I'm going to get caught up in other stuff and end up dropping out. It works pretty well anyway because I'm not particularly productive with school at night anyway. I'm most productive in the afternoon/evening. As far as learning about other competitors, I don't really see the other bloggers as competition. My goal is to share the experience with people and form those blogging friendships. One thing that I've learned on WDC, and have told to many others over the years, is that you get in what you put out. If you want reviews, you need to regularly review others. If you want blog interaction, you need to interact with other people's blogs. I happen to be someone who will go in and like/comment pretty much every blog entry no matter what. But that isn't the consensus. A lot of people aren't going to continue reviewing your stuff, reading your entries, commenting on stuff, or generally interacting if they see that you're not returning any of that interaction. Not even as a conscious decision, but even just subconsciously, like, "I don't really know that person. I don't really see them around my blog" or whatever. The point is, if you're ever doing something as a group like this and you're wondering why you aren't getting a high level of interaction, make sure that you're regularly initiating interaction with people in their items. The interaction is what makes writing activities here so enjoyable. If not for the interaction, I'd go rant all my thoughts into my journal and forget about it. There was a prompt the other day about 10 random things about ourselves. I learned some fun stuff there about this month's challengers. Liiiiiiike, Lostwordsmith  smoked weed with cooked dinner for Willie Nelson QPdoll is Grateful has been incarcerated married for 30 years this year Prosperous Snow celebrating  failed her first driving test because she ran a stop sign (on her skateboard?) Lilli 🧿 ☕  has 12 pairs of Converse Chucks, meaning she is solely keeping the company alive. Get it? Sole-ly? 🌑 Darleen - QoD  hates iPhones (and other trendy things). In fact, if you're popular, she hates you as well. SPACE COBWEBS  has Benjamin Button disease. Robert Waltz  has never seen Titanic (except secretly and he cried). Elle - on hiatus saw Titanic 5 times in theater (possibly with Robert Waltz . penntonic hates snakes... like, a lot. *snake* Whata SpoonStealer  is a speed freak. Oops, I mean a speed reader. IceSkatingSugarCube  is ready to be blinded. bobturn's ex's telepathy treatments cost more than yours. MD Maurice inexplicably hates the singer Jewel and also precious jewels. 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024  loves her cats so much she developed an allergy to them. Apondia  lives in an Egyptian pyramid.***Note: My interpretations of their lists may or may not be accurate. I raise my glass to symmetry To the second hand and its accuracy To the actual size of everything |
Artist: The Used Song: Cut Up Angels [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: For this final Creation Saturday, write about something that’s in its final countdown. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My patience is on its final countdown, no fuckin' doubt. I'm on my last legs with being stretched so thin and pulled in so many different directions at once. It's a constant test of skills I've learned in therapy, and I must say, those skills don't cover all your bases. For example, no one tells me what I'm supposed to do when I'm under someone's thumb, reliant on them in some way (financially, emotionally, other), and they're using their position of power to make my day-to-day life unfun to live. People always tell me, like, "Oh, you just cut those people out!  " Which is a fun statement. At a 30,000 foot level, it makes sense. But it doesn't take into account all of the extraordinarily fucked up situations adults find themselves in regularly without ever having been prepared beforehand.Sometimes you can't just "cut someone out" unless you want to risk losing the base of your Maslow's hierarchy of needs. A rational person isn't going to say, "Well, you know... food and shelter are nice and all, but fuck it, 5 degrees fahrenheit is warm enough to sleep on the sidewalk, right?" I have a very human instinct to survive and to keep those needs met. And I have this idea in my brain about picking the lesser of the evils. What am I going to have to do in X situation versus what I'd have to do in Y situation. At the same time, I understand my current position. I'm in school full-time, my mental health is actually fucked, and I can't afford my bills on a part-time job. In addition, I understand that I don't have the mental capacity to work 50 hours a week to cover bills and go to school full time. Like, that shit is not happening. Period. So, yes, it's nice to think "ah, you just cut out anyone who gives you any shit," back here on earth where I'm living in a reality, I can't just cut out certain people. And without having that understanding, it isolates me even further. It makes me feel like the solution is super simple. Like, oh, just cut off my money supply, got it! I try not to be bothered by that. I know that people are just trying to help. I know that my situation isn't conventional, and who I am in general isn't the most "traditional" person. But none of that changes the fact that my patience is on its last legs. Yes, I have a temper problem. I have