My Meaning to Existence

I can watch the seasons roll around year after year, and still not understand what it means.
People say that it is the last day of your life that you discover what the meaning of life is. Some say that, that is what really kills you. You start to imagine all the beauty that can be found in this world. It is all beauty from the snow covered mountains, hours drive away from where I live, to the ocean, to all the amazing creatures.

That's when we move onto humans. Lilu on the 5th element said "What is the point of saving life, if all the things you make are used to destroy?" I don't think anyone really takes notice of the things that they walk past every single day of their life, but never really imagine what it took to make it, how many thousands of people were employed to make a gum wrapper that you just throw onto the ground.

Beauty some say is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone is beautiful, but me. If you looked at me, you immediately think "slob" or "she's so fat" or my personal favourite "god, who the hell would want to be friend's with her?" I think by now I've heard nearly every single insult that people can throw at me. "The last time she saw 90210 was on the scales." No one really sees the beauty inside people like me. Beauty on the outside is compromised by what is on the inside; beauty on the inside is never compromised.

I really wanted to write all of this down because I think that the people who truely have begun to think about beauty of the world start with the small things, a short story here, a encouragement to a stranger there, a cute picture of a child, maybe one you'll never meet.

"Have you been half asleep,
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sounds
That calls the young sailors?
I think they're one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
It's something that I'm supposed to be."
- Rainbow Connection (Kenny Loggins)

"No body can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt

"No one should have to stand up for them self, for their should be no one to stand up to" - Erica Halliwell (Me)

I believe that anyone who has read this far has managed to decipher my language. Some may call it absolute nonsense, but reading between the lines you surely must have noticed how much I hate life. My meaning of life is to make everyone around you as comfortable as possible, so that they may do the same to you. Broken down into little chunks, everyone is happy at least one time in their life, even me, the unhappy, suicidal, slob. Everyone has been unhappy at one time in their life. Everyone has been scared at one time in their life. For if they haven't done all of these things, they truly haven't lived at all.

Beauty is only around for a short time, love is a thing that everyone kills themselves over, not necessarily literally though, but you get my drift.

Take a body builder, when they turn say 60 and they start feeling their age, their body beauty simply turns into fat and a beer belly. A "lowly" teacher turns 60 and they look at their life that has touched many, many people, their beauty is always forever in the lives that they have touched.

Take for example, last year I went through some shit. I can't change what happened, but the first person I turned to was a teacher. Not my parents, not a priest, not a friend, a teacher. Some, probably most would think what a stupid person I am. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that what I did was ok. My parents, well my mum never forgave me for it, it pushed me further into the wide world.

I found beauty in a mud puddle, the reflection of the clouds and sky of bright blue, the red, orange, pink of a sunrise standing at the bus stop at 7am. I'm really lucky in some ways, in others I'm the worst person in the world to stand next to. I'm ugly, but beautiful as all people are.

"Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are with held for me
I realize and I can see
That suicide is painless" - MASH THEME

"I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down"
- LANDSLIDE (Dixie Chicks)

I guess I'll stop talking now, and do what I've always wanted to do, but never had the guts to do, until now.

I love the world, but I don't want to do this.