THE CHAMÆLEON

Lois and Matteo Ricci were celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary on the third of October 2024, with a picnic a kilometre or so from Elroy township in the Victorian countryside. They were sitting on a large black and white throw rug, in the Juventus soccer team colours, Matteo's favourite team.

"You know we really should replace the Juventus-coloured rug with a green and gold one, now you're officially an Aussie," teased Lois, a short attractive mousy blonde.

"Sacrilege! Never!" cried Matteo, a tall athletic blond-haired Italian by birth, not realising that she was teasing him. Until Lois gave it away by laughing: "Ah, so now you are mocking my proud Italian heritage?"

Unable to resist laughing at her husband's stern manner, Lois said: "But you're an Aussie now, you should be barracking for an Aussie Rules or Rugby team now. How about the Hawthorn Hawks like me?"

"Never!" insisted Matteo with such seriousness that Lois couldn't help laughing again: "Born a Juventus follower, lived and died a Juventus follower."

"It's only soccer," teased Lois.

"Only soccer! Bah, blaspheme! It is real football, not like those silly games Aussie Rules or Rugby."

Unable to resist laughing at his sternness, Lois nestled her blonde head against her husband's shoulder in the hope of getting back in his good books.

"Sorry," said Lois between giggling: "Here, have a slice of pizza."

"I hope it is proper pizza, not that Hawaiian rubbish you like?"

"I got some Hawaiian rubbish for me, and some pepperoni for you," she said.

She was tempted to hand him a slice of the ham and pineapple pizza, but wisely thought better of it.

"Excellent," said Matteo, biting into the pepperoni pizza happily. Finally forgiving his wife for her blaspheme against Juventus and the World Game.

After finishing their pizzas, they had a simple green salad of lettuce, and sliced tomatoes, lightly dressed with oil, salt and vinegar.

"Now comes dessert," said Lois. She took a delicious-looking, chocolate layer cake out of the wicker basket: "I made it myself to celebrate our anniversary."

"Uh-oh," said Matteo, deciding it was his turn to do the teasing.

"What?" demanded Lois, pretending to take the bait: "I could always throw it in your face..."

She picked up the cake as though intending to do so. But gave it away by giggling.

"Oh, I see, again I am the brunt of your Aussie humour!"

"Our Aussie humour," corrected Lois: "Now that you have been naturalised."

"I believe the term is nationalised, my love," corrected her husband.

"Well, pardon me," said Lois, pretending to be offended. Putting down the cake again, she cut off a small slice for herself, and a much larger slab for her chocolate addicted husband. And they say we women are chocoholics, she thought, as Matteo happily munched upon the chocolate treat.

Reaching into the wicker basket, Lois took out two mugs, and a bottle of Cannonau di Sardegna from Sardinia, her husband's favourite wine.

"Bellissimo," said Matteo after taking a generous sip.

"Ah, ah," corrected Lois: "In Australia, we say fabuloso."

"Ah, now you are teasing me again, my love," said Matteo. He started to say something more, then stopped and stared past his wife: "Was that gum tree there when we sat down."

Looking behind her, Lois saw a large blue gum tree perhaps three metres away. Teasing, she said: "No that's what we call a walking gum in this country. They uproot themselves and sneak up upon you when you least expect it."

"Now, my beloved don't treat me like an ignorant Eyetie. Even I know that gum trees can't uproot themselves and sneak up upon you."

Yet, even as he said it, that's exactly what the large tree did, uproot itself to step forward a metre.

"What?" asked Lois, seeing her husband's wide-eyed stare: "Has it come...?"

She looked around and stopped, as she saw that the tree had definitely moved closer to her:

"What the Hell?" she said, staring in terror as the tree moved closer another metre, until it was almost up to her.

"Come on!" cried Matteo leaping to his feet: "Whatever that thing is it isn't good."

Instinctively Lois started to scoop up the dishes to put them into the wicker basket. However, her husband grabbed her and dragged her roughly to her feet, saying:

"Leave them, we don't have time..."

As he spoke, the blue gum tree transformed into a chamæleon. But not the small harmless Old World lizard capable of colour-shifting camouflage. Instead, this chamæleon was the size of a small rhinoceros, with sharp blade-like teeth.

