hatred

hatred

I understand it, in a way, because I live it and I sew it into my veins like violet thread. I see her coming and I immediately look anywhere but while secretly looking indirectly at. I don't want to be the one to fall; my pride builds me up on gossamer wings and flies me above such forgiveness. How can she? Incredulous to her anger, though I know perfectly well what it stems from. Love. But stubbornly I grit my teeth. Why did she have to love him? For that matter (here I sigh too loudly) why did I? Feeling like I possessed someone's emotions to bend to my will was not good for me. I drank the power with shaking hands and wiped away the darkness clinging to my mouth. I am not going to be the one to say it. My hate is not contained, either. it extends into all aspects of my life like a disease, affects my motion and my grace and my heart. I hate her name, hate every syllable of it, and I rename her a thousand times in my head while knowing that this is not my right. But she is Molly sometimes, to soften the steel in her eyes, and Amaya at others that the night rain meaning will soak into her soul. Make her forgive me, please. I shouldn't have to beg like this! The fire from my eyes burns a stack of the books that are piled in my heart. Each day I lose a little more of myself trying to understand her strange power over me. I must hie from her path and therefore, I cannot go where I wish. I must close my ears to block out her angry words and because of that, I don't hear the music that circulates me. Why must I change my life to encompass her mistakes? There is only one reason, and this is the one that hurts me the most. I love her. She would have been my best friend, my sister,my strength; had I not betrayed her unwittingly she would have been me.