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 |  Being a stay at home mom is never as cut and dry as you think it is. |
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Originally my pregnancy blog, now continuing on as the life of a mom and her two wacky kiddos thing till I don't want to write in it anymore  . So come on in and see what's going on in my world for a bit if you like...Be careful where you step, as the kids have all their Pokemon cards out! Feel free to hug a Hello Kitty plush! Come join in the fun, Super Mario Bros. and Hello Kitty style!![Merit Badge in Parenting
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Congratulations on your pregnancy*^*Smile*^*. You already are a wonderful mom to your son and I know this baby will be very blessed also
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In the midst of how you are feeling right now, know that it can be fixed & I'm proud of you for writing the poem that reflects how you feel. The love of your children clearly shines through. *^*Heart*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/genre-Family-584.gif) ![Merit Badge in Journaling
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I'm so glad to be back blogging and reading yours. The kids have grown so much! I'm so glad that you, myself and T are still here journaling together!](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Journaling-2180.gif) the wonderful badges my "Sister", silversara, graced me with. Thanks Sis, I  you! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Thanks to all of you for your support, your comments, your love, your generosity and your time! Never met a greater bunch of people then on here! Besides, who else would want to listen to a rambling crazy mom, both during and especially after pregnancy?
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| I had a nice big entry planned and I was writing it out, but apparently it's too big for this blog. So I had to erase it, and write this one instead. This is the end of my blog. Sad really, because I have so much more to go, but there it is. I don't know if my account membership will allow me to make another book or not...I suppose I could try...but this is the end of this blog. It's been an amazing 8 years. I'm glad I got to chronicle it. Thanks for reading. And hopefully, if I can get a new blog, I'll see you there. -Jamie *EDIT* I was able to create a new blog, though it's not listing as a blog, but here is the link to it "Invalid Item"  Hope to see you there! |
| We're in the home stretch now. 17 days left of school...of elementary school for Ryan, of 2nd grade for Journey. Things are going by so quickly now. Journey came home with a note that read there's no longer any homework for the rest of the year, and tonight was Ryan's middle school tour with parents. (He already toured during the day last week on a field trip). These next steps are big, and I'm not sure I'm ready to take them, but I suppose it's all something to keep thinking about during the summer and work myself into it I suppose. So, about Ryan's middle school tour. I wasn't impressed. I mean, it seems simple enough to get to his classes, and they keep them all in the same area, and I think he's going to be able to navigate around there just fine, but...I dunno. I don't know if it's that I'm just not high on this middle school thing to begin with, or if it's because I had a bad experience in middle school and now dread it for my child or what, but I just...didn't feel happy or excited or anything. Ryan's eager about it, and I don't begrudge him that. Pretty much, if he's happy, I'm happy. I just want what's best for him. I'll psych myself up to getting up at 6 am every morning to get him ready to go as the summer progresses. We'll see. I dunno. I'm not too ecstatic. Same for Journey, I just want what's best for her too, so I'm leery of 3rd grade. This is the year that they start doing actual grades, A-F. I'm scared witless for her. She's sad when she gets an "S" or an "NI", just imagine the wreck she'll be if she gets a D or an F. I don't expect all A's from her, but I do want her to do her very best, and know that these grades are important. I want her to know, but I don't want to feel like I'm putting too much pressure on her. Ryan thrives under pressure; Journey does not. I don't know that she's ready for 3rd grade yet. Her teacher says she is...but...I dunno. Maybe I'm just really worried how this grading system goes for her, and how she's going to test at the state testing? It was all so much easier when she was in kindergarten. I wish we could go back to that. Sadly, we can't. Just know that as of next year, I'm going to be very worried for my kids. Went to the marine museum overnight with my Brownies four our cookie money spending. All in all, I think they had a great time. I'm glad to hear it too.There were some hiccups with a few girls, but no one told me till after the fact. I don't know why. I had a moment where I felt kind of left behind, when the moms were all talking to