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 |  My life in a nutshell. |
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In here you will find many things that may shock and amaze you. There are other things you may find that will knock your socks off. All in all I am sure you will get something out of this. Damiana |
| Hi! ..... Yes, I know it has been a long time since I have been here and I am still kicking my ass for that. I have allowed too many things to keep me away from here for far too long. I miss my friends and I miss writing even more. There is much for me to do to get back into the swing of things but renewing for another year is the first step! I'm so happy to be home!  D |
| There have been so many nights lately where I can't fall asleep. That little hamster on that blasted wheel inside my head won't stop. Tonight isn't any different except for the fact that I had to get up and let some of this stuff out before I lose my mind. Living a lie isn't an easy thing to do and I am suffering the effects of it day after day and night after night. I am such a coward when it comes to speaking my mind and telling others how I truly feel. I have done it but the guilt I feel afterwards eats away at me until I convince myself that I did something wrong and I shouldn't have opened my mouth in the first place. It is one of my character traits that I hate. My situation with Corey didn't change and that's why I am miserable and ready to fall off the deep end. I am a manipulative bitch and I do whatever it takes to get what's needed, or in other words to get what I want to make me happy; even when I know it's the wrong choice. It's part of why I am living in a house with him and my mother. I saw a house that I wanted but couldn't afford on my own soooo.... I am sure you can fill in the blanks. The house is awesome but it isn't worth the the daily struggle I have just to get through. I knew living with my mother would be a challenge but her age and health made me want to keep her close but God help me all she does is yell and curse. It's driving me to distraction. Everything about her is so negative. I love her to death and she does so much for all of us but the bitching and negative additude is wearing me down. Corey isn't any better. I hate the smoking, drinking, the rotten language and his inability to foster a proper relationship with his kids. He can't talk to them without yelling. He refuses to help them with anything; especially when cleaning is involved. Some days I would like to fucking smash him for the way he talks to them. If he would just say, "Come on guys lets get this done," and work with them, things wouldn't be so damn hard. The kids don't see him as a parent because other than yell, there is no relationship. Since my surgery he has done fuck all for me and will not help unpack or tidy the house at all. I still have 3 weeks before I can safely do any major housework, let alone move boxes and unpack. If it wasn't for mom this place would go to hell in a handbasket. I knew making this move would be a mistake but my selfishness took over. I'm not happy and doubt I will be for a long time. I know that as long as he is in the picture I'll be miserable. He is a good man but not the one I want. I don't love him and haven't for a very long time and pretending to is making me ill. I need to get this through his head but everytime I try he gets angry, resentful and makes me feel like a cad even when all I am doing is expressing my feelings. Everyone has that one person in their life that they feel they can't live without. That's what I am for him but for me that person is Ruthann. My relationship with her was perfect; for us. We had mutual trust and respect, we talked about our feelings and the issues we faced, we didn't yell or argue, we enjoyed each others company even if we both were doing different things in the same room. We supported each other in everything we did. She encouraged me to get more involved with the church even though that wasn't her thing, she respected the fact that it meant a lot to me and did anything she could to help me move forward with my new found faith. The most important aspect of our relationship was her acceptance of me despite my mental illness. At my worst, she never faltered. She held me while I cried for no apparent reason and often times cried with me. She talked me through the panic attacks, cleaned the blood from my arms when I cut without judement and she took the time to listen when I needed to release the pain from within. She loved me unconditionally and because of my own selfishness I lost her. I allowed Corey to stay in my home for a year knowing full well what it could do to my relationship with her all because I didn't want to do without. I liked the money too much...look where it got me. I'm living a lie. All of what I had with her is gone. My rock solid support system has crumbled leaving me to suffer the consequences. I am alone with my issues, I don't have anyone to talk to or confide in, no one to give me the reassurance I need telling me that I will be okay and no one to hold me when my