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The word "why" is a potty word. |
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Never ask why. You might get an answer that makes you wish you never asked. I stare in awe as the birds fly by. Secretly caged; yearning to be free. Looking up towards the sky; It’s where I want to be. Flapping wings, destination unknown; Can you not see- This prison my soul has outgrown. Open the door and release me; Tomorrow may be my last breath. No longer the room to grow, The inevitable is death. DebW ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I’m at my mom and dads house with headphones on listening to my favorite songs. They have this big glass window in the living room and the lake is taking a beating. It’s thundering and raining pretty heavy. Looks like I will be here in Louisiana for awhile. My dad is now in a lot of pain. He said he knew this was coming. If there is someone you love, tell them now. |
| The woman walked over to the window and opened it letting the wind and snow rush in. Her hair blew as she lifted her head and closed her eyes. She heard the door behind her open. “You came.” She said without turning around. “Yes,” The woman was shaking from the cold as she continued to stare out the window. This was the moment her life would change forever. What happened next? a. Room service finally showed up with breakfast b. Ed McMann stopped by or you tell me. c. |
| I will not be getting a blue month. I blew it. Been sick this whole week. I think I am beginning to get car sickness. How do truck drivers do it? Im going to bed now.  |
| Okay I’m back. I think.  It is reaching the end of July. How amazing is that? My dad is still here although things have taken a turn for the worst. Call it denial but I didn’t think it could get worse. Watching him deteriorate right before my eyes is unfreakin believable. I went home for awhile and helped get things caught up; cleaning, cooking, etc. It was a hard week on me mentally. We all know Deb doesn’t need any extra help in that department. I am mental enough already. Treatment is done and now hospice will come in if mom will allow it. She is still in the denial phase and she has me, right? Yeah well I had to pick my father up off the floor when he fell Saturday. It took 30 minutes to get him to the couch. This week my back is reminding me of the whole ordeal. Well that is all I know right now. |
| For six hours we waited for the results to come back. It had already become obvious to me that she was pregnant. Emily lived in a world where circumstances could be avoided by closing the door to reality. I admired this quality about her at times. Pain was something she could run from and never look back. I don’t think it was a natural talent of hers but more of a practiced technique she eventually mastered. The nurse I spoke to on the phone confirmed what I already knew; Emily was in fact pregnant. “When are you going to tell your mom?” Emily just stood there staring out into the front yard through the glassed in porch. There were no words for what seemed like hours. “Tonight,” she said with no emotion what so ever. Her mother would not take this news well at all. She herself had gotten pregnant at nineteen and was forced to marry the father of her child. Both were too young and immature to take on such a responsibility. The child suffered the first consequences of many to come in the years that had followed. “You will not have this child,” her mother told Emily. “I’ll take you tomorrow to get this taken care of. I won’t allow you to destroy your life too.” And that was that. There was no more conversation between the two. The decision was made for Emily. Emily lay there on the cold steel waiting for it to become a coffin. She thought about the father and wondered what he was doing at that moment. Did he ever think of her? She knew he didn’t love her or so she thought. He would not be running in to save what they had created. Emily had after all pushed him away because he had gotten too close to finding out her secrets. The doctor entered the room. Emily had already gotten dressed and pushed past him. She ran as fast as she could. Months later Emily heard the heartbeat for the first time. She told me how amazing it was and also how hard it was becoming to hide her. Emily didn’t know she would not keep her hidden for much longer. The car crossed the center line and the last thing Emily saw was glass breaking and the black pavement. |
Wow I just found out April spun2sugar is gone due to heart failure.:( Remembering the last time I talked to her brings a lot of emotions up. It was a couple of months ago and I can’t remember what she wrote in her blog that day. It now says invalid entry. I left her a “I love ya” She replied it's good to know you're still there deb! sug It’s sad to hear she passed because she was a beautiful spirit in so many ways. Given the things she fought for and against in this life, she always out shined so many with her heart. Addicts are notorious for saying, “I’m bad.” It’s what keeps the addict in the darkness. It also isn’t as easy as saying, “I want to be a better person and get myself together. The demons will and do make the journey to and in recovery a hard battle to win. It takes courage, hard work, and tons of patience. Addicts call this hell sometimes because facing life without the only thing that ever made the pain go away, keeps telling them they are needed forever. April stood tall and fought. If she fell I always knew she would get up and try again. I remember Aprils journey well. She was and will always be an inspiration to me. I love you April! I will miss you! |