wildly oscillating mood swings. The thing is, all of that is magnified and amplified so much by being around the toxicity of these people who sense a feeling of 'control' over me. They obviously do have control over me because they're needed, but someone knowing that they have control and someone exercising that control... They're two totally different things. The level of manipulation and the level of just being completely cornered makes me lash out. I'm not saying that I don't have fault or that I shouldn't have better emotion regulation. I'm not saying that when I do lose my temper I've done the right thing. All I'm saying is that I don't think people are picking up on the fact that my current circumstances or situation (through my own fault, probably) isn't going to allow me to regulate my moods. I would actually love to see other people try to regulate their emotions and remain patient while dealing with some of the shit I'm dealing with. In therapy, in my group, people act like shit is so simple. Like, "well just count to 10!" Like, no, fuck off. If you had a pile of assignments to do, a bunch of school groups who refused to communicate, and the worry of where you're going to get rent money on top of these fucked up 'friendships' that are like, "nO tHaTs CoOl iTs jUsT LiKe I dOnT gEt WhY I cArE mOrE AbOuT yOu ThAn YoU cArE aBoUt mE." It's like, holy fuck with this shit. When I get a stable job, one thing I'm never gonna do again is let someone believe that they have any sort of power over me. People just cannot be responsible with power. No matter how small the power, it will absolutely go to their head and they'll strongarm you into these absolutely infuriating conversations that are beyond manipulative because they know that there is nothing you can do about it. You basically become their emotional punching bag. If they have a bad day, all of a sudden they're bringing up some random thing you did weeks before that they've been holding onto for this very purpose. What it really reminds me of is... I don't know if anyone will know what I'm talking about, but when you're a kid and someone bigger than you, like, holds you down and makes you say "Mercy" or "Uncle" before they'll let you go. This is the metaphorical version of that. It's like, I have you cornered. There's no way for you to get out of this situation. And I'm just gonna keep fucking with you, and prodding at you, and pushing you until you flip out. And then when I do flip out, when I do completely lose my shit (and I will), they're like, "Oh my god! *surprise pikachu face* Why are you acting so psychotic?!?!" So having this constant background noise of negative interpersonal relationships, toxic arguments, being pushed and pushed, it makes me unproductive in every other aspect of life. It's like, how can I analyze these accounting statements for school and also have this conversation with you about how awful I am. How can I do my therapy work and simultaneously listen to someone's critical analysis of my actions from a conversation or situation that occurred 3 weeks ago that I DON'T EVEN FUCKING REMEMBER BECAUSE MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK. And then when I'm like, "I don't even remember that conversation. I don't remember doing that or saying that." They're like, "tHaTs BeCaUsE yOu DoNt CaRe." As though not caring about someone makes you literally forget an entire conversation you've had with them. Like, that's normal. Even if they were right to pick at me about whatever, I should still be able to remember what the fuck they're talking about. I legitimately just can't. The constant pushing and pulling from all directions is so much. I know it's my fault. I know that I've engaged in these toxic relationships and gotten myself stuck where I am. That doesn't change the fact that my patience is stretched so very thin. It's not a matter of if I rage out and get in trouble again. It's a matter of when. And I'm sick of people acting like they'd fare better in my shoes. Like they wouldn't be rattled or would just keep their cool or, worse, would just cut out the negativity. If only life were as easy as cutting out the negative parts. On another note, I am going to miss "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" at the end of the month. I always meet new people during blogging challenges. It's my favorite way to meet people on WDC because I do feel like you just get to know each other so well in that time. I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to talk to new people like Robert Waltz , IceSkatingSugarCube , bobturn, penntonic, SPACE COBWEBS , and MD Maurice every day. I'm happy I've gotten to catch up with people I've known for a while, like 🌑 Darleen - QoD , Lostwordsmith , QPdoll is Grateful , QPdoll is Grateful , Lilli 🧿 ☕ , Warped Sanity , 💙 Carly-wrimo 2024 , Whata SpoonStealer , and everyone else. These challenges are fun because it's like I get to trap people, new and old friends, with me for a month. They can't really escape me because they've got to post their entries in the forum so I know when they've written something. I'm always sad when these things wrap up because I'm like who knows when we'll all be blogging for the same prompts again every day. It's hard. I miss tf out of blogging every day with all of my old blogging buddies like, Cinn . Fivesixer  , Lyn's a Witchy Woman  , Elle - on hiatus (although I have gotten to see her some this month), Mitchopolis  , ~Minja~  , etc...You really have to appreciate these opportunities because you don't know when you'll all have the time availability to be in the same place at the same time doing the same thing again. Being around positive, productive people helps ease some of the other negativity I have going on. I also got to meet Emily  this month and that's been awesome. She and Sum1's In Schaumburg  have done a great job of hosting. I hope we'll all get caught up in an activity together in the future.  If we cut out the bad Well, then we'd have nothing left |