each other, and I was just kinda left there, staring at my hands. I'm extremely socially awkward, so I didn't know how to insert myself into the situation or conversation to not be awkward. This tends to happen to me, so I just kind of politely sit there and stare at my hands until the awkwardness is over. which is usually when the event ends, or when people get up and move. Other than that, not much else going on. We have a final elementary band concert to go to on Wednesday, and then Ryan has a end of year/school field trip before his promotion ceremony. We have three more Girl Scout meetings to go before we wrap up for the year. We've got someone coming in to give us a badge workshop (hopefully I hear from her soon), and then we're having an end of year celebration, both at the meeting and also at the end of the school year at my 2nd adult mom's house with her pool. I don't know how many of the girls are going to show up (I hope quite a few of them do!), but we're going to have a ton of fun!!! Oh yeah! Ryan got to join a quintet to sing part of a song for the kids' 5th grade promotion (which I'm TOTALLY going to cry over, I just know it), and Journey's last day of occupational therapy is the 28th. We will be saying goodbye to Miss Kristen, as she's moving to another state with her family. We'll miss her tremendously. Unfortunately, I can't get her a gift to say thank you before she leaves, but she said she'll do her best to come to Journey's birthday party, so hopefully I'll have something for her by then.I'm going to give her our address so Journey can correspond with her over the summer. I hope that works out well. |
| Time is speeding by at break-neck speeds, and I'm doing my best to hold on. It feels like just yesterday it was January. Suddenly it's the middle of May, and we have merely 6 weeks until Ryan's elementary school career is over. We are all moving into a new chapter with this step. From here on out, Journey will go through school without her brother by her side. It's all on her now. Ryan will no longer be there to say hello, or ride the bus home with her, anything like that. It's time to see what Journey is made of. I hope she's strong enough to do all this without him. I know she's going to miss him terribly. For me, I'm not ready to be a parent of a middle schooler. I've been thrust into the position though, so I must take it as graciously as I can, and be there for Ryan as best I can. No more room mom, no more parent volunteer. All of that is over now. I'm not quite ready to give it up and not be in the classroom anymore, but it is decidedly so, so it's time to close the book on that chapter. Now I'll be dealing with a pubescent boy, growing and changing. He's already given me sneak peeks of his soon to be teenage attitude. I was not amused. But for Ryan, this is just as hard on him as it is on me. Suddenly his body's changing, and school's getting harder. I can't be there for him in the classroom anymore. The most I can do is drop him off every morning at school, and wait for him to come home on the bus every day. The biggest thing I'm worried about is that he won't be open with me anymore. I want to keep the lines of communication open. I don't ever want him to be afraid to come to me. I know teenagers need some privacy, but...I need to know he's okay. I want to work with him and help him get through the hard things. I'm here to support him no matter what. All his life, I've been his biggest fan. It's always been him and me. I mean, it's him and Don too, even moreso now that he's his soccer coach. But Ryan and I are very close. I've always thought the sun shined out of him. I've been amazed and in awe of him since he was born. Not much can change that. He promises me he'll always love me, and I hope he does. I know I'll always love him. I love who he is, and how he is. I'm never short of awe for him. Even though this is going to be an interesting new chapter in life for all of us, I'm thrilled to be going through it with him. I've never dealt with this before, and he's never been in this situation before. It's time for us to both grow and learn. Soon he'll be needing me to assure him it's being done right, instead of teaching him how to do it. He's growing before my very eyes, and all I can do is embrace it. Embrace him, and embrace change. I am not a fan of change, but I know it must be done. Things are changing whether I want them to or not. Time to open the next chapter, in 3...2...1... |