Shrilling evilly, the Chamæleon raced forward and grabbed Lois by the waist. For a minute or two Matteo and the monster engaged in a tug of war for the screaming blonde. Then the Chamæleon snapped down hard with its fangs and bit Lois in half.

Caught unawares, Matteo fell over onto his backside, with the top half of Lois flying over him, splattering the new widower with gore and blood.

"Lois!" cried Matteo, not yet able to understand that his beloved wife and lover was dead.

Then as the Chamæleon continued to chomp upon the lower half of the woman, Matteo came to his senses and raced across to their Volkswagen Golf and started it up. Then despite being half blinded by tears, he put the car into gear and raced out of the forest, leaving the monster to devour the love of his life.

"Lois, oh, Lois!" cried Matteo, almost crashing the VW as he started crying openly.

Despite watching the departing vehicle, the Chamæleon continued to crunch away upon the lower half of Lois Ricci, before moving across to start devouring her upper half. The creature would have liked to have eaten Matteo too. But still, the mousy blonde made a nice meal.

After finishing, the Chamæleon burped loudly and then headed across to a sweet-smelling blue-gum tree. Looking up, it saw a large koala in the tree and started climbing up toward it. The monster was still a metre below the koala when it transformed again ... this time into a replica of the real koala.


Over at the Yellow House in Rochester Road in Merridale, they were celebrating the thirty-sixth birthday of Terri Scott, an attractive ash blonde, and the top cop of the BeauLarkin to Willamby area.

"Ah, you blokes," said Terri: "You really should have ... Seriously, I would have arrested the lot of you if you'd forgotten my birthday."

"On what charge, copper?" teased Colin Klein. A tall athletic redhead man of forty-nine, he worked under Terri and was her fiancée.

"Failing to celebrate the top cop's birthday."

"Is that even on the law books," teased Leo Laxman; a tall Jamaican-born nurse, who had recently moved into the Yellow House on Sheila's recommendation.

"In Glen Hartwell, it probably is," teased Derek Armstrong, an athletic black American by birth, who was Sheila's boyfriend: "With all the other goofy stuff that goes on around here."

"That's certainly true," said Tommy Turner, a short, fat, blond retiree: "This is one goofy place."

"Said the pot to the kettle," teased Natasha Lipzing.

At seventy-one years old, the tall grey-haired lady had spent more than half of her life at the Yellow House, so named due to the landlady's obsession with the colour yellow.

"Are you suggesting I'm goofy!" demanded Tommy.

"Wacky backy is more the term we would use, Tommy," said Freddy Kingston.

Another retiree, Freddy was tall, portly with a Larry Fine-style ruff of curly black hair around his otherwise bald head.

"Ha, ha, it is to laugh," said Tommy, sounding unamused.

"Quieten down children," teased Deidre Morton bringing a huge birthday cake across to the kitchen table around which they were sitting.

A short, dumpy, sixty-something woman, Deidre was a Michelin-star level cook and had never been married, despite using the title Mrs.

"Yum, yum," said Sheila as the cake was placed before Terri.

As the phone rang in the hallway, Suzette Cummings, a petite ravenette, who had just turned eighteen said: "As the lowest ranked cop here, I'll get that."

Terri carved up the cake and handed out generous slices while Suzette was away. When the raven-haired teen returned, Terri asked:

"Do you want a slice of cake, Suzette, or a slab like Sheils and Tommy?"

"That was Jesus Costello on the line," said the policewoman, ignoring the question: "He's treating Matteo Ricci for shock. Matteo says his wife, Lois, has just been eaten by a blue gum tree."

Dropping the knife onto the floor, Terri said: "That is definitely the last thing that I expected you to say!"

As Terri started to stand, Colin pushed her back into her chair saying: "Stay here and celebrate your birthday, babe. Suzette, Sheils, and I can go investigate this latest wackiness."

As the three cops headed outside, Sheila said: "Actually, carnivorous blue gums are one of the few wacky backy things we haven't encountered yet in the Glen Hartwell area."

"Jesus said it happened in the Elroy area. Not far from Shepherds' Point," said Suzette as they started toward the Glen Hartwell and Daley Community Hospital to speak to Jesus first.


"Not much we can tell you," said Jesus half an hour later. A tall, muscular man of Greek and Italian ancestry, Jesus (pronounced 'Hee-Zeus') was the chief administrator and head surgeon of the hospital: "Matteo was in a dazed state and crashed his car into Guido's Fruit & Veg shop in G.H. ... Completely destroying his cantaloupes."