Artist: Smashing Pumpkins Song: Disarm [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Make a list of at least ten random facts about yourself. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This is somehow a difficult prompt for me. It's hard to think of random facts when people know everything about you. If you keep up with my blog at all, you're already all up in my business whether you want to be or not. This week is not ending super great for me. I have so many group projects at school that I'm pretty much not participating in because I'm so burnt out on everything. One of my groups has so many people in it that I haven't even met all the members yet and we've been in class together for 3 weeks.On top of that, I've skipped therapy for two days in a row. I skipped one day and it was so nice to not go out in the morning, so I just skipped the next day too. After talking to people on Discord, I realized that I might get in trouble for not going because it's court ordered (thanks, charitykountz). So I had Kira call him and tell him I've had a migraine, but he wanted to talk to me. He said that you can't cancel sessions for being sick after the session, you have to call before. I asked how you can know if you're going to be sick. The sessions are so early does it really matter if you call in at 7 in the morning and leave a message that you won't be there? It's not like it matters for the group and for the individual sessions they couldn't fill those time slots that fast. He got kind of shitty and just said that the days I missed are marked as unexcused. I just said okay, cool. Like, I don't even know what that means. The sessions are just so annoying. They drag on and on. The group ones are even worse. I have no idea what people are talking about. I can't focus or follow the discussion. Not to mention the fact that 90% of the things people are talking about is completely unrelatable to me. I only have like 4 weeks left so I need to just finish it and hope for the best, but my emotions, like my moods are so bad. The fact that my therapist got super snappy about it just makes me split on him. It makes me not want to go because I don't want to see him. But I am going to go, so I should finish start this entry so that I can maybe sleep. Alright, so, let's see... 10 things about me. After that rant, what more could you need to know? 1. I'm left-handed, but can use both of my hands for most things because I was encouraged to use my right hand a lot as a kid. 2. I'm a fan of nonfiction everything- memoirs, true crime shows, and I'll watch any documentary ever. It's just cool to learn about new things. 3. I work with and have in the past worked with several nonprofits, my favorites being mental health nonprofits, of course. 4. I'm the B part of LGBT.   5. My favorite movie genres are psychological thrillers and horror. 6. I was technically born in autumn, even though my birthday is in December and we're usually covered in snow by then.  7. I'm a sympathetic crier and will at the very least get choked up if someone I'm around starts crying. Unfortunately, I'm also a sympathetic vomiter and will at the very least start gagging if I'm around someone who vomits.  8. I love listening to people talk passionately about anything. As long as they're educated and can articulate well, I'll listen to someone talk excitedly about doorknobs all day. I especially love listening to someone who has a niche hobby that they don't ever get to talk about. 9. My grandparents were my neighbors growing up and I saw them every single day throughout my childhood. 10. I'm slowly ruining people's lives with Discord addiction. Here's an invite: WDC Discord Invite Disarm you with a smile And leave you like they left me here To wither in denial |
Artist: Hole Song: Violet [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: How did you start writing? Did someone urge you to write, or did it come naturally? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My evolution into a writer came about super naturally. I alway "wrote" I guess. Before I knew how to actually write or read English, I would make up stories and scribble on paper, ya know, like a writer would. Not being able to read was so frustrating for me then. Every time we were in the car, I would ask what every billboard said. If we were at a restaurant, I wanted someone to read me the entire menu and point along with the words so I could see them. I had older brothers who could read and I was always bothering them to read me books. I really liked horror stuff and my oldest brother had the entire Goosebumps series . For those who don't know, they're horror fiction books meant for ages 7-12 and they're around 110-130 pages each. I would beg my brother to read me these stories, but of course, who wants to read 120 pages to a 