| Life happens when you're busy, don't you know it? So, we went on a field trip to the Smithsonian Natural History Museum with Journey's class. She had a fantastic time. Don's aunt sent her money to use on the field trip, so we bought tickets to see the live butterfly pavilion, and we got some butterfly things at the gift shop, including a prismatic mini butterfly kite that she flew around the picnic area when we went to eat lunch on the field trip. I'm extremely grateful his aunt sent money, because we are seriously strapped. Journey was grateful too. We spent most of our time in the company of Journey's best friend Bradley and his dad as we wandered around the museum. We did the same thing last year at the National Zoo. This time it was easier to do because they're in the same class. We all enjoyed one another's company. Speaking of Journey and Bradley, the kids in their class have been relentless is accusing them of being boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't upset them too much, but it is rather tiresome having to tell their classmates that they're just best friends all the time. However, I can see why the kids would think that-they do everything together, and they're very affectionate towards one another. They always sit together at lunch, and play with one another at recess. Sometimes they hold hands, and on the bus, I spied Bradley letting Journey put her head on his shoulder. They're very sweet friends. I hope it stays this way throughout their elementary school careers. I know Journey would be devastated if she lost Bradley. Ryan's getting ready for his 5th grade promotion. They have a lot of 5th grade events going on. I believe next week is Growing Up Night (that's only to be attended by Ryan and Don), then I think the week after that, we go to visit the middle school as a family at night....sort of an orientation if you will. He gets to go on a pool party at the end of the year, and then is his promotion. He has to dress really nice for it. I'm also dressing up Journey for the occasion, as she'll be an usher at the promotion. I think it's very sweet how younger siblings get to be a part of the ceremony. I know I'm going to try and take pictures, and will probably cry the whole time.\ Tomorrow is Encampment for my Brownies. I had 7 going, but one had to back out. We'll see if all 6 show up. I have a sinking suspicion that one of them will be absent as well. We'll find out tomorrow at 8:30 am I suppose. Journey's very excited for it; she remembers last year, so she's interested to see how this one goes again. The theme is Olympics, so in honor of that we made tiny little gold medal swaps to give the other Girl Scouts. I'm curious to see what else people made for swaps this year! I hope Journey gets a bunch! Don and I are enjoying the NHL playoffs and hockey being on every night. I'm sad that my team lost in the first round, but oh well. I love hockey regardless, so I'll watch as long as it's on. I know it will end next month, and it will be a long 4 month drag while it's in off season. Other than that, not much else going on. Hope everyone is doing well. Been a long time since I've been on here (I believe my blog said 13 days?), so I need to go catch up and see if my other bloggy friends have made entries. |
| Our vacation has come and gone. It was a good time, but definitely Ocean City is not a place where you want to go when you're broke. All we could afford to live off of was microwaveable food, which, though cheaper than going out to dinner every night, is still not that cheap. We came home as broke as we left. I'm just glad that the hotel room, the ice skating and the mini golf was all paid for back in February, so we could at least do fun things like that, as well as the free things like go to the beach and swim in the pool (and boy did we ever take advantage of that pool!), so even though it was a broke vacation, it was a still a nice getaway. It's not nearly as fun as going out to eat every day and doing all kinds of other things like visiting our favorite shops, and buying lots of souvenirs, going to places like the bowling alley and the movie theater at every whim, but still fun nonetheless. Sure beats sitting at home! We came home yesterday, and I got to actually make a meal in my oven, so I felt pretty happy about that. I'm sick of the microwave, I'm sick of cold food, and I'm sick of fast food. Good old home cooking is just what the doctor ordered, so don't be surprised if we don't go out to eat for a long time. I'm very happy to be cooking again. Today was Easter, but as we're not religious (there's a difference between spiritual and religious), we didn't do anything. I got the kids a Webkinz each, but since we couldn't afford anything else, and since we don't make a very big deal out of Easter anyway, we didn't think anything of it. Journey came into our bedroom this morning and promptly announced that the Easter Bunny is not real. Flabbergasted, we asked her how she came to this conclusion. "Ryan told me," she said. So we called Ryan in. "How do you know there's no Easter Bunny?" I asked. He preceded to tell me that he figured it out last year when he was snooping in my drawers by the recliner and found "Paper Mario Sticker Stars" in a Game Stop bag, and then he saw it in his Easter Basket, and he knew. "Why didn't you say anything before?" I asked. "I thought I'd get in trouble," he answered. "You're not in trouble," I said. I then asked him what he thought about Santa, just to see if he was skeptical about the big guy himself. "Of course he's real Mom," Ryan assured me, "Look at what Nolan (his school friend) got on camera, and how do you explain the Wii?" My son is going to have his mind BLOWN when I tell him the story of how we got him the Wii and his 3DS. Layaway folks, layaway. |
