My Soul Weeps

My Soul Weeps

When I’m alone I have time to think.

The jury is still out on whether this is a positive or negative.


I could over analyse every thought that goes through my head, but then, life is not that long.

You see, I have an over active brain. I am not pretending to be a non-stop clever theorist or any type of intellectual that spends hours each day writing and thinking of new impressive ideas, far from it in fact.

I am not a constant worrier, at least not as much as I was and not as much as everyone else around me seems to be.

I write this as an early age memoirs to refer back to in later life, and also as a lasting impression of my brain should anything physical happen in the future.

There is no other reason why I am doing this than that of a soul cleansing, diary of my thoughts at the present time. It is not proof read, it is not laid out in the best grammatical sense but it is written straight from my heart and soul flowing to my finger tips.

At the moment it is 23:40 on a Thursday night……. Thursday nights, Thursday night used to be the “going out” night. It used to be the night when by this time I’d be too inebriated to walk or talk. Spending time with people who I thought were my friends, enjoying what I thought the full limits of my existence were all about.

Friends. What is a friend? Correction, what is a true friend? Everyone has different labels placed on friendship. Some think everyone they meet is there best friend, some have the life long soul mate that they’ve known through all of school and continue to bond with more as each day passes.

I long for this type of friendship.

People have come and gone in my life and friends have always been something I have wanted more than anything, from primary school reports to modern day life it has been an issue. Why? I don’t know. I have a life long love that knows no boundaries, why should I need anything else?

Why do I only think about all this when I’m alone? If I’m around people I don’t feel like I’m distracted from thinking about life yet these thoughts never pop into my head in ever day occurrence.

I was going to go into how much I am in love with the one woman in my life, and despite the tired old cliché, I can’t put it into writing, not that would fit the context of this text nor that my heavy soul could lift the burden of feelings that it carries, away from my body.

I have sought psychiatric help in the past during a depressing moment in my life and through that time I discovered a great deal about myself and dealt with several issues that were buried deep into the angst ridden hell hole that is my brain.

My tongue hurts.

Nothing has ever seemed to make sense. There is no life plan for me, there has never has been and I doubt there will be. I am not one to roam the world seeking new adventures but have striven to create a happy home balance that is a safe comfortable environment where I can live in peace.

Happiness is all that matters. This is the only message I wish to leave to this world when I die. If you live sad, you make others sad then your life on this earth has been nothing but a waste for you and a hindrance to others.

I sit and wonder why the simplest things in life are complicated by our own design, our own drive to make things simple. The ultimate life irony.


My soul weeps.