4 year old? The first thing he did when I was able to read was give me his entire collection of Goosebumps books, probably because he was happy to not have to read them to me anymore.I was a voracious reader from the second I learned how to read. By the time I was 8 or 9, my reading level was much higher than average. I lived in a small town and went and even smaller grade school, so nothing was done to fan that flame. It was just like, oh hey, you can read really well for your age. Cool... As soon as I could write, I began writing Goosebumps-style horror stories of my own. My cousin and I would write together frequently growing up. We'd both have a story going in a notebook. We'd each write one page, then switch notebooks and the next person would write the next page. I couldn't tell you how many stories we wrote over the years. I loved having a writing partner like that. Every time I got stuck in a story, she'd seem to write the perfect thing to get us unstuck. When I started getting older though, my life in general started getting more unstable. My home life had always been unstable, but I suddenly started reacting to the instability. I would lash out in anger regularly, my moods were all over the place, and I would self harm in an attempt to release any measure of the anxiety and rage that had most likely been building for years. During that time, I sadly stopped writing. I mean, I wrote in a journal daily, but my creativity absolutely died. It was like that for years. I got to the point where I was so self-destructive, that every day was just like, how can I self-destruct more today? Predictably, this caused even more tension at home and eventually led to me being kicked out. My parents couldn't handle the level of my impulsivity and destruction. At that point, I stopped writing completely. I ended up losing almost all of those journals I'd written before too because I was bouncing around from couch to couch and ended up losing almost all of my belongings along the way. I have a few journals still that I was able to keep in my possession, but I'd say I lost like 90% of them. I really wish I had some of the journals I kept at specific ages because they'd be so enlightening to have now. I joined WDC specifically because I wrote for the first time in years. I was in rehab the month before I joined WDC in January of 2014. In rehab, I ended up writing "Night Dancing" , which was my first poem in years and years and years. For some reason, for the first time in years, I yearned to share my writing with someone. But because the poem was quite personal about my struggles with mental illness and because it had been so long since I'd written, I didn't feel comfortable sharing it with anyone around me.One of the first things I did out of rehab was search writing communities online. I wanted to focus on a healthy hobby for once. I thought writing was the release I needed. That's when I stumbled upon WDC, and I guess the rest is history? Looking back at that poem, I gotta admit, I don't love it. It's way too straightforward, but it encapsulates a lot of what people experience when they 'come out' to loved ones about needing mental health help. I'll still hold it in my heart forever probably because it's the poem that got me back into writing.Prompt: Brag about yourself a little bit. Write about something you're good at. What makes you think you're good at it and what have you done to excel? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I feel like I'm pretty good at actively listening to people and making them feel comfortable to talk. One of my first courses in college had a huge active listening component and you had to be listening all the time in case you got cold called on. I learned how to do more than just hear the words that someone's saying. I learned more about how to read body language and hear the things between the lines. The things someone doesn't say are sometimes just as important as the things they do say. I do have an attention issue, however, so this skill works far better for me in writing that in real time. You can still actively listen in writing. You can read between the lines. Sometimes tone gets confused, but I think I've gotten pretty solid at detecting it. If I know someone well enough, I can tell something is off by the first couple messages they send in a chat. In real life, people have told me that they feel comfortable talking to me because they don't feel like I'm judging them. One thing I hear fairly frequently in real life conversations is, "Oh my god, I can't believe I just told you that..." I can be pretty quiet in person, especially if it seems like the other person needs to get something off their chest. I'll just add a few things in here and there to indicate that I understand and that I'm actively listening. The biggest times I have inattention issues during conversations is when I feel like someone is lecturing me and when I'm not interested in the topic- which often goes hand in hand, I guess. Those conversations are like in one ear and out the other, unfortunately. And the sky was all violet I want it again, but violent, more violent |