| Not counting today, there are 5 more days until we're on our way to Ocean City for vacation. We aren't going as equipped as we usually are, so hopefully everything is okay and we make it alright. We're taking Roz with us this time, which I hope she does okay. This will be the farthest we've taken her...but she made it from Florida to here, so I hope she'll be okay. The kids absolutely cannot wait. We'll be spending a lot of time in the hotel pool though, as we're broke. Good thing I already bought some things, like mini golf passes and ice skating passes. We have to wait to go to the arcade on Friday. That's okay though. We'll make it through the best we can. The weekend after we come back from Ocean City is our 11th wedding anniversary. Hopefully we can get Don's friend here to watch the kids while we go out for the night. We'll see where we go and what we do. Can't believe we've been married 11 years already. Time just ticks away, especially when you have kids; time especially speeds up when you have kids. Everything else seems to be going well so far right now. Hopefully it stays that way. Keep a lookout for the pictures of the trip on facebook! |
| It hasn't been a full week yet, but it's been 5 days. I know I'm not one to jump to conclusions, but this is actually working. I thought it was going to take a few weeks, if not a month before we started seeing improvement, but no, it started the first day. The first day she started taking it, she did a total 180. That's what the email that I posted was all about. She's at a higher level when she's on meds. She's more open, exuberant, vibrant, talkative, questioning, curious, cognizant, just, so much more of everything good about her. She's a flood of information when she's on her meds, she can tell you all kinds of things that happened in her day. She can remember things, she can list things, she tells stories about her day, and what she's done and where she's been and who she played with, what she ate. It's...it's phenomenal. I've never seen her so open and engaged. It's like...her brain was a gear, and there were parts that were off the chain, and parts that spun wrong, and parts that got stuck....and putting her on Concerta, just...it fixed that. It took all the parts that were having trouble working together and put them all together and it's like a fully functional, fully operating gear now. Everything works perfectly. It all clicks into place. Her teacher is extremely pleased with how things are going. Her grades have gone up. She's no longer struggling at group work. She's become much more self sufficient with her starting and finishing work. They gave her this check list to do that has points on it, and if she gets so many points, she gets to do something fun, like color, or go on the computer, or get 5 minutes to read her library book. She looks forward to this check list every day. She gets so excited and very pleased with herself every time she makes the points, and I love seeing her like that. I am seriously grateful to God that we put her on this medicine. I'm ecstatic that it's working. I pray that it continues to work. It's done such wonderful things for her. I...I can't even explain it. I've always wished she could tell us more. I was so happy when they did the daily chart, so I could see what was going on in her world. She's always so closed, so in her shell. Sometimes I even wonder if she's paying attention to things going on around her. I used to fear that if something happened in the school, an intruder or a fire, she wouldn't be able to realize and know or be where she needed to be. I spent nights awake thinking about that, it worried and upset me so much. I remember when she was four...when the autism REALLY showed in her, I was so worried that she wasn't paying attention or learning because she wasn't responding to anything. She would just wander freely, nothing or no one brought her in. The teacher surprised the hell out of me by letting me know that, yes, all the things I had taught her when she was 2 and 3, the numbers, the colors, the alphabet, was actually sticking with her. I was so scared she wasn't observant enough.Everything we've done and taught since then has helped cultivate her, give her that chance to observe, and she gets help from her special ed teachers to help give her that chance to observe. And now that she's on the medicine? She takes it upon herself to observe. It's like, some of the big things that were issues, the medicine has really helped with. She still has a lot of socialization issues, and she still can't tell when someone's being sarcastic, and she still has to have things just so...but it's like, all the closed-ness that she had, all the bottled up observations, all the things that were evading her, she finally has them in her reach now. It's all there for her, to access, to manipulate as she sees