An update....

Well, after two weeks of trying to get an answer from my lawyer, I finally got her on the phone Thursday morning. I gues I should have known she was not on my side when I had to chase her down to see if she had even read the papers I faxed over. I was not prepared for what she said.

I heard the words, "You will lose custody," and after that I vaguely remembering saying THANK YOU and hanging up the phone. I thanked her for putting no effort into my case. I must be sick. I don't know why I didn't flip out on her. I guess I was just in too much shock. What the hell do I pay her for??? Well, I am not paying her anymore.

I went to my first class, thinking about what the lawyer had just said. When I saw Janelle and Ashley, I lost it and started to cry. I took notes, but I don't remember what they were about. I walked out of the room after class and Janelle and Ashley began to ask me questions. That is when I totally lost it. I just slipped to the floor and started to sob. I could feel the space around me spinning. I began to hyperventilate. Dr. Conley came and helped me up and took me to his lab.

I am not sure how long I was in that lab, but I know I used a whole box of tissues. I missed Jason's class. Janelle went over to his office to explain. He was totally unsympathetic. He asked her if it was the same old thing that is always wrong with me. When she came back to the lab, she was angry.

We sat there a little while longer. I had stopped crying for the moment, but Janelle didn't want me driving anywhere. I still couldn't think. I was going to go to chemistry lab, but Dr. Walker wouldn't let me. When I saw John (the gay guy in my class) I fell apart all over again. He just hugged me while I cried all over him.

What the hell am I going to do if I lose my kids? I will have no reason for anything. I can't remember the last time I felt this bad. I feel so alone. All I do is cry and I was feeling better.