"The poor bastard," teased Sheila.

"The fruit," said Jesus.

"Really, I thought he was married," teased Sheila.

"Does Sheila ever talk sense?" asked a frustrated Jesus.

"Not in our experience," teased Suzette, as Colin shook his head.


An hour later they were parked at Shepherds' Point outside Elroy. Looking around, they quickly located the bloody skeletal remains of Lois Ricci.

"Oh, my God," said Suzette, having to turn around to avoid throwing up.

"Why do we keep encountering monsters or maniacs who reduce their victims to skeletons?" asked Sheila.

"Do you mind, Chief?" asked Suzette. Still looking away, she noticed the gum tree with two koalas staring down at them.

"Koalas," said Suzette.

"Strangely enough we do have koalas in Australia," said Colin.

Looking down at the three police officers, the Chamæleon decided it would eat Colin first, then Sheila second, saving petite Suzette for dessert. It readied itself to leap from the tree...

Then from in the distance they heard the sound of a car approaching.

Frustrated, the Chamæleon clung to the tree to watch as a police-blue Land-Rover approached through the forest.

After stopping, out stepped Stanlee Dempsey (a huge hulking police sergeant with short raven hair) and Jessie Baker (a tall ox of a man with flame-red hair).

"Allo allo allo," said Stanlee by way of greeting.

"Ev'nin all," said Jessie.

Both doing their worst possible British Bobby impersonations for Colin's benefit.

"Oh, look," said Sheila: "It's the two not-to-be-named Marx brothers, Freako and Geeko."

"She can be quite cruel, Geeko," said Stanlee, pretending to be upset.

"Indeed, my dear Freako," said Jessie.

"So what's the...?" started Stanlee, stopping as he saw the remains of Lois Ricci: "Yeech!"

"Pretty much our reaction, when we got here," said Colin.

"So what's the lowdown?" asked Jessie.

"According to Matteo, a gum tree ate her," said Suzette, without taking her eyes away from the two koalas, in preference to looking at the remains.

"Well, don't get too close to that one," teased Stanlee: "It might eat you next."

"Very funny," said Suzette, not sounding amused: "Hey, that's strange ... One of the koalas is scoffing down gum leaves ... The other is just sitting there watching us."

"Watch out," teased Jessie: "It might be a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who, an Aussie vampire. They wait in trees to leap down upon any juicy-looking prey passing underneath."

"What, so they're too lazy to go hunting for prey?" asked Stanlee.

"Yep. The prey has to come to them."

"Yara-Ma-Yha-Whos aren't supposed to be able to change into koalas, or gum trees," pointed out Colin: "So, I doubt that's what it is."

Nonetheless, Suzette backed strategically away from the gum tree, just to be on the safe side.

They were still talking about the Yara-Ma-Yha-Who legend when they heard sirens approaching. A few minutes later an ambulance arrived with Cheryl Pritchard, a tall athletic paramedic, plus Derek Armstrong, and Tilly Lombstrom -- a tall, shapely fifty-something brunette, Jesus Costello's second in command.

"Okay, Freako and Geeko, you two stay here while Tils is working her magic," said Sheila: "We three will go scoff some more birthday cake ... I mean report back to Terri."

After they had departed, Jessie asked: "How come they get all the birthday cake scoffing assignments, and we get all the gruesome ones?"

"Privileges of rank, my dear Geeko," said Stanlee.


Darius and Madelyn 'Maddie' Thomsett and their three children were enjoying their last day's holiday in the Victorian countryside, before having to head back to Los Angeles the next day. Darius was a tall dark-haired man, a former College footballer; Madelyn was a petite, but curvacious strawberry blonde. Harrison 'Harry' their eldest, aged eleven, was a spitting image of Darius except for having his mother's hair. Dahlia was a nine-year-old ravenette who looked like her mother; Louisa aged seven, was a yellow blonde like Maddie's mother, Allison.

"Well, I'm disappointed we haven't seen any ee-moos or kangaroos," said Darius: "But otherwise it's been a great holiday down under."

"Der's a cola bear in dat tree," said Louisa. She pointed to where the Chamæleon sat in the tree in its koala guise, staring down at them.

