Mind Games

...It starts out as a mind game, you know; ah; the power of the mind. You wouldn't even believe if I told you - the mental capabilities you possess, I mean. Unbelievable, how a simple game can take over your mind, possess, and eat away at you like this. It's disgusting, really.

We'll call the culprit... nevermind; there's no fitting name for it. Because that's what it is; an "it," a culprit of the mind, consuming it until all you think and feel is what the theif feeds into you. Sadness, dark, gloom, defeat, sorrow, anger, self-loathing, pain; horror. And every so often you get a glimpse of the light, the other half of your world - the part you don't dwell in or on, because the culprit won't allow you to fade back and forth like everyone else; you are forced into the black and locked inside your own personal hell. When you try to escape it gets worse.

Pause. Go back. You sympathize but don't understand. Let me explain. It starts as a game; part truth, but mostly imagination. You have a bad day, so you play it up in your mind, make it worse (This is why, in the end, you blame yourself.) until you feel as though whatever you're thinking actually happened. That's when it happens; it becomes a feeling instead of simply your imagination: you cross the line: you become what you felt; rather than imagine the pain, the darkness, you allow the black to overtake you, consume you. So, even though it began as a mind game; this darkness; it manifested and filled your mind, eating away and filling you with numbness. Then the numbness begins to take over, pulling you into an apathetic state, down into a deep and dark abyss.

You stay in this abyss for prolonged periods of time, going through the motions and waiting it out. But it never lets go. It continues to sink its sharp teeth into your skin, your body; (it already got to your mind) and it gnaws at you, grinding you down, wearing you away, slowly, and making you suffer in misery.

This misery is just the beginning though; the grimness of your life becomes second-nature, but eventually you begin to question it. Why do I always feel like this? This phase passes quickly; the next step is paranoia. You begin, first, to hear things that were never said: your name called out from a crowd, words translate into another language when spoken in clear english: then you see things. Seems crazy, but things move in the corner of your eye; you turn but nothing is there. You feel presences in the dark when you go to bed, and you can't sleep without a light. Then the light won't even work; you lose more and more sleep; some nights you don't bother. Lack of sleep equates to more lack of caring. Somedays you don't care about anything, even food. There's no need for food somedays.

The culprit does this to you; shows no mercy. He sucks everything out: leaves you feeling numb. Most days it's dark; sometimes the light filters through, though, leaving you with a little bit of hope. Mostly, though, it's the dark.

The dark stays, but eventually it goes away, leaving something much worse. Death lags behind, in many forms. It becomes an obsession;anything is a way to die. A tree to hang from; a knife becomes a tool for your wrist. Mental pictures, - some could call them daydreams (daymares) - become so real they scare you. You see these things: a body, blood pooling around it, mutilated, dead, on the floor. These images seem so real that your heart stops for a moment; the shaking never ceases. This continues; as of yet there is no cure.

It starts out as a simple mind game; who knew the power of your mental body? Amazing: how powerful this darkness is. The black wrecks you; you'll never be whole again.

This narrative is not just informative, but a warning; don't allow this awful culprit to consume your mind: your life: your whole being...

:May 16th, 2005: