HUGGZ

HUGGZ

Many try, but few possess the adeptness of body or dexterity of mind to render the perfect hug. Ignorant fools treat a hug like fast food (grab ‘n go), oblivious the many techniques involved.

The first major issue at stake is the placement of the arms. Does one put the arms above or below those of his or her fellow hugger’s? On the other hand (literally), does one opt for the more-equal one-above-one-below hug? This question is not easily answered, because every hugging scenario is different. Ultimately, the placement of the arms portrays one’s status in comparison to the other, not unlike the way wolves carry their tails. The higher the arms are, or for wolves the tail, the higher the rank. Of course, height can produce an exception to this rule. Obviously, a very tall person will have some difficulty placing their arms under those of a shorter hugging accomplice. An additional exception to this rule involves under-arm odor. If one fears one's pits emanate a foul stench, one should thusly place one's arms on the bottom.

The next dilemma encompasses the summit of the human body: on which side is one to place the head? In some cases, left and right possess extraordinarily different meanings. For example, when men pierce their ears, choosing an improper side results in confusion of sexual preference. The solution to this piercing problem is either to know the facts, to refrain from piercing all together, or to pierce both ears. Unfortunately, the only solution for our hugging quandary is to know the facts, unless, of course, one has two heads, and can thus put one head on each side (proving that, for indecisive people, two heads really are better than one). Here are a few guidelines for cranial placement:

1. Choosing a side does not imply partiality to either gender.
2. Most people will opt for the right side simply because the majority of people in this world are right-handed.
3. If you hug a left-handed person, they will most likely prefer the left side. Be sure you do not accidentally offend these left-handers. They do not take well to discrimination. (I would know, as I am one of them…)
4. When making a decision choose quickly. Otherwise, horrible things may occur, like the dreaded back-and-forth action, or even worse the meet-in-the-middle move.

Now, after successfully surpassing the first two hurdles, another obstacle presents itself. How intensely should one squeeze? Once again, this all depends on the other person. Take into account age, gender, and bodily health. Vivaciously hugging someone with a broken appendage or a queasy stomach is probably not the best idea. Also, if a female is involved, be considerate of two things. Finally, Granny may want a giant hug, but be sure that she can handle it. Grandmothers cannot regenerate spinal disks the way starfish regenerate limbs.

Another thing to take into consideration when squeezing is the ear. This crucial organ is frequently ignored until it is too late to turn back. Quite often when squeezing, the ear suctions to the cheek of the other person. This not only leads to an embarrassing noise when releasing from the hug, but it may also damage the other person’s cheek. Be sure to place your ear past the head of your partner to avoid unnecessary injury.

These techniques are all part of the hugging etiquette, and the overall outcome of the hug depends on them greatly. Some variations are possible, but should be used with discretion and ONLY when the basic hug can be completed perfectly. For example, I personally find the hug-lift-and-twirl move the best hug of all. (for all you daredevils: be sure not to spin the other person too rapidly, or their shoe may fly off and cause severe cranial or groinal damage to onlookers).

A Snapple cap once stated that the average person needs three hugs a day, thus, it is vital to take all aspects of this methodology into account (as Snapple caps hold the ultimate truths in life). Remember that ignorance may be bliss, but it can leave you lonely. After reading this tutorial, you may rest in peace knowing that you are an official disciple of the hug. Go now, my children, and spread your newfound knowledge by becoming huggers of men.