Although there were five of them, the Chamæleon decided that the children were no danger to it. So it would kill the man first, then the redheaded woman.

"Here, cola bear," said Louisa getting up to go over to the red gum tree, that the Chamæleon now sat in.

"Lou-Lou come and eat your breakfast," called Maddie: "When we get back to L.A. there won't be any outdoor breakfasts."

"No, it'll be late fall with winter just around the corner," said Darius.

"I wanna pway with the cola bear," insisted Louisa, as Daddy's little girl, used to getting her way.

"It's six yards up the tree," pointed out Harry.

"So? I can cwimb," insisted Louisa heading toward the gum tree.

"Oh, no you don't!" said Darius.

Jumping to his feet, he raced across to the gum tree to stop her from trying to climb the tree.

At his approach, the Chamæleon decided it was time for breakfast, and hurled itself at the unsuspecting man.

"What...?" said Darius in shock.

Surprised by the weight of the creature, Darius fell over onto his back with the koala on top of him. However, it immediately transformed into its true form, a gigantic Chamæleon with razor-edge teeth.

"What...?" said Darius again. However, the monster silenced him by ripping out his throat.

As Maddie and the children started screaming, the Chamæleon raced across to grab Maddie to pull her to the ground. It ripped off her face and devoured it, before cracking open her skull to start eating her brain, finally killing the strawberry blonde.

While the monster continued to devour their mother, the screaming children raced across to their family's rented blood-red Subaru Impreza. Harry pulled open the back door, and then the three children piled inside, hiding their heads so they wouldn't have to see the monster devouring their mother.

Outside the monster hurriedly consumed Maddie Thomsett, then returned to Darius, who it started to eat also. It was perhaps halfway through its second meal, when it heard talking, as a small group of people advanced toward them.

Reluctantly, the Chamæleon abandoned the carcase of Darius Thomsett and raced across to peer toward the approaching hikers. Seeing six people, three strong burly men, the Chamæleon returned to the red Impreza and transformed until it looked identical to the Subaru.

"Hey, look, two cars," said one of the hikers, a raven-haired man, Jonny.

"So what, lots of people have cars," teased his old brother, Danby Wallace: "Even out here in the sticks."

"Yeah, but the cars are identical," pointed out Jonny.

"Lots of families have two identical cars."

"But they even have the same number plates, DIX BG1."

"What?" asked Danby, checking and seeing his brother was right: "Well bugger me with a broomstick."

"And they even seem to have the same three children in the back seat," pointed out their younger sister, Anya, named after the popular singer.

The brothers looked across to where, hearing the voices, Harry, Dahlia, and Louisa Thomsett had sat up in the backseat of the Subaru Impreza; with lookalike Harry, Dahlia, and Louisa sitting in the rear of the second Subaru.

"Bugger me again," said Danby: "That's not possible!"

They started across toward the two cars, startling the Chamæleon which immediately transformed into a huge red kangaroo and rapidly hopped away, heading deeper into the forestland.

"Well, bugger me yet again," said Danby.

"Bro., is there something about you that we don't know ... but should?" teased Jonny Wallace.


Terri, Colin, Sheila and the others were enjoying a hot breakfast of pancakes with maple syrup, when there came a knocking at the front door.

"Now who could that be?" asked Deidre Morton, going to check.

"It had better not be work-related!" said Sheila: "I'm sick of work calls when we're eating."

A moment later, Deidre returned to the dining room, with Jessie Baker and Stanlee Dempsey in toe.

"Howdy Doody, boys and girls," said Stanlee.

"Oh Lord, Freako has turned into Howdy Doody," said Colin. Then to Jessie: "I guess that makes you Clarabell."

"Moo," said Jessie.

"Actually, Clarabell was mute, so they didn't have to pay the actor the standard four hundred dollars per line."

"Those cheap bastards," said Stanlee.

"So why are you two disrupting our brekkie?" demanded Sheila.

Sitting down to eat, as invited by Deidre, Stanlee said: "It's happened again."

"Someone else eaten by a gum tree?" asked Terri Scott.

"No, this time, according to the kids, their parents were eaten by a koala that then changed into a monster," said Jessie, referring to his notebook: "Then according to the Wallaces, it then transformed into a duplicate of the Thomsetts's Subaru, complete with identical number plates, and identical kids hiding in the backseat. Before changing into a big red kangaroo and hopping away."

