My Cell Phone is Out to Get Me

My Cell Phone is Out to Get Me
by Robert Camp

Most people today own cell phones, but I am convinced that mine is out to get me. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that a cell phone can be a wonderful thing. My wife and I bought the phone because it was much cheaper than the local monopolistic phone company. Beside saving us money there are other good things about the phone. We never get calls anymore from those pesky telemarketers--which business, incidentally, my brother and three cousins work in. I also really love it that I can get a hold of my wife any time that I want to, even if it is just to tell her she is special. So you are probably wondering what my problem is with my phone aren't you?

You see we got our phone on one of those deals where if you get a new cellular account you get a rebate for the price of your phone. Thirty bucks is a really big deal if you are finishing college and have a one year old. That can buy three packs of diapers, so we thought it was great. What they didn't tell us is that I would be graduated by the time we got the rebate back and we wouldn't need it anyways. In fact I had almost forgotten that we were getting money back and thought that my cell carrier was just sending me a graduation present. We still spent the thirty bucks on diapers.

That does not seem to be a big deal but the worst is yet to come.

I live in the southeast region of Idaho and I am convinced the biggest black hole of a cellular dead zone is located in the region immediately around my house. It does not matter where I stand in my living room, I get static. It is so bad that if I want to call my neighbor they can hear me better if I shout to them through an open window than if I were to use my phone. There are times when people call me whose voices I should recognize--like my mother in law--and I spend about five minutes pretending I know exactly who I am talking to while trying to figure it out. It is really bizarre.

This is the point where I convince you that my cell phone is out to get me.

The other day I called one of my college buddies to see how things were going. The static was so bad that I had to step outside to get better reception. I was going to be quick with my call because my wife was getting ready for the day and I was watching our one year old. Those of you with children know that one or two minutes can be an eternity when dealing with toddlers. I promptly finished my call and turned to go back inside the house, only to find the front door had locked behind me. My two minute phone call had just turned into a twenty minute attempt to get the attention from my wife, who incidentally was locked in the bathroom brushing her teeth.

About the same time I realized I was locked out of the house my little son realized that he was alone. As he loves to be the center of attention, he did what any intelligent child would do. He started to scream and blindly, through the tears, head to the bathroom door to my wife. (I think that he was pounding on the door louder than I was.) To my extreme horror my wife emerged from the door and angrily picked up our son. Since I was outside I could only read her lips as she seemed to mutter something like...lazy bum..mummble mummble ... not for five minutes...mummble mummble...and slammed shut the bathroom door. All this time I was still locked outside! It was another ten minutes before she came looking for me.

Eventually I did get back in the house and managed to again be in the good graces of my wife. I know she is convinced I am a blithering idiot and it is all the fault of my cell phone. Lately I have been watching my back from the crafty piece of technology. I know if I am not careful it could ring while I am driving my car and force me to get into a wreck, or worse the battery might die while I am on an important call about a job and totally ruin my chances of employment. After all, who wants to hire a blithering idiot that gets outsmarted by his cell phone?