Artist: Audioslave Song: Be Yourself [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: How different was your life one year ago? How different do you imagine your life will be one year from today? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I just wrote an entire entry and then deleted it. Have you ever done that? I got to the end and I was like, holy fuck, I'm even boring myself. *insert generic hopes for the future* Like, no, I don't wanna write boring shit. I'd rather just not write if I'm gonna put my own ass to sleep doing it. The fact of the matter is, it's kind of hard for me to think about the past and it's even harder for me to think about the future. I can sit here and say, "Oh boy, I hope I'm graduated by this time next year and have a big boy job in a big boy office with big boy hours!" But honestly? That makes me want to off myself right fucking now. The worst thing haunting my thoughts daily is that I'm working toward some bullshit I don't even want. Like, I want job security. I want healthcare and all that. But do I wanna work 9-5 in an office? I am legit going to be in danger. I mean, and that's the best version of events. The worst version is not finding a job and having a magnificent load of student loans to pay back. Okay, well, hang on. I’m being negative. The *best* case scenario is that I’ll be able to get a remote job and work from home. I’m telling you straight up, I won’t last face to face in an office. My mood swings are legitimately so bad that I can’t even fathom attempting to get myself into a building around other people for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week. I can barely manage going to school for 7 hours a few days a week. And that’s with being around a different sent of people every 90 minutes or whatever. Then, of course, there’s my mental health. There’s the hope (again) that my various therapies and treatments balance me out before next year, but is that really even feasible? I’m so burnt out on school that I can’t even do homework. I go to lectures all day long and don’t remember a fucking word that was said. I’m there only physically- my mind is completely gone. That’s a change from last year too. At this time last year, burnout was on the horizon, but it was absolutely incomparable to the level of mental fatigue and “I don’t even give a fuck anymore” that I’m feeling now. So it’s like, realistically, how is my mental health going to get better between now and next year? If anything, I think my shit’s about to get a whole lot worse. The things that change the most for me year to year are relationships. People I’m inseparable from one year, I straight up don’t even know the following year. It’s weird in your twenties too because people are ‘settling down.’ Like, I’ve known several people who have gone from single, no kids to married, kids, and a house within like 18 months. And then you never really see them around anywhere or talk to them because you’re completely incompatible with their life now. And it happens so fast. I also just have a lot of strenuous, tumultuous relationships anyway. Things go from overly passionate to crazy hostile from one moment to the next, so it’s not really a surprise that the people I was hanging out with at this time last year are becoming more and more of a distant memory. Oh, and, while we’re on the subject- am I the only one who can hardly remember anything? Not like, oh, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but like, my entire life has been one giant fucking blur. My memories feel like wet paint that someone’s just slid their hand over. People are always bringing things up. Just random things we’ve done, things I’ve said, specific days. And I’m like, man, I seriously don’t even remember that day or that situation happening. They’ll get more in detail and I’m like, yeah, I totally believe it happened, I just don’t remember it occurring at all. And how the fuck do other people remember like the tiniest details? The memories I do have are so blurry that they’re actually mixed into other memories. Sometimes I have a situation right, but the location, timeline, or people involved is totally off. The best way I can describe my memories is that it’s like when you read a book that you’re super invested in and then years later, you try to tell someone about specific scenes from the book, but you’ve forgotten most of the specifics, you just remember vague events and feelings. Your timeline is maybe a bit off. You might mix up a couple characters. My actual memory of my own life is like trying to remember a character’s life in a book I read one time several years ago. Even things that seem like they’d be fairly unforgettable, I’ll mix up. Like for example, I’ll mix up people I slept with. I was talking to someone recently who I thought I remembered hooking up with, but they told me no, that was this other person. But, the person I thought I hooked up with was at the same place at the same time in the living room. That’s how they knew who I was referring to. Shit like that is baffling to me. How can I mix up two real life people in an intimate situation? So, what I’m getting at is that I do remember January of 2018, but in a much more real sense, I don’t remember January of 2018. I have blurred memories, but who knows how mixed up and intertwined those memories are with each other? I just don’t know. So I’ll assume that nothing major has changed between now and one year ago, except I’m in a lot more debt now and more burnt out that I ever imagined possible. And even when you've paid enough Been pulled apart or been held up Every single memory of the good or bad Faces of luck |