"The Wallace brothers are hardly a reliable source," said Terri.

"Their sister, Anya, backed them up," said Stanlee.

"Young Anya has a good head on her shoulders," said Deidre Morton.

"Pity you can't say that for Jonny or Danby," said Colin.

"What happened to the kids?" asked Terri.

"They've been taken to the hospital under sedation," said Jessie: "Don Esk, Woof, Lisa, and Drew Braidwood are attending the murder scene."

"Then, let's get stuck into our brekkie before going to have a look-see," suggested Sheila.

"Agreed," said Terri. Then when everybody stared at her: "Hey, Sheils isn't the only one to get tired of Geeko and Freako interrupting us at meal times."

"I thought we were now Howdy Doody and Clarabell," protested Jessie.


An hour later they were at East Merridale, with Tilly Lombstrom, Jesus Costello, and Elvis Green (the local coroner, an avid Elvis Presley fan) all scrutinising the remains of Darius and Maddie Thomsett.

"So what's the verdict, Docs.?" asked Sheila.

"They've definitely been devoured, or partially devoured in Darius's case, by some kind of creature," said Jesus.

"Don't baffle us with details, Jesus," teased Colin.

"I'm afraid that's all we can say until we've got them to hopital to perform autopsies," said Elvis.

"Hopital?" said Terri: "They really are baffling us with ski-ence."


An hour later, the doctors were at the Glen Hartwell and Daley Community Hospital in the basement performing autopsies. Terri and co. were in London Street, East Merridale, talking to the Wallaces.

The three siblings repeated what they had already told Drew Braidwood and Donald Esk.

"It's not that we don't believe you..." began Terri Scott.

"It's just that it sounds like BS," said Sheila, less tactfully.

"I got some snaps," said Anya, holding up her mobile phone.

In the first picture, they saw the two identical red Subarus, with identical kids in the back seats. The third picture showed a big red kangaroo hopping away. But the remarkable one was the second picture...

It showed the creature halfway transformed between a red Subaru and a big red kangaroo.

"Hey, it's part Subaru and part kangaroo," said Sheila: "A kanga-Suba-roo."

"Well, I guess these prove the killer is some kind of shapeshifter," said Terri.

"As horrified as Tilly and Jesus will be when we tell them," said Colin.

"Let's go tell them right away," teased Sheila.

"First, please email me copies of the pix," said Terri, giving Anya her email address.

"You really should get a Gmail or Yahoo address," said Anya emailing the pictures to Terri.

"I've been telling her that for years," said Sheila.

"But she's not very big on ski-ence or technamalology," teased Colin.

"How dare you both," said Terri: "I know ski-ence and technamalology real good."


Devon and Matilda Donaldson were strolling through the forestland outside BeauLarkin where they lived. In their twilight years, Devon was eighty-two and Matilda 'Tilda' eighty-five, the couple had been married for sixty-four years and were walking arm in arm. Although they looked frail, they still walked two or three kilometres a day together, as they had done since their marriage in 1960.

"'Let's Twist Again'," sang Devon; since they had been married at the start of the twist era.

"Let's not," teased Tilda: "My poor aluminium hips wouldn't stand it. Besides no one under sixty remembers the Twist anymore."

"Well, that's their loss," insisted Devon: "The Twist beats any of those strange dances they do these days: the Hippetty Hoppetty, the Disco Dancer, Rap Dancing, the Hokey Cokey..."

"It's Hip Hop, dear, not Hippetty Hoppetty, and the grandkids love it."

"They'd drop it like a hot spud if they saw me twisting."

"They'd call for an ambulance if they saw you twisting," corrected Tilda: "Or else run away screaming."

"How dare you," said Devon a little peeved at the love of his life.

"And there's no such thing as the rap dancer, that's a person, not a dance."

"You mean like that Vanilla Slice bloke Lucy is always talking about?"

"I think you'll find it's Vanilla Ice."

"And that bloke SmarTay."

"Actually, it's Eminem."

"How do you know all that groovy speak?" demanded Devon.

"No one has said groovy in fifty years, dear."

"I say it all the time."

"Which is why the grandkids all think you're a bit strange."

"How dare you?"

"Nowadays they say chill or ice hot."

