1991

Here we go again, just two years earlier.

April 8,1991

I spent my whole life in places that were unhappy for me. Not to say that I was never laughing or singing in these places, but to say that unhappiness was never far from me. I never truly understood the state that I was in, and I don’t think that anyone could ever explain it to me. But what I do know is that to live unhappily, forever, is not my intention. I’d rather die right here today, than to live unhappy forever. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of my mother without me. Not to say that I’m all of that, but to say for my mother to lose a child would be unbearable and I can’t stomach the thought of her being unhappy because of me. So for now, I’ll go on being unhappy. Not to say that it’s recognizable, but to say that I hide it well.


I may expound on this thought in the present....eventually.


Today was a funny day. I almost cried 5 times. I laughed 7 times. I daydreamed all of the time. I died every single time that my mind let me go off into thoughts of him. Him being someone special. Sorry I can’t say who. It’s just that this might be read before I die by someone or other, and I don’t want to divulge his name at this point. But rest assured that if and when I die, his name can be found in my things, as well as my feelings about him, and my feelings about me and so on...

The drama!