I Hate Myself, I Hate All of You More

I Hate Myself, But I Hate All of You More

I don’t want to be me anymore;
Trying to wash these searing sins from my body,
Scraping so hard at my skin-
I’m left with sheared wounds and still this guilt.

I don’t want to be your friend anymore;
Lost conversations,
Mean words plainly said concealing real hate,
Meaningless fights but so meaningful,
At least they mean something to me.

I don’t want to try anymore;
Endless effort, empty victory,
Trying but it’s never enough,
One slip and the stones will fly,
Does anyone remember the struggle? And for what?

I don’t want to be here anymore;
Running away from heinous past only to create failing future,
Did I mention I hate the sound of your voice?
Everyone is the same stupid shell: Full of everything bullshit and empty of meaning.

I don’t want to be your love anymore;
Passion exploding out my chest,
Longing smothering my lungs,
I can’t breathe!
I can’t breathe without you……

I don’t want control anymore;
Contained anger, (Painted on smile),
Nice words forced out my mouth like foreign bugs coughed up,
Wasted Patience, Not speaking…………
NO SCREAMING TRUE FEELINGS!
I ask, have you ever tried to stop a fire?
Like my bitter tongue, too close and it will burn you,
The only way to stop it is cut off its oxygen,…………true with me also.

I don’t want to feel sad anymore;
I’m sick of running to your half-open-arms
I’m sick of your disillusioned words carried by your powerfully intoxicated breath.

I don’t want to search anymore;
Searching for a job, a pattern, a plan, an idea and my unreal dreams,
Always trying to keep these wandering hands busy, but too involved with obligations to use them for creativity,
When will the cracks from burdens heal, and I can use them once again for what I love?!

I don’t want to wait anymore;
Every morning the sun rises carrying new opportunities, and
sets taking precious time with it,
I feel like it won’t rise and set fast enough, But Too fast for me to even catch up“!”
My death will be upon me and I will . still . be . waiting .

I don’t want to be sad, I don’t want to be here or there, I don’t want to love you, I don’t want to bite my tongue. I don’t want to waste time while waiting for it to pass! I don’t want my only friend, I don’t want to search.
I don’t want to be me, but most of all…I don’t want to be any of you.