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Powerful, pervasive fears…I like the sound of it. So many sounds, all-waiting to spring out at you, catching you unaware. These fears exist. Maybe because I let them. There lurks the fear of being called names, of being assaulted, perhaps even killed. They make me feel very alone and misunderstood. No one will stop others from name calling, if the name-calling is about homosexuality. We become victims of our own hatred. It is amazing how we can hate, just like that. Where is the understanding? Where is the rationale?
There always has been a perpetual basic need in all of us to be accepted…to be thought of as being normal. Why? Why do I have to think that beauty begins and ends with a woman’s breasts? Why do I have to work hard at being accepted into a society that considers me a freak and yet at the same time does not blink an eyelid when there are bombs bursting into infernos? Hell revisited…ha! I do not want to get married to a nice quiet girl, thank you very much. I cannot understand how my reputation is connected to my marital state. And no, sorry mama, but I rather not give you a good daughter – in law. Oh and Priya aunty, not even your whore house experiment will change me. Whore house experiment? You ask what’s that? My Priya aunty once had a brainwave after I had told the family I was gay. You should have seen their faces. Like a scene at a wake. She trilled and said: ‘Oh dear, it’s just a phase. Put him in a whore – house for a night and he will realize what he’s been missing.’ Oh for heaven’s sake….that night, I wanted to scream at the world, to rave and rant like a mad man.
But then, I started work with a MNC. And isn’t life simply full of ironies? My boss who is happily married, became my sounding board. He accepted me for who I was and even introduced me to people. He helped me to accept myself, to say that hey, I am not different. I am human, just like everyone else.
It has stopped mattering anymore. It has, it really has. I know it has. I am proud of who I am. I am John Mathias and I am gay. Now who has a problem with that?