Artist: Tool Song: Lateralus [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: What is your preferred book reading medium? Kindle, computer screen, audiobook, or good old fashioned paper? How come? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My brain quite literally isn't working today, so bear with me. I've been trying to do anything for like 5 hours now and nothing has gotten done. I didn't sleep last night though, so that's probably causing some of the sluggishness. That's my way of saying this entry is gonna be shitty, by the way.So yeah, I was one of those people who thought they'd never switch over from 'real' books. I couldn't imagine not having the physical book to hold and turn the pages. Like most readers/writers, I love everything about the physical book experience. The smell of the pages, the feeling of holding a book, running your finger along the spine, flipping the pages, etc... Buuuuut, I'm a total digital convert at this point. It started with moving so frequently and having to try to pack and move books all the time. Physical books are heavy! The last time I moved, I got rid of a bunch of books because I realized I had the digital version of most of the books and I was sick of packing/moving them constantly. I must say, I do miss having actual physical books, but it's impractical for me at this point. Maybe if I had a house, I'd be able to have a library full of books and not have to worry about moving them any time in the near future. For now though, I have several of my most favorite physical books. The rest are all digital. I read on my iPad using the iBooks or Kindle app. I even get the digital versions of mental health workbooks and write in those with the apple pencil on my iPad. It's... insanely convenient. I have the workbooks backed up so I can pull them up on my computer and check my progress. Plus, you can carry so many books on such a small device- with no added weight. If you're one of those "I'll never switch to digital books" people, please do yourself a favor and try it out. It'll be weird at first, but once you get used to it, I think you'll see that the pros outweigh the cons. My prime reading time is when I can't sleep at, like, two in the morning. It's nice to be able to read on my tablet without having to turn on the lights and wake people up or use some shitty book lamp. Prompt: Have you ever regretted opening up to someone about your struggles with mental illness? Who was it and what made you regret being so candid? Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I definitely have some regrets in this area. You guys know I'm super open here about my mental health. I try to be more closed off in real life, but my mental illness just comes out after a while. BPD in particular is so difficult for me to hide. You can only hide up and down mood swings for so long. Once someone knows you even slightly they'll start picking up on the fact that you're in a different mood every time they interact with you. I have acquaintances at school who will sit next to me and class and be like, "You're in a bad mood today?" before I've even talked to them. It's just all over me. It's in my eyes, in my body language, in the cadence of my words, in the tension of my jaw. It's impossible for me to hide. Sadly, people rather frequently approach me with caution like, "Hey, bud, how you feeling today...?" I think I've tried to combat it with honesty. Just saying, hey, so I have this issue and I might get kind of crazy sometimes but it's not a reflection on you or our relationship/friendship. My main thing is telling people that it'll pass, so if I'm being a dick or I'm not acting the way I should be acting, just completely ignore me and get away from me for a bit. I'm bound to feel guilty and I'll apologize and then everything will be cool. Some people are totally cool with that. Cinn for example has told me I'm being a dick or to cool out or whatever before. But some people aren't able or aren't willing to do that. They'll escalate the situation by pushing back on me until I lash out even harder. It's such a shitty thing to say, but I'm like, you're not going to win against my crazy. You can get as aggressive or pissed off as you want, I'm just going to escalate the situation even further until someone gets hurt I get hurt. Not because I want to, but just because that's what's going to happen.I've regretted opening up to people who don't understand mental illness. For example, past school group members or coworkers who have used my mental health against me. Just basic things, like telling people I'm crazy before I get a chance to meet the person and let them get to know me a little bit. I've also had people who instigate a situation and then they're like, "LOL, he's just crazy!" when my mental health had nothing to do with it. My parents are better at dealing with mental health now because we've had several more family members come out about needing help for mental illnesses. But back when I was a kid and I was the only one 'out' with those issues, my family was horribly unsupportive. Like to the extent that we don't even talk about my mental health now. I'll talk to my mother about mental health issues, but only in relation to how I can help support other family members in their recovery. We never even touch on my mental health issues. That's because when I was like maybe in my early teens, my parents were absolutely cruel with mental health issues. Like, would regularly call me weird, weak, or stupid when I expressed any of the issues I was having. In their defense, I was pretty suicidal at the time and they didn't know how to react. They were just kind of like, "This is stupid." It was totally dismissed, and nothing will make you regret opening up about your mental illness more than being dismissed. As below so above and beyond, I imagine |