demons come callin. I cry alone now and I can only blame myself. I am losing myself again. I can see the darkness closing in on me. I have fallen off the path and my faith is being tested. I know deep down my pastors didn't approve of my being with Ruthann because of biblical beliefs but they would never say anything. There were hidden suggestions from many in the church that Corey and I should be together and I felt the push to make that choice because in the eyes of God it's what's right. But what's right isn't always what should be; especially in my case. Ruthann is and always will be a part of me. I pray each and everyday that we will be together again. I can't let go of what we had because I love her more than I ever thought possible. If I lost hope I'm afraid I would die. If there were a "perfect" person that God chose just for me to love, it would not be possible because I gave my heart to Ruthann a long time ago. It doesn't belong to me anymore.....♥ |
| Since the other night when I left my last blog entry, I have spent most of my time at the church cleaning and stocking shelves in the food bank to keep myself busy. I am tired out but it's a good tired. I still miss Ruthann like crazy and wish I could talk to her. Nights for me are really difficult because we used to spend so much time on the phone. Weekends are the worst of all though. I spent all of them with her over the past year. Being at home feels so weird. The main reason for my visit here tonight was to update all of you on what's went on since my last entry. I had a long talk with Corey and told him exactly how I felt. I asked him if he thought I would come running back into his arms when Ruthann and I split and he said "No." I told him that was good because we were well past that stage. I simply told him that what we had many years ago would never be again. We never got along as a couple because I wasn't able to have male friends. I can't change my personality or who I am to please someone else nor should I have to. He did get defensive a few times but I reminded him about what I had done for him the past year by allowing him to stay here; even knowing how Ruthann felt about the situation. There wasn't much he could say after that considering what happened between her and I. Corey can be a good friend, even though we still have our differences from time to time. We both agreed that we need to move forward with our own lives. He promised that the kids wouldn't suffer and that he would still make his maintenance payments on time. He wouldn't tell me why he had been so pissy with me all week but I knew anyway; I just wanted him to say it. I expect him to be moved out sometime this week. That will leave just me and my monsters once again. I know it will take them time to adjust to him being gone but it' a step in the right direction for both of us. |
| It's been ten days since the split and I am not feeling any better about it; I don't think I ever will. I don't feel complete now that she isn't in my life. I have been fighting an overwhelming urge to cut. The only thing stopping me is the work I do at my church. So many things have changed in my life and I don't like it. I wasn't prepared to go through the rest of my life on my own. I know relationships fall apart every day but I never thought mine would. I suppose I can only blame myself for being selfish. I say this because in the process of helping out my ex by letting him stay as long as I did; I pushed the only woman I will ever love away. I allowed him to stay so long because of the kids and the money he gives me. Yes, he is supposed to pay child support anyway but when he isn't around I have to fight for it and going through the court system is a pain in the ass. I realize now that it WAS/IS the wrong choice and I could kick myself in the ass a thousand times for doing it. I would rather live in a cardboard box and eat nothing but canned beans than to continue to let him stay here. I think in his mind he thought that when Ruthann and I split that I would go running back to him like I had done so many times in the past. BOY WAS HE WRONG!!!!! I have no intentions of EVER being in a relationship with him again. I am way past that now. He is the father of my kids, nothing more and it is time for him to move on. His actions lately only prove to me that I'm right. I have been talking to Cheryl, a woman that volunteers with me, and a few other friends every night on Facebook. He is pissy and cranky at me all the time now because some of my friends are men. Like, get the fuck over it!!! I don't have time for his petty bullshit. I am the only one I have to answer to and I'll be damned if he is going to try and control me in my own fucking house! I have always had a problem speaking my mind and standing up for myself where he is concerned. Partly because I didn't want the kids to suffer when he is pissed at me and partly because I felt I owed him something. Well it has taken me a long time to come to the realization that I do not owe this man ANYTHING!!!!! Ruthann did her best to try and convince me of this but I was blind to it. I wanted him to