fit. It has lifted the fog that she's been in. I get to see a side of my daughter that I've never seen before when she's on her meds. It amazes me. She is magnificent. I mean, I always thought she was, even before meds. Even before everything, but I think so moreso now, especially showing me what she's shown so far. Like I said, they take her to the next level. The help her step up and get her there. It's the boost she needed. We'll see what her next report card looks like. Hopefully there will be no more NI's, and hopefully things will be on track again. I just can't believe that this little pill has worked so many miracles in her already. So amazing what she's been able to accomplish so far! I'm not one to tell ANYONE what they should do for their child. Deciding whether your child should be put on meds for ADHD is a very personal decision. It's not for everyone. Some meds don't work as well as others for some people. Sometimes progress takes awhile to show up. Sometimes the med has bad side effects, and the kids have to be taken off them and tried for something new. We were EXTREMELY LUCKY that after one swallow, that first day, everything worked perfectly. She doesn't seem to have any side effects (her eating and sleep are what they were before she was on meds, so no change there), and it just...it just works. It works like it should. God bless it, it works like it should for her, and she's amazing. Again, I didn't know that it was going to happen this way. We're extremely fortunate that everything turned out as well as it did. I can't begin to say how grateful I am. And again, meds are not for everyone...but this is my testimony. We were on the fence with meds. We were really scared to put her on them. Now, I'm so very glad we did. Again, it may not work for everyone. It's all trial and error. But if your child is like my child.... And you have been through EVERYTHING to help them succeed in school, and NOTHING is working... All I'm saying is, don't count them out. Because it may be horrible....but it may be a Godsend. For us, it was a prayer answered. |
| "Hi Mrs. R, Thanks for the information about Journey. There is a noticeable difference in her behavior today. Journey is much more focused. She is following along with class discussions and raising her hand to tell answers. She is starting and completing work with few or no prompts. And she seems very happy and pleased with herself. I will let you know if I notice any other changes in her behavior. Mrs. B" Also, homework? Not a problem. As well as "Journey, put this away" gets done, first time asking. We'll see what happens when it's time for her to go to sleep, but for today, I consider it a success. Monitoring for the next two weeks to keep sure days like today keep happening....Wish us luck! |
| We got a prescription today. We'll see how it goes. We're going to have her take one tomorrow morning and see how it does for her. As soon as she takes it, I'm writing her teacher to let her know that she's on it, and to report any behavior issues she has to me. I refuse to let my daughter turn into something unlike herself because of some medication. If it doesn't work well for her, we'll just try something else. Trial and error. It's what we had to do when we found out I'm bipolar. I do wish they would give me Adderall back though. That stuff was a godsend. Took my anxiety away, calmed me down. I wouldn't even need my Celexa if I had Adderall. *Sigh*. Anyway, this is about Journey, not about me. They put her on Concerta. When I was put on Concerta, all it did was exacerbate all my ADHD symptoms. Made them worse, made me crazy. That's when the doctor took me off those meds and told me I was bipolar. Just with one try of some stupid med that didn't even work. She's dead wrong. But anyway... I hope the Concerta works for her better than it did for me. I asked if we could put her on a non-stimulant, but he said because she's autistic, it has to be a stimulant. I'm not sure why, but he's a doctor, so he should know. My friend's son, who is also autistic, is on Focalin, which is also a stimulant. I would like to try that for her and see how that helps, but first we have to try the Concerta first and see what that does. I'm not a very big Concerta fan though. I hope it helps her more than it helped me. I told her to let me know if it makes her feel bad in any way. If it makes her heart race and out of breath, if it makes her sleepy, if she gets mad a lot, if it makes her tummy hurt, any of that, to let me know. I will stop the dose immediately and tell her pediatrician. I don't want to put her on something that's going to mess with her, I just want it to work and her be well. We just need her to focus. So, tomorrow we'll start. We'll see what happens. I'll be back tomorrow. Maybe I'll write more in a different entry. This one just takes precedent because of it's implications. |
