A Clarifying Journey

Her name is Luci. She's rich and compared to societal standards, she had everything the average human can afford. Except the feeling of being enough. Yes, she had a roof over her head and could eat whatever she wanted. But that all would only be reduced to nothing when she sat down and started thinking about how she felt. She felt like she wasn't enough and felt guilty that she felt such a way. She went to therapy, swallowed the pills described, and what not to get rid of the ache. Yet, whenever she was alone, she felt like she was in the center of a spinning spiral that made her feel like a mad man. She was on leave from work because of a supposed burn-out. Which was instead just a faux so she could try to re-organize her feelings. Her apartment was dark, curtains closed only the light a candle illuminating a small area. Luci's shoulders slumped on the couch, as her gaze fixed upon the melting wax of the lit candle. Well, she wasn't actually paying attention. Her mind blank, trying to figure out what to do with feelings that wrapped themselves around melancholy and woe. Her sunken eyes slowly filling themselves with tears and the muscles in her throat tightening uncontrollably. Luci's hand lifted to wipe away the hot tears that made their way down her face once again. No one seemed to understand the desolate feeling of not being enough. In a world where the words 'I want to die.' is treated like another joke, how was she to express herself? Let alone open up to someone. She swallowed thickly, her head hurting from the constant stress exerted on her. For once in her life, she felt grateful for being alone. Luci could not have imagined a world where she would be forced to keep her feelings in check for her children or husband. Oh, how she wanted to disappear into the void that seemed to promise eternal rest. But she couldn't, no matter how hard it got she didn't want the ones that she cared about to cry. To shed tears for her foolishness. She has made it this far, yet none of her experiences gave her the answer to the fundamental question. 'What is the meaning of my existence?' The reason Luci felt like she wasn't enough was because she wanted to fill the blank part in the question with her experiences. Except, no matter how hard or deep these experiences were, it wouldn't suffice for the production of deep and forever-lasting fulfillment. No one seemed to understand that to be morally perfect would be impossible. If you were to be honest on one side, you would be dishonest on the other. No human being will ever be morally perfect, to achieve such a state would be like holding onto a rope that's digging through the flesh of the very hands you're holding it with. The chase of this perfection creates a sense of 'not being enough.' That's why one should strive to be the best person but to be the best version of themselves. Every single human being is different and unique in its own simple way. Yet, we will always find a way to be content in a way that makes us our own person. If all the achievements and possessions were stripped away, what would remain as the core essence of who you are? Would that essence be able to clarify your sense of worth and purpose? It is a question that is rarely asked, yet fundamental to knowing who we are at heart and what we want. Is it happiness? Revenge? Perfection? The only ones who would be able to answer a question like that are us. Because only we know who we truly are. We know ourselves more than the ones we claim to know more than ourselves. This is in correlation to why it is important to find yourself before asking what your purpose is. Why would you search for the meaning of the existence of someone or something before understanding and knowing who or what they are? With alike thoughts stirring in silence, Luci rested her head against the soft pillow on her couch. Closed her eyes and within minutes she felt a tranquility she hadn't felt in a while. For how her story of finding herself and the meaning of her existence would end, is a story only Luci herself could clarify. How? By stopping and embracing her core essence, and who she was. For her to embark on such a journey the first steps could already drain Luci. But to find the answer she longed for; she would have to go through the hardship of loving herself like never before.