Artist: The Rolling Stones Song: Sister Morphine [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt: Today in the US is Martin Luther King Day, a federal holiday celebrating the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr., a civil rights activist best known for advancing civil rights through nonviolence and civil disobedience. In August of 1953, King delivered his famous speech “I Have a Dream” calling for civil and economic equality for all Americans and the end of racism. On this Motivational Monday, write a speech advocating for something you’re passionate about and use the phrase “I have a dream” in your entry. Via ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I have a dream... that someday the mental healthcare system in the U.S. won't be such a fucking joke. I mean, the entire healthcare system is actual trash, but the mental healthcare system specifically is all of the trash accumulated and then set on fire. At least if you're one of the lucky bastards to have healthcare in the U.S., you can get pretty good physical healthcare treatment. Mental healthcare is so inaccessible and so poorly regulated that it's actually embarrassing for a country of our stature. I have a family member in the psych hospital now and just experiencing things from the other side for once has been even more eye opening. Like, you know things are pretty shit when you're inside, but your mind is so unclear and they've usually got you on new meds that make your thought processes even slower. It's like thinking through molasses. You can almost plug thoughts in, but just.not.quite. From the outside looking in though, it's like, what in the actual fuck are you doing? Let's run through a couple basics: My family member has a drug addiction. This is her first interaction with the mental healthcare system, she's never been to a therapist or psychologist before. Never gotten any treatment. She attempted suicide and got put on one of those super fun psych holds. So, those are the basics. Now, listen to the "treatment" she's received. On day 1, her doctor asked her, "Do you feel depressed?" My family member said, "Kind of, maybe. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or anxious or both." The doctor said okay and put her on an SSRI. No diagnosis, no explanation of the medication she was being put on, no conversation about types of talk therapy that might be helpful. Nothing at all. She was finally able to get through to me from the hospital and I had to explain to her what her medication is, what side effects she might experience, how long she can expect to be on it before noticing an effect. Like, holy fuck. Is this not the DOCTOR'S job? You're a fucking psychiatrist. This is your only job. You're only one. You can't even explain to a patient who has never been in the system before what their medication is and what to expect on it? That shit should be like a bare minimum job requirement. They're going to release her shortly. I asked her what the outpatient treatment plan is. Her response? "What do you mean?" The hospital has not set up any kind of outpatient treatment for her. Like, hasn't even given her resources of any sort or told her what she can do when she leaves to make sure she doesn't end up back in there or worse. No, like, "We're going to connect you with this outpatient clinic where you'll have weekly appointments." Or, "Here's a support group that meets twice a week." Or, fuck, I don't know, "Here's some literature that might be useful." Or literally anything at all?? It's laughable. They've done lnothing except keep her locked up for a few days. The shit is baffling and infuriating. They haven't given her family any resources or spoken to them at all. It's legit just like, whoopsie, sucks you almost died. Here, have fun on your next attempt. My experiences in the mental healthcare system haven't been much better. Just for fun, let's do a quick rundown of shit I've run into in while receiving our amazing mental healthcare willingly or unwillingly: A psychologist who called me lazy during our very first appointment and told me I'd probably feel better if I stopped being lazy. A facility staff member who worked almost 17 hours straight with a 45 minute break and spent almost the entire time at work befriending the patients and laughing about his own drug use. A therapist who repeatedly canceled appointments at the last minute with no explanation until I was told by the office staff to just find a new therapist. A therapist who told me if I couldn't pay the fee for each session out-of-pocket at the time of the visit, they wouldn't treat me. I was offered no additional resources. Like, not even information on low-cost clinics or anything. The therapist said, "Can you pay the $150 at our next appointment or not?" I told them I didn't have the money for it and they said, "Okay, we'll take you off the schedule then. Good luck." That was it. A doctor who took me off all of my meds cold turkey because they preferred a more holistic