put his kids first and I thought that by having him closer to them it would change. Unfortunately it didn't and never will. Corey is not capable of being the father he needs to be without me in the picture. And much to his dismay that isn't going to happen. The sooner he know this the better. I am just so sorry that I waited until now to tell him. I owed it to Ruthann to sever this tie with him long ago. Please forgive me babe...... I hate the thoughts of having to live the rest of my life without Ruthann. Some of my friends have told me not to mourn what I lost but to celebrate what we had. How can I do that when I will never have anything like that again? She is the other half of my soul. I ache for her....For my own sanity, I plan on immersing myself into everything possible at my volunteer job. I am going to take one day at a time and see what happens. What other choice do I have??? Lisa |
| I have spent the last week going through the motions of life while feeling so lost without Ruthann. I can't believe this happened. I was on Facebook and noticed she removed all of our pictures and changed her relationship status. I felt my blood run cold through my veins and my anxiety spiked. I want to throw up I miss her so much. I am having a hard time with the fact that she isn't willing to make this work. I am facing major surgery in the next few months and now I have to go through it alone. She promised we would be together forever... in our 80's she would still be chasing me around the bed....I AM NOT 80 YET!!! I AM NOT READY FOR THIS TO BE OVER!!!! IT CAN'T BE!!!! My heart is broken and I will never get over her. I have never loved like I did with her. She is a part of me that I can't let go....OH DEAR GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??? |
| "IT" has returned. For those of you who don't know me well and have never read any of my work, "IT" is my anxiety. Over the past few months its been creeping up slowly, usually in the middle of the night freakin the shit right out of me. Even though I know what's happening; I am still shaken when it's all over. I'm hoping by writing about some of the stressors I have been facing, it will clear my head and relieve some of this dreaded anxiety. Something has to work because I don't want to have to go on more meds. The first thing that has been causing me some stress is my daughter and her boyfriend. He is an ass most of the time and is too lazy to work. They have been staying with my mother and living of of her until they can get welfare. Mom and my kids have been telling me about how he talks to and treats Alicia and I am pissed. He is rude, disrespectful, ignorant and lazy. He yells and swears at my mother too. I am about ready to knock his fucking head off. Right now he is treating Alicia the same way Joey (the one who sexualy assaulted Alicia) treated me and I will NOT allow it to continue. They are expecting a child and need to smarten the hell up. Alicia's pregnancy has also been somewhat of an issue for me. I wanted so much more for her considering what she has been through. She 'settled' with Justin after the married man she was running around with went back to his wife. She had no where else to go, so she moved in with him and his parents. Neither action on her part made me very happy. What bothers me the most about all of this is that I did all of this nasty stuff when I was younger. I tried so hard to help her make better choices for herself and to set certain standards but she just wouldn't listen. It breaks my heart to see her in the predicament she is in now. The baby is due any day and they still don't have a place to live. What is a mother to do? My life at home isn't perfect either. The kids haven't been all that bad but they have developed some bad habits over the summer that I can forsee causing some issues when they go back to school. Staying up half the night then sleeping all day is one of them. Eric is the worst for this. XBOX has become his best friend. He has also been neglecting to take his meds regularly which makes him a bit knarly. Shania has been unusally wicked lately. Not a day goes by that I don't hear that she doesn't love me and never has. That she would rather die than live with me or that she wants to live in a foster home. I am at a loss as to what to do with her. I had been tracking her mood swings to see how often they peaked and if it was at a specific time each month. Low and behold it was and about 2 weeks ago she started her period for the very first time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the monster inside her will be more manageable now because I'm not sure how much more verbal abuse I can handle. That may sound a bit juvenile coming from an adult but when the person throwing such hurtful words at you is your child; it tends to wear you down. My mental illness and lack of self esteem doesn't help matters any even if I have been doing much better than I ever have. The second part of my home life that is bothering me is the fact that Ruthann and I are still living apart. It has been 2 years since the 'incident' and our relationship is going