| Remember this entry? Some of you weren't around then. Last Modified: 07-30-2006 @ 6:43pm ------------------------------------------------------ What’s on my mind? The dream was the same last night as it had been every night for years. Minutes after Deb drifted off to sleep the feelings of euphoria went through her body. She only felt this in her dreams but it was not something she had ever experienced in the real world. Who was this man and why couldn’t he be real or was he? I guess you want to hear about the dream. (looks up at rating and realizes it’s not rated high enough) Sorry I can’t at this time! As a writer I can do anything and be anybody I want to be. I can go from poor to rich in a chapter. I can change the world in 1000 or more words; succeed at what ever I try, live out fantasies, etc. In other words I can have it all. Why can’t I take this approach in real life? Am I afraid of failing or not living up to what I believe the ending should be? My laptop holds my life in its files; everything I’ve done, but also what I want to do and try that I haven’t had the courage to attempt in my daily life. Fear sucks! My dreams tell me a lot about myself. It’s what some of my writings are based on. The time will come when I will begin allowing my dreams to be my guide in the real world too. Well here it is 2009 and have things ever changed. I don't seem to let fear stop me like it used to. I tend to see the fear for what it is... A pain in the ass. |
| I can't believe it's July already. Time is precious these days and impossible to slow down. My dad is through will all treatment efforts and is in the pain management stage. I'm going home this week to help my mom get caught up on some things. Since my brother left and my sister got a job, things have gone straight to hell in a handbasket. My mom is understandably not dealing. It concerns me that she is going down with my dad. They have been together since high school and had probably one of the most bizarre relationships I have ever seen. It was that love/hate thing. They became a habit I guess. Anyway I wanted to say a few words and let ya know how things are going. I miss ya!  |
| Sat and talked to my dad tonight. He doesn't want to fight anymore. He is zapped. He is grayish. I couldn't tell him it's okay to stop fighting. I couldn't do it. Guess that's considered selfish on my part. It's hitting me hard now. |
| Me again. It was a long weekend. Father’s Day was great. All four of his kids were there for the first time in I don’t know how long. I won’t lie and say I was a trooper through the day. There were times I had to go outside and let the tears come down. I hate that you know. It was always a sign of weakness I was told. Well if that’s true then I am the weakest person I know.:) Monday morning I took my brother to his court hearing in Shreveport. Watching him say goodbye to dad broke my heart. It’s hard to imagine having to walk away knowing you will never see that person again in this lifetime. What I do know is that this lifetime is very short compared to eternity. If only there was a way to touch the person we lose in life. We can keep them in our hearts but the ache is almost unbearable. They say time helps with this and I would love to believe that. I don’t. Love shows no mercy. Love can and does hurt. If it’s supposed to be all that wonderful of a thing then why should it hurt? Maybe someone can answer this and then I’ll not have to ask again.  cause you know I will.Anyway the court postponed the hearing until the next day so I drove him back home. It was just as hard the next morning watching him say goodbye to my dad all over again. The hearing was at 9:00 and we were told to come back at 1:00. Here we are in Shreveport having to find something to do for 4 hours. I drove us to a place I used to go to often. It’s a pond full of ducks. We parked and watched the ducks do nothing. I remember it being much more interesting when we would all sit there shooting crown. We talked for awhile and then drove to another hangout. It’s a place where people play Frisbee golf. Nothing had changed there at all. What I remember about the place is getting drunk in the parking lot and hanging out with friends. The cops would come and we would leave and go to another place. I was flipping radio stations and “Oh Mandy” came on. I said, “And we thought the day could get no worse.” Finally at 3:00 his case came before the judge. Earlier his attorney told us they were offering him 2 years if he pled guilty now. The attorney told him if they had the trial then he could get 5 to life because of his previous possession charges. Me? I would have rolled the dice. I saw the report and they didn’t have the evidence to back up their allegations. My brother? He took the deal. We hugged before they handcuffed him. I told him to be strong and I would be there to see him next week. Oh and the judge asked him if he had a drug problem. He said, “no your honor.” I said way too loud, “OBJECTION.” He turned and looked at me and then told the judge that yes he does. The judge ordered him into a mandated drug program. I left the courthouse and the tears were of sadness and of hope. This may be what saves his life. So you see this is the miracle this situation needed. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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