Im Just Another Dull Slime Creature

In the beginning, the Earth was without form.
"That's not true," God interrupted, "it just wasn't very pleasant to look at."
The announcer sighs, "Ok. Rob, roll it again." He takes a deep breath, "In the beginning, God created a dismal planet with steep cliffs, impossible terrain, continuously erupting volcanoes and annoying lil puddles everywhere. He added some microscopic slimy-type creatures -- which he admitted later were intensely dull. The fabulous volcanoes incessantly violating the Earth's atmosphere with gaseous clouds of dust and lava rivers of incomprehensible temperatures incinerating everything in its path, were really something to see -- at least for the first ten minutes, anytime after that was quite banal."
Before proceeding, he waits for approval from God. God gives him a thumbs up.
The announcer begins once more, "God discarded this idea and tried again. He incorporated more light and detail into the landscape, eliminated several lil pools and a few volcanoes. Then He designed gigantic creatures to roam the planet -- that should liven things up (and really impress the guys up at the Country Club for the Gods). Unfortunately God made an error of judgment by creating monstrously huge carnivores. If you weren't being eaten -- you were undoubtedly getting stepped on.
Embarrassed, God shook his Etch-A-Sketch and once more, attempted to rebuild his world/science project. He imported lush landscape, divided the oceans to unveil breathtaking coastlines, produced only a few gigantic creatures, and meticulously engineered billions of smaller creatures -- ranging from the barely visible to the impossible to step on."
Dramatic chords were now whipping around God's ears and the announcer paused for effect. God chewed on some taffy thoughtfully, this guy was great and worth every penny -- he made a note to send Debbie a fruit basket for recommending him.
The announcer waited for the music to die down, "This is also where God created his greatest failure." Another lil chord to remind you this was melodramatic. "Man", the announcer said this with the tones of impending doom.
"Man was cute in the beginning, but quickly started to lose his appeal. First of all, there was that whole apple tree business. God told Adam and Eve that he was leasing it from the All Powerful Bill -- God of shrubbery and things. Bill was a phenomenal prick. If any foliage was damaged or slightly discolored (and God forbid -- no pun intended -- an apple missing), Bill will likely do something incredibly annoying like kill all of God's office plants to show his displeasure."
The announcer was momentarily distracted by God making a gagging gesture. The announcer blinked, "Is something wrong?"
God screwed up his nose, "Can't stand that anal retentive bastard."
The announcer refocused, "And the first thing that man does? Not only does he touch the tree, but he picks a couple of apples! To say the least, God was irate. These ungrateful mortals didn't appreciate anything he made. Especially all the tiny lil creatures he painstakingly took so much time and effort to manufacture. God banished Man into the desert and left to play bingo for a few hundred years.
He came back to find things in complete disarray. In a final attempt to save his latest creation, he deployed his only son to smack Man around a bit. However, this too backfired. The lil ingrate develops a holy attitude and rambles on about being Man's savior. Then he proceeds to tell them that he's God. God had never witnessed a phonier display of emotion than during Jesus's so-called crucifixion."
"A wooden slug could out-act him," God muttered.
"Three days later, God hauled his ass outta there and banished Jesus to a sulfur mining planet on the other side of the galaxy. Hence the absence of a second coming. After this, God threw down his Etch-A-Sketch and declared himself the biggest loser of all time -- he marched out of heaven to take a two million year vacation to play golf."
"The majority of Mankind has long since forgotten or disregarded God. However, he'll be in for quite a shock when God returns to shake his Etch-A-Sketch once more."
The announcer looked at God expectantly. God stood and applauded, "I couldn't have said it better myself. What time will it be on?"
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