strong. Our 5th anniversary of being together is on September 4th and I would love nothing more than to be able to come home but unfortunately that can't happen right now. I try not to think about this too much because it really makes me anxious. It's hard not being able to be with the one you love everyday especially at this point in our lives. We spend weekends together but it just isn't the same as waking up together everyday. Parts of our relationship is strained due to the fact that Ruthann's daughter still hasn't, and most likely never will, forgive me for what happened 2 yrs ago. She is living with Ruthann along with her fiancee. We don't interact at all and I find it very stressful. Her fiancee talks to me every once in a while but Meaghan never does. Even though Ruthann says I am to think of her house as my own home, it's hard to be completely at ease when you know someone doesn't like you. I even wrote Meaghan a letter explaining my actions and the reason behind them but I never got a response. I don't know what else I can do. Honestly, neither of us can make Meaghan change her mind we can only pray she will. I sometimes wonder if RA and I will be able to keep our love strong with this barrier between us. Now onto my own issue making this a much bigger problem. My ex, Corey, asked me almost a year ago if he could stay with us for a month or so because he had no where else to go. Me being the person I am said yes without even taking RA's views on the situation into consideration. Corey and I have a history, not to mention 2 kids, and I have always felt bad for treating him the way I did when we were together, so that's why I agreed to let him stay. I felt I owed him. By doing this, I made it impossible for RA to spend time at my house with me and the kids. Not most my intelligent choice. He came to stay with us the same time Meaghan moved back in with her mom. He is still there and RA doesn't visit. This has put a HUGE strain on her relationship with my kids; something we needed desperately to work on. Financially, it's a help having him there, most of the time, but morally I know it's wrong. I'm not being fair to her by keeping him there but the selfish part of me thinks she isn't being fair to me by keeping Meaghan there and not telling her that we had planned for me to come back home last March! Now that I think about it, today was the day we had planned on getting married....holy shit....now that's depressing. I'm not sure where any of this is going to lead us but I do know that something has to change or I may relapse. Geez I am long winded today....The last issue I am facing is the discovery of a dermoid cyst on my right ovary. It's as big as a baseball and has to be removed. I have been having problems with my periods getting much worse to the point that I bled for over 2 months. I ended up in the emergeny dept one day with pains as close to labour as you can get. That's how they found the cyst. My options right now are: 1. remove the cyst and the ovary (this has to be done regardless) 2. burn the lining of my uterus to minimize the bleeding 3. try and IUD 4. have a complete hysterectomy My dilema is the surgery. I am afraid to be put under. I know I have to have the surgery and if that's the case why would I try any of the options only for them to fail? Right now my choice would be to go for the full hysterectomy. I'm 42, I won't be having any more kids so why not, right? Well, I have heard stories that having this done takes away your desire to have sex! Hell NO! If this is true I'd rather suffer. Being intimate and making love is a big part of my lifestyle and I am not prepared to give that up. On the other hand having the surgery means no more periods...*claps* Arrrrghhh! What should I do? I think that's about it or now. I have spent most of my day venting and I am feeling a bit numb. During all of this I have still kept up with my volunteer work and going to church. Those for me have been a godsend. As each day passes it's one more day that I have stood up to my anxiety and whooped it's ass. It might mess with me bit I won't let it win. I would love to get some feedback from anyone who has dealt with smilar issues. Love always, Lisa |
| I am so happy to tell everyone that my daughter Alicia will be having a GIRL any day now!!!! Little Maddie Lynne! |
| I didn't think I could do it but I did. I now have my own website for my graphic designs. In the process of making the book design for stacylynn71 I had the notion in the back of my head that I wanted to give this a try. I have worked on it since last May and with the crash of my external drive I didn't think I could get it finished. I stall have some "tweaking" to do but you can view it here: http://www.damiana-designs.com I woul love to hear what you think. Lisa |