"How do you know all this stuff, Tilda?"

"I actually listen to the youngsters."

"Why? They've got nothing interesting to say."

"And what interesting things do you have to say?"

"I tell them about our love and life together."

"That is so sweet, dear. Just don't say groovy, hippetty hoppety, or SmarTay when you're talking to them."

"You're the boss, honey," conceded Devon.

They were still talking, when they encountered the concrete staircase, going up one storey, even though there was no building attached to it.

"What the aitch?" said Tilda.

"Isn't that typical of the Victorian Government," said Devon: "Building a staircase to nowhere like in that song, 'Zorba the Greek'."

"The film was 'Zorba the Greek,' corrected Tilda, walking across to the mysterious concrete staircase: "The song was, 'If I Were a Rich Man'. And this staircase wasn't here when we passed this way yesterday."

"It must've been, it looks ancient! Concrete takes a day or so to set solid, and years to age to this extent. I should know, I used to be a brickie."

"All the more reason why you would have noticed it, had it been here yesterday," insisted Tilda, starting to walk up the staircase.

"Why are you walking up a staircase to nowhere?" asked Devon, as the concrete steps started to quiver and change...

Transforming into the Chamæleon.

Tilda screamed as she fell, stopping when the creature ripped out her throat with its needle-like teeth, almost smiling as the old woman's hot blood splashed across it.

"Tilda!" cried Devon Donaldson as the love of his life died before his eyes.

The Chamæleon shrilled at Devon and started toward him ... Stopping to stare at the old man in surprise as he held his ground.

"Come on you monster, kill me!" cried Devon.

After sixty-four years of blissful married life, he couldn't imagine living without Tilda and just wanted to die with her.

Startled by this strange behaviour, the Chamæleon stood its ground for a moment ... Then raced forward to rip out Devon's stomach, making the old man scream in agony as his organs and entrails flopped out onto the carpet of sweet-smelling pine needles and gum leaves.

Excited by the old man's screams, the monster raced forward again and started to eat him alive ... until finally, it ate the old man's heart and the screaming ceased as Devon died.

In a feeding frenzy now, the Chamæleon gorged upon the carcase of the old man, before returning to devour the remains of Tilda Donaldson.

After finishing, the monster burped loudly, then transformed into an emu, to take off at a speed no racehorse could match through the eucalyptus and pine forest.


Derek, Sheila, and Tommy Turner had just finished watching, 'The World's Stupidest Stuntman Down Under' when the phone in the corridor started to ring.

"Who can that be?" demanded Sheila, looking at her watch: "It's twenty to ten."

She went out to speak on the phone for a moment before returning to announce: "That was the mayor of BeauLarkin. There's been two more wacky killings."

"BeauLarkin? That's two hours drive away, isn't it?" asked Derek.

"Not the way I drive," said Sheila going upstairs to awaken Terri and Colin. She listened at the door for a moment, then knocked loudly, shouting: "Come on you two sleeping beauties, wakey-wakey!"

"This had better be work related!" called back Terri: "Or there'll be one less mad Goth chick in the local constabulary."

"I'm the only mad Goth chick in the local force," pointed out Sheila: "And it's happened again in BeauLarkin."

"Oh God, it'll be one o'clock before we get back to bed," complained Terri shaking Colin awake.

"'A civilian may work from sun to sun'," misquoted Sheila: "But a copper's work is never done."

"Now she's misquoting Shakespeare at me," said a bleary-eyed Terri.

"Wake me when you get back," teased Colin.

"Not in a million years, sleepy head," said Terri. She started whacking him gently until he conceded defeat and started to climb out of bed.

Fifteen minutes later they were in the blue Lexus heading toward the second biggest town in the BeauLarkin to Willamby area.

"You two take a nap," offered Sheila: "Leave the driving to me ... We'll be there in no time."

"That's what we're afraid of," said Colin.

"As long as we get there alive."

"Ah, have you ever known me to crash?"

"You wiped out my first Lexus!" [See my story, 'The Drifter'.]

"Other than that?"

However, Terri had placed her head on Colin's left shoulder and was already snoring.

"Does she do that while you're trying to sleep?" asked Sheila.

"Yes, but if I roll her onto her back she usually stops."

