Meme

Dearest Meme,
Where should I begin? So much has happened since you were taken from me that chilly october morning. Millions of regrets are gnawing at my insides, like rats trying to tunnel their way out. In a matter of weeks you were gone and everything I should have said went unspoken. I love you more than words can ever describe, a love so deep that it seems to be buried within me. I'll spend my life trying to find it, trying to make you proud as you watch over me.
To say that you left me would be unfair, but on days like this one- where the thought of missing you is better than no thoughts at all- it seems that you did. I have so many questions, about life, your life. Those long talks we'd have , they weren't ever about anything important. I'm just a kid, and they were trivial matters that seemed important at the time. But you listened, you didnt judge or talk in that condescending voice. You offered advice, guided me with your steady hand against the adversary that i faced.
I feel selfish at times because I miss you more when i need you. However, I know that my love for you was great and I pray that you knew it too. Nowadays it feels as if im floating out to sea, with no one to hold me and keep me safe. You were my rock, my consignlere, my mother (honestly), and my most trusted friend. No matter how deep or how dark you knew my secrets, my fears, everything that i was feeling that no one else could see. That mask that I've held tight for years, and only removed for you will now forever remain in place.
A year...a year god it seems like yesterday. I'm so sorry, so sorry meme, I wanted to be there so badly. To say one last good bye, one last I love you. I feel so guilty over it, all of it. And the guilt doesnt go away but I know that it wasn't the last good bye or the last I love you because I will forever love you.
I think about it late at night, before i fall into a sleep filled with nightmares. Months became weeks, weeks into days, and then you were gone. The hospital walls closed in on us until there was nothing left but to take you home. Papa did the right thing, I'll always believe that. The fight was over, jesus meme you did the best you could. You were the toughest person i knew, but god i wanted it to be me. If it was me, maybe i could have fought it. Instead it chose you the only person I'll ever truly love whole heartedly who loved me back with the same force. It hurt you, brought you pain and I sat there and let it.
Its not fair! Theres so many things about those last few days that I wish I could change. If i would have just gone on instinct...I...maybe I could have seen you one last time. Hugged you tight and told you how much I was going to miss you. Told you that no one would ever replace you, that my days would always be darker because you were gone. Truth be told they are, life hasn't gone on meme. how can it? The sun rises and sets same as always but i barely notice. My life is falling apart around me, sprialing out of control and the only person that could ever stop it, is gone. Tell me how to fix it, to make everything better. God took my angel to heaven.