| I know I am late in saying this but "Happy New Year!" After an exhausting month of December with all of the volunteer work I did, I am ready to get back to basics. Whenever I spend an extended period of time away from WDC I get this empty feeling inside. I miss all of my wonderful friends so much. Not to mention the guilt I feel for allowing myself to get behind with my reviews, contest obligations, graphics etc. I could apologize to all of you until I am blue in the face but it never makes me feel any better. I feel like I have let all of you down in one way or another. I will get caught up eventually. I always do. Another thing that I haven't done in a while is write. I joined this site for that very reason so why am I not doing it? My thought on this subject is poor time management. I get so caught up doing a ton of things at once that I lose sight of what's important. My writing. I have dozens of ideas floating around in my head for things I plan to write; I just need to get them on paper. I found a title for my autobiography; "Behind the Mask." With the mental health issues I've faced during my long 41 years on earth, it fits. I once told my doctor that when I am all "dolled" up with my hair done and make-up on, no one can see the inner turmoil I face each day. The hair and make-up were my "mask" for the outside world. She thought that was very insightful and quite typical for a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. Go figure...  Aside from getting back to basics here, I am also in the process of building a website for my graphics work. I purchased it last May but got frustrated when I couldn't figure out how it all came together. Now that I have had a chance to look around it a bit more and have a better understanding of it's design, I can honestly say that it is coming together quite well. In order for me to make it a success I need your help. Those of you who read my blog know that I lost everything when my external hard drive crashed. All of the graphics I made for members of WDC was lost. I would like to use some of those projects on my site to highlight the work I have done. If any of you are willing to help me I would greatly appreciate it. If you reeeeeaaallly want to help me out you could also write a short testimonial about the quality and integrity of work you received. I am available through email and IM. Thanks a bunch. Lisa |
| Well, after quite a bit of thinking and the prospect of having to pay a mint for data recovery, I replaced my hard drive with a brand new one. This is one is bigger than the last one too. It's a terabyte. I am still sick with the thought of everything I lost but at least I can start over and make a back-up plan. It is going to take me a while to gather all of the graphics, tubes and brushes I lost; so if I owe you something please bear with me while I try and get things back to normal. I have had the flu for the past 2 weeks but I am feeling better now. I am going to be working online to get all of my obligations here caught up as well as my art work. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me. Lisa |
I have never felt more ill that I did today. Let me give you the short version as to why I felt this way. The other day my daughter Shania knocked over my 750gb external hard drive. It started making funny clicking noises so I took t to see what was wrong. The tech listened to the noise and determined that I will most likely lose EVERYTHING, I repeat EVERYTHING I had stored on it. That equates to 500gigs of all of my art work, graphics, music, family pics, all of the images I made for WDC. All gone...unless, he said, I can find someone who that specializes in data recovery. He also mentioned this could cost me an arm and a leg. I nearly fainted. I did purchase a 3yr extended warranty that will let me get a brand new one but I want my stuff back.... My dilema...do I look for someone who can try and recover the data and that will only charge me if the data is recovered and hope that the casing doesn't get damaged and void the warranty, or do I get a new one and start from scratch? Opinions greatly appreciated. To all of you I owe graphics to...I am going to have to start over. I am so so sorry. I will get to it asap. Lisa |
| PITA....short for Pain in The Ass. Not the greatest way to describe my 12 year old daughter but it fits. I don't know what is making her so miserable these past few months but I can tell you I have had enough. She is saucy, and loud, and rude and thinks that she rules the roost. If things don't go the way she wants, the rest of us are in for a real treat. I am fed up with her hystrionics and at the end of my rope. She has been grounded, spanked, had privileges removed, her bedroom door taken off and a whole list of other shit, and yet she acts like a spoiled rotten 2yr old. I honestly don't know what to do with her anymore. She is making things very hard for everyone else in the house and Ruthann as well, and she doesn't live here. Ruthann and I have come a long way since last July and want to be able to but our lives and our homes back together by March '09. Shania adamantly refuses to come with me. I am seriously thinking of letting her go with her father. I am 41 yrs old and I don't want to be living apart from my fiance until my kids are grown. It's not fair to Ruthann or me.You might call me selfish for feeling this way but I am not going to allow her to call the shots where my