Ninety minutes or so later they pulled up at the town hall in Paisley Street BeauLarkin, where a short, dumpy woman with grey hair, Mayor Hetty Cooper, was waiting for them.

"Hets, climb in," invited Sheila.

"Gee, you got here fast," said Hetty climbing in next to the Goth chick.

"I always treat deaths as urgent."

"In other words, you drove like a maniac ... like usual."

"Maybe ... but try proving it, since Tezza and Col are both asleep in the back seat."

"Actually, I'm wide awake," said Colin: "Terri's snoring has stopped me from getting any sleep. And she'll kill you, if she hears you calling her Tezza!"

"Why didn't you roll her over onto her back?"

Ten minutes later, they arrived at the death scene, to find Tilly Lombstrom, Jesus Costello, and Topaz Moseley (a gorgeous thirty-something platinum blonde nurse) examining the remains of Devon and Matilda Donaldson.

"How the Hell did you blokes get here before us?" demanded Sheila.

"We came by air ambulance," explained Topaz, pointing to a helicopter parked not far away.

"You sneaks!" said Sheila: "Well, we get to ride in the chopper on the way back."

"'Fraid not," said Jesus: "It's taking us straight back to the hospital."

"So what's the verdict, Docs.?" asked a bleary-eyed Terri Scott.

"They've definitely been killed and eaten by something?" said Tilly.

"Tils, you're getting quite sarky in your youngish middle age," said Sheila.

After taking dozens of police photos, Terri allowed them to collect up the remains of the two elderly people.


The next day it was nearly 10:00 AM before Terri, Colin, and Sheila arrived at the Glen Hartwell and Daley Community Hospital.

"So, any luck working out who they were?" asked Terri.

"The woman was definitely Tilda Donaldson, so the man is probably her husband Devon," said Jesus.

"That's fast work," said Colin.

"Tilda had two aluminium hips, with serial numbers on them. So we were able to check the online data base to find who she was," said Tilly.

"So, you're not as clever as we thought," teased Sheila.

"Ignore her," said Jesus.

Never one to miss a point-taking opportunity, Sheila asked: "What did you think of the three pix we showed you? Especially the one of the Subaru-kangaroo."

"I'm tempted to tell you to eff off, but I'm too polite," said Jesus: "So I'll just say get stuffed."

"Actually, we thought at first the half-and-half pic had to have been faked, but experts in Melbourne say otherwise," said Tilly.

"Uh-oh, you let people in Melbourne see them?" asked Terri, startled.

"Yes, why?"

"The area will be inundated with journos tomorrow," said Colin.

"All the more reason for us to solve this case today," said Terri.

"Let's try out our old mate in Harpertown," suggested Sheila.

"Well, since the ski-entists can't help us," said Terri, as the three cops turned to leave.


Forty-five minutes later the blue Lexus pulled up outside the general store in Chappell Street, Harpertown, where they found Bulam-Bulam, a grey-haired elder of the Gooladoo tribe and a close friend of theirs. He was also the local authority on Dream Time legends.

Bulam-Bulam listened, clearly perplexed, as they related what had been going on, and they showed him the three photos taken by Anya Wallace.

"Curiouser and curiouser," said the old man: "But it doesn't fit in with any legend from the Dreaming Time that I'm aware of. And I know most if not all of them."

As they headed back to the Lexus after thanking Bulam-Bulam for his time, Sheila said: "I guess we'll just have to check out our witchy friend."

"Magnolia McCready!" said Colin and Terri.

"She seems to know most non-Dream Time legends."


Magnolia McCready, a tall busty redhead with electric-blue eyes, sat in the front room of 1/21 Calhoun Street, Glen Hartwell after handing around cups of green tea.

"So what can I do for you this time?" asked Magnolia.

Terri quickly explained what had been happening, causing Magnolia to start and almost spill her hot tea upon herself.

"Sounds like you're dealing with a Chamæleon," said the Wiccan.

"I thought chamæleons were those harmless little critters that look like a cross between a frog and a lizard," said Terri.

"The ones that change colour to hide from predators," added Colin.

"The non-evil ones are," agreed Magnolia: "But the evil ones are as large as a croc and can change shape, not colour, imitating anything they've seen; and can eat a large man in fifteen to twenty minutes."

"That sounds like our critter all right," said Sheila.

"So how do we stop it?" asked Terri.

"We'll use a calling spