Don't Hold Back!

I want you to imagine a world where it is acceptable to be perfectly honest, no matter what the circumstances or outcome after having done so. No white lies, no saving face, nothing to cushion those verbal bullets that thus far we’ve only fantasized about aiming.

Given this premise, I’ll present you with some scenarios to tickle your imagination.

SCENARIO #1: Boss asks where you’ve been for the last three hours.

YOUR RESPONSE: “ My nail appointment ran late, and then ALL the tanning beds were full at Bikini City. Can you believe it??”

SCENARIO #2: Best friend asks you to be her maid of honor in her wedding.

YOUR RESPONSE: “Oh, tell me you don’t mean that! I hate all your other friends, so, in effect, I’d have to give a host a bridal shower attended by people I hate. I would have to be in photographs with them, which would be hypocritical on my part. And honestly, I hate your taste in clothes, so I know the bridesmaid dresses would be abortions in taffeta. Thanks, but I’d rather stick pins in my eyes.”

SCENARIO #3: Supervisor has a new hairdo and wants your opinion.

YOUR RESPONSE: Hmmm. Interesting concept. Looks like a hybrid between Condaleezza Rice and Eddie Munster. Is that the effect you were trying to achieve?

SCENARIO #4: Co-worker asks to sample your lunch.

YOUR RESPONSE: “Well, see, I’ve noticed that you don’t wash your hands when we happen to be in the restroom together. And quite frankly, that might make me lose my appetite, make me nauseous, or leave me vulnerable to infection. So sorry, I’d really rather not chance it.”

SCENARIO #5: Customer requests to get ahead of you in the check out line, stating they’re late for an important appointment.

YOUR RESPONSE: “You know, you people kill me. What makes you think your time is more valuable than mine? Besides, just on casual observation, I can see those coupons of yours are in gross disarray. So my answer to you, is not only no, but #$%@ no.” Then you smile smirkily, for effect.

SCENARIO #6: Neighbor constantly uses your trash can when theirs is full. (Or even when it isn’t).

YOUR RESPONSE: A passive-aggressive approach works best here. Wait until the garbage collectors have emptied everyone’s can. You need their can to be empty and clean because you’re going to do something wonderful and humanitarian. You are going to do your part to recycle and save our planet, and what better way then a COMPOST HEAP! Check out Martha Stewart’s instructions, because you want to do it right. Egg shells for the calcium, coffee grinds for the desirable rich, loamy consistency, the list is endless! The smell is bad, but the cause is good. Pretty soon, as predicted, your doorbell will ring. They’ll get over this little bit of unpleasantness when you offer them a real good price on the compost.