happiness is concerned. I have bent over backwards for my children and will continue to do so but I refuse to sit here and watch my life go by. There is more to this picture than meets the eye. We have only been here in this flat since March 1st. We had to leave the last place because she used to scream and yell, and stomp when she couldn't get her own way. The same is happening again and the property manager has alreadly told me that if the noise doesn't stop he will have no choice but to ask us to leave. He even told this to her face and she sat there smugly shrugging her shoulders, in an I don't care gesture. I pay $950 a month for a 3 bedroom flat. I get $1165 a month on disability, I can't afford to move again because she wants to be a brat!!! This may sound cruel and harsh but I told her if that happens, I am not moving, she will be the one leaving. For now I have to look at the big picture and take things one day at a time. If you have any suggestions, please feel free to send me an email. Toodles, Lisa |
| It seems like forever since I last updated my blog. I pop online for a few minutes here and there but I don't stay long enough to really do anything. I have been extremely busy with the foodbank and I am trying to enjoy my summer with the kids. We spent most of last week at the beach and I am getting an awesome tan. The bad part of not being here much of the time is that I have gotten behind again with my contests. I am working on it though. My family life is improving and we are making progress. Hopefully we will all be living back with Ruthann early next year. She and I are getting along wonderfully. We make sure we take the time for ourselves when we need it. I am also spending more one on one time with the kids. They are enjoying that more than anything. My son hasn't been to the beach with us but he keeps himself busy with his friends. All in all things are pretty good. Some days I am afraid to say that too loud for fear of jinxing myself....  I am going to take advantage of some down time now and get some work done. Toodles... Lisa |
| You always hear people say that everything happens for a reason or GOD doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Well I would like to know what lesson I have to learn today. Despite all of the good that has gone on around me over the past few months, my black cloud is back and is gloomier than ever. My phone got disconnected today despite my efforts to make sure all my payments were up to date. But when you have a 20 year old daughter traipsing around all over the country and making long distance calls...the end result is inevitable. The second wonderful thing that happened to me today was that I lost my furniture that I had on a pay to own program. My living room is practically bare. All I want to do is cry. If any of you can tell me what lesson I am going to learn from this please enlighten me. Deeply Depressed |
| I am sitting here shaking my head wondering where I went so wrong. It is 8:35 am and I am still fighting with my children to get ready for school. They simply refuse to listen. I have taken away their mp3's, computer privilegs, play station etc and cracked down hard on the miserable behavior and they still give me a hard time. It is extremely frustrating to say the least. I don't know what to do next. There have been a few occasions where I have even reddened their arse. That gets their attention for a few minutes as long as the "burn" is there. I think what bothers me the most about what they are doing is the fact that I am giving them all of the attention I wasn't able to before and I am treated like shit. Shania is the biggest offender right now. She is saucy, rude and disrespectful. I really don't like her right now. She is making things very difficult for the whole family and most of all my relationship with Ruthann. We are working toward a goal of getting all of us back together in the same house and because Shania is acting out so badly, things have come to a halt. Ruthann is not prepared to live with her until she stops abusing me physically and verbally. The other kids do the same thing and some days I would like to run away. I have a family skills worker that comes into the home to try and assist me with dealing with these behaviors. She tells me that you can't change the childs behavior; we need to find new ways to deal with what they are doing. I think that's a crock of shit!!! The work she is doing should be with them not me. I am doing everything she has suggested. I am consistent, I take away privleges, I don't give in no matter how much they whine, I offer incentives for good behavior and so on and so forth, and still n-o-t-h-i-n-g. I have a meeting this morning to discuss our progress and I am going to make sure my concerns are heard and that something is done about this nonsense. I am not prepared to put up with this shit much longer. If any of you have any suggestions please let me know. TTFN, Lisa |