| ...That is the question. Journey's having serious trouble focusing. She's not paying attention when the teacher is running the lessons on the board, nor is she listening when they work on the answers together. When given her paper to work on, she sits there and waits for someone to ask her why she hasn't started, to then tell them she doesn't know what she needs to do. It's a cycle that keeps happening a little too often for her teacher and special ed teacher's liking. I completely and totally agree with it. We've been trying to give her tools to become independent and work independently so she can get her classwork done, but she's side stepping that by not paying attention, and then letting the teacher know when they come to see why she's not working the reason behind it. It's frustrating, maddening, and upsetting. It's almost as if she's regressing, and we don't know why. Her teacher said it could be because the work is getting harder, and she's having a tougher time with it. She also suggested she could be overwhelmed with the work coming in, and just goes into shut down mode. (Trust me, I've done this. I did it the last time I was in college, which is why I can't go back unless I pay for the classes out of pocket again...and with my history, I don't know that I would be able to keep it together to go back again and get the degree. So I don't bother trying anymore.) I mean, I can understand those two things...but I really don't know how to help her to get her to pay attention. I can keep telling her she needs to pay attention till I'm blue in the face, that's not going to change the fact that she's just not going to do it. I don't know if she's choosing not to (panic mode, shutting down) or if she truly just cannot focus herself right now. So it comes down to two things. Her grades are SERIOUSLY suffering right now. I've given her since November to turn things around, and it's just not happening. She dropped to below grade level on two things on her report card. I don't want her falling behind. Nor do I think it's a good idea that the teacher just pass her ahead if she's not getting it. She really is trying...when she's paying attention. The problem is, SHE'S NOT PAYING ATTENTION. I'm at the end of my rope here. Her teacher and I are trying different things to help her, we're giving her tools to utilize to try and become independent, but it's not working as well as it should. There are only two outcomes I can see at this point. A, I start homeschooling her, so she can focus solely on me and not have any other distractions. B, I put her on a focusing med to help her pay better attention and get her where she needs to be. Believe me, I don't want to do EITHER of these. I really don't. If I take her out of school, she loses the speech program, the special ed help, her socialization, and even then I can't guarantee that she's going to focus with me. But then, the thought of putting her on meds at 7 is just...I'm not sure that I want to do it. But her grades are seriously suffering, and we've been trying all kinds of things to help her get to where she needs to be. There are two sides to this for me. One says "What the hell are you thinking, putting a 7 year old on medication? Isn't she a little young to be popping pills already? And what about the side effects? She barely eats as it is, and now she's not even going to have an appetite because of these stupid meds. Maybe she won't be able to sleep either, and I mean, she hardly sleeps anyway. Why are we so quick to drug her up?" But the other side of me says "We've tried EVERYTHING ELSE already. She's STILL not focusing. She's STILL having trouble. Her grades are SERIOUSLY suffering. She has a chance to fail, all because she's not focusing. It's not because she doesn't know or understand it, it's because she's having trouble focusing. This isn't going to get better by ignoring it, or hoping she grows out of it. She needs help NOW. Give it to her. Help her, don't let her struggle anymore". And then I cry. I don't know what the right answer is. I just want to help her. I just want her to succeed. I don't know what more I can do, other than med her, to help her succeed. I'm trying to get different opinions on what we should do. I have friends that say it was the best thing they ever did for their kids, despite side effects. I have some that say the side effects aren't worth it. I have some that say they absolutely refuse to put their child on meds. Some saw the results quickly, and are glad they did it and never have to look back. Some say it took some re-tooling, and it's all trial and error. I really don't want to have to go through med after med to try and find something that will work for her. I really dread side effects. I don't want them to turn her into a zombie. I don't want her to lose her sparkle. I want her to be the same Journey she is now, just focused. How can I find that? So, I'm making the call to our pediatrician on Monday. I'm going to discuss it with him, and see if we can find something that will be a happy medium for everyone. I just don't want her to suffer anymore. I can't handle this. I just want her to succeed. |
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