approach. A facility staff member who asked me if I "felt no shame" for "ruining everyone's lives" around me. Facility staff members who would loudly laugh and joke around while patients were trying to sleep. Including telling each other sexually explicit stories, talking about partying, cussing nonstop, and joking about how much they just wanted to "leave right now and see what the patients do to each other." Rehab facility staff that directly referred to patients as "shitheads" "retards" "junkies" etc... Facilities that use excessive force to subdue patients, restrict everyone's freedom based on the actions of one patient, and just generally treat people as though they're subhuman.I haven't had all bad experiences. I've met extremely passionate and empathetic medical staff and general staff in these facilities. Sometimes the day shift staff is amazing and the night shift staff is horrible or vice versa. I've met facility staff who have genuinely cared about every patient who walks through the door. I've met doctors who could make more money at a private facility, but will never leave state-run hospitals because they care so much about the betterment of the patients' treatment. The job isn't monetary to them- it's personal. That being said, I wouldn't recommend it. On average? I'd rate my experiences at like a 4/10. 10 being super awesome, amazing, helpful experience. 1 being like holy fuck, I'm way worse off than when I went in. 5 being literally nothing has changed and I feel nothing related to this experience. What happens way too frequently is that everyone is terribly overworked. You have doctors and therapists who just physically don't have the time to get to know their patients. They do the fastest possible overview glance and then just start prescribing meds or fucking with your current ones in the hopes that it'll be a good enough bandaid, or at the very least, look like they're treating you. Even when the doctors/therapists are above average, the hourly staff can be pretty awful. They're overworked, get paid like $13 an hour, and aren't super educated. Like, they went to high school and then they took a 2 hour exam for a certificate that now qualifies them to work with severely mentally ill patients. They just quite literally don't have the education or skillset that would make them useful in these situations. Sorry if that offends anyone here who's a mental health technician/orderly/whatever, but it's sadly true. The staff to patient ratio is way too low and they just simply don't have the ability to help. I have been in situations where it's the opposite- the doctors are so overworked that they barely even look up from their computer or your file when you're talking to them. They change up your meds and your meeting with them is pretty well over. But the staff has made it feel less shitty by being empathetic, compassionate, and thoughtful. It's just way too often when both of them are pretty well over their jobs and just ready to go home as soon as possible. The bottom line is that there is so little regulation that you never know what you're going to get when seeking treatment. You might get a place that is clean, well-managed, and has a well-trained, empathetic staff. Or you might get a place where your existence is basically reduced down to a patient number, a room number, a script list. The staff is completely disillusioned and you'll feel about as small as the cockroaches on the floor. That lack of consistency makes getting help terrifying. Even outpatient, it's like, is my therapist going to call me a lazy fuck? Are they going to randomly raise rates 3 months into treatment and kick me out when I can't pay it? Am I going to run into a therapist pushing their preferred treatment method rather than what I need? Is it even worth the risk to attempt to find someone who is understanding and nonjudgmental? I hesitate to even post this rant because I do run "Invalid Item" and wouldn't ever want to lead someone away from seeking treatment because of fear of the mental healthcare system. I will say that if you're in it or plan to enter it, you should be extremely proactive. Call people out on stuff. Hold them accountable as much as you can. If your therapist seems to be actively working against you or doesn't seem invested in your recovery, dump them and get another one. Be prepared to search until you find the right fit for you because it honestly might take a while.I definitely wish this was more regulated so that you know what you're going to get every time you need treatment. You shouldn't have to hope that you get sent to one of the good places. There shouldn't be places that are notoriously horrible in the mental health circuit. There's so much funding and work that has to go into this problem in order to overhaul it- which is what it needs. An overhaul. It's exhausting and depressing to even think about. Please, Sister Morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams |
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People definitely tend to jump straight to the worst conclusion when any problem arises, which is why you so frequently hear, "My computer is broken!" when there's really a simple fix. 
I have seen so much of the disasters it has caused with some people. I have in the past been unconsciously roped into financial situations that were most unpleasant and having to make sensible plans to unravel them.