| Surprise..it's me!!! I suppose a lot of you have been wondering where I have been lately. I assure you I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I have been spending most of my time at the Salvation Army Church food bank. I am loving it! I got involved with them during Christmas when I helped out with the kettle campaign. I have been going to church there too. I found another place where I fit in. I have decided that I am going to become a member of the church and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my savior. A big change considering a year ago I wanted to be a witch!!! LOL My life has had so many ups and downs over the past few years, I really feel that this is where I need to be right now. Now, on to more important things like my obligations here. I know I have said things before that I haven't carried through on and if you want to stone me feel free. I screwed up BIG TIME! I need to find a way to better manage my time and if any of you have suggestions, PLEASE email me. As most of you know, I am living on my own with my kids, not something I am used to, and dealing with many behavioral challenges. Although things have gotten much better, most of my free time is taken up by them when they can't find anything to do. Like that's hard in this day and age...  Once things have calmed down to the point that we can all find something to occupy ourselves with, I will be back online more often. I promise to try and get here as much as possible to start working on my contests, forums etc. I may need some help with reviewing, so if you are interested let me know. I am willing to pay gift points for any help you can offer. Hugs, Lisa |
| I have spent quite a bit of time recently thinking about how I can get myself back on track here on WDC. There are so many people I feel I have let down by leaving things hanging as I did. I hope all of you know that was never my intention. My health and family were suffering greatly and I needed to take some time to try and repair the damage I had done. Even though things aren't perfect, they are well on their way to becoming "normal" once again. It may take me some time to get things here caught up but I promise all of you it will be taken care of. All of the contests you may have entered will still be judged as originally posted and the prizes awarded accordingly. The reviewing is what is going to take me the longest to complete so I ask you once again to please be patient. For those of you who I owe prizes for auction donations, I will do my best to get them out asap. Granted I can find where I had them listed. Feel free to email me if you know what they were. I hope to be online everyday even if it is only for a short time. If you see me and need something please IM me or send me and email. |
| I mentioned in my last blog entry that I have been having trouble with my daughter Shania and her love for screaming. What I didn't mention was that the neighbors have been calling the police and reporting it. This has happened on two occasions now. They come in and talk to her because they think she is the one in trouble. In actual fact, I have been the one getting beat on by her when she can't have her own way. It has gotten way out of hand and I am the first to admit it. I am doing everything I possibly can within the confines of the law to discipline her. I have had conversations with my landlord and the neighbors and they are all aware of the issues my kids are dealing with, yet they still call the police thinking that will help. As long as my kids know that screaming will bring attention on by anyone, they are going to continue to do it. And by discipling them with grounding or removing their priviledges, what else do they have to lose? NOTHING!!! So they scream even more waiting for me to give in. The only problem with that is, is that I am not giving in yet they continue to act like spoiled brats!!! The title of this entry is named Dark clouds above me. I chose this name because it doesn't seem to matter how well things are going there is alway something that kicks me in the ass. I got a HUGE boot today. The "new" superintendent delivered a 15 day notice to quit citing that it was due to my owing a portion of last month's rent. I know this was just an excuse to get me out because of the shit with the kids. I called the tenancy office just to make sure my suspicion was correct and it was. The owner of the building had dated the letter January 1st but the superintendent didn't deliver it until today. With a 15 day notice to quit the letter needs to be dated for the same day it was delivered and because the owner didn't come by and pick up his rent check on the 1st, I do not have to leave because the letter isn't valid and I am technically paid in full. I really don't think this is the end of their attemtps to get me evicted. It's funny too because despite the issues with my kids, I am the ONLY one in the building who isn't constantly riding is ass complaining about things. I keep to myself and I try not and listen to any of the gossip. I just need to find a way to make my kids listen to me and stop behaving like baboons. If any of you have any advice please leave me a message. Lisa |
