A Hobo's Life for me

If I were a hobo, I would be king of the hobos. I think I would spend 5 years traveling around the country, (because that’s how long I think it would take a hobo to travel around the U.S.). In these 5 years I would unify the nations’ hobos under my rule! Just think of it, my smelly legion of open toed minions. They would refer to me as Czar Crazy Eyed Zeek. Man it would be so awesome raiding trash bins with a force of 20 maybe 30 hobos at a time. None would oppose me! And since I would be king hobo I would get first pick of the left over half eaten hamburger buns and whatever conglomeration of condiments was left over from the local Sling Burger Shanty.

Under my rule the hobos of the U.S. will construct me a palace of cardboard to be located in New Jersey, because that’s where hobos should live. In fact my army would be so massive and smelly we would make all the natives of New Jersey leave and move to Canada, because lets face it no one likes people form New Jersey, not even hobos! Anyway my cardboard castle will be at least 20 refrigerator boxes stuck together with masking tape … no duct tape, because that is what the upscale hobos use.

So in my fortress I will have a harem of 2 maybe 3 hobo crack whores, which I will give the collective name of Hobos-a-Gogo. Man what a life I can just picture it, relaxing in my shopping cart … no electric shopping cart, the ones fat people use, because I’m the Czar. On those long summer days as I relax in my cart I would have my harem and hobo servants fetch me old newspapers and booze. I might add that the booze will be gotten by my specially selected elite hobo team, called the Hobo Sack Strike Force. These will be comprised of the dirtiest most pitiful looking hobos who had completed my panhandling school for the gifted. Of course all panhandling proceeds will go directly to me as I would be the supreme hobo of the land.

Once my hobo forces have collected me a million dollars worth of free money, which I wouldn’t have to pay taxes on because it would be a charitable gift, I would gather all my hobos around on the Jersey board walk and tell them “Thank you for the million dollars, Fuck you I’m out of here! Oh and get a job you smelly free loaders.” Then I would rejoin society and chill with my cool million.

This would probably render a good 95% of them crazy or I should say crazier then when I found them. Consequently the crazy ones wouldn’t know what to do after their leader (Me the greatest hobo ever) had left them, so they would all wander up to Canada. The other 5% would probably just wander back to New York where most of them came from anyways.

So in about 5 years time I would have single-handedly solved Americas homeless problem and New Jersey problem. Next stop the presidency!