| The end of 2007. Where did the year go? Considering all of the ups and downs I have been through in 2007, I have to say it has been an eventful and somewhat memorable year. Not all the memories are good. Most of 2007 for me was spent dealing with my mental illness. I had some good days but for the most part things were quite bad. I had lost myself completely. I didn't realize how soul destrying living in the basement could be. I was spending all of my time there. My kids rarely saw me and when they did I would get pissed off at them because I couldn't deal with their demands. That's what I called them back then..demands, when actually they were simple requests for meals, clean clothes, help with homework. I was so wrapped up in what I thought was important; being online and sleeping. My kids weren't the only ones suffering. My dear sweet Ruthann was wearing the brunt of all of my "shit". She supported me and helped me through the really bad spells. I could always count on her but I was the one who was tearing us apart. The straw that broke the camels back was when the kids dad, who had been living with us, shattered his kneecap. I did everything I could for him because of the deep seeded guilt I felt for hurting him. This was the worst thing I ever could have done. Ruthann and I drifted father apart. I wasn't even sleeping in our bed. Things from that point went from bad to worse. Ruthann moved in with her daughter. Corey, the kids dad, turned on me when he finally realized I didn't want him and loved Ruthann more than anyone before. The kids got so out of hand, Eric and Shania went to live with Corey at his parents place and Alicia my oldest went to Alberta. I was at rock bottom and that's when I turned on the woman I love and got my ass arrested. Most of what you just read you may have seen before. What you might not know because I haven't been around much; is that things are SO much better now. Getting arrested snapped the elastic on my undies and made me smarten up awfully fast. The kids and I are living on our own. We are still working on the behavioral stuff but they realize now that I am here for them no mater what. They also have discovered that no mater what, Ruthann and I are together, forever! My mental health has improved 100%. I am no longer sleeping all day. I take the time I need for myself and Ruthann and I have our alone time too. I am in a psychotherapy group and its very helpful. My diabetes is still behaving badly..lol, however I am getting it looked into. My family is involved with Child Protection which in most cases isn't a good thing. However, in our case it's exactly what we need. We have been assigned a Family Skills worker. She comes into the home and talks to the kids about things that may be bothering them and how we can all work together to make it better for everyone. She also helps me find new ways to get them to listen. It can be very frustrating at times because my kids are all old enough to know better, they choose to act badly. This past year has opened my eyes to many things. I have made mistakes and learned from them. I have conquered most of my fears and live each day now to the fullest. I know I still have alot to learn and I intend on keeping my eyes and ears wide open. I am no longer just exisiting. I allow myself to feel and enjoy the wonderful gifts God have provided me with. I have missed all of my friend here at WDC and I feel terrible for leaving things so abruptly as I did. I am commited to my endeavors and although it will take me a while to get caught up I will. Please be patient and accept my apologies. I look forward to 2008 and getting back to the place where "I found my voice." Love always, Lisa |
| Over the past month I have learned some very valuable lessons. Most of them were hard to face but they brought me out of a dark place that I hadn't even realized I fell into. I wasn't living back then; I was only existing. I spent my days sleeping or in front of the computer. I had disconnected myself from those closest to me. The incident with Ruthann was my breaking point. I, at that point, had lost everything that was important to me. Eric and Shania were with their dad and Alicia had moved away. Yes, I still had Rebecca but I was so messed up I didn't know where I would end up. Since then I have moved into another house with all of my kids. Corey is here but we are living independantly much to his dismay. Oh well....lol Ruthann and I have reunited and are taking our time getting re-aquainted. She took the first step by contacting a friend to ask if I would go over to talk. I am elated beyond words. We spent the day intimately exploring each other and I have to tell you it was the most moving experience I have ever had. I am more in love than I ever thought possible. It is a magnificent feeling. Even though we aren't living together, we are commited to each other and plan on making things work. I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that as long as Ruthann is by my side I can handle anything.  I found this tonight and I expresses exactly what I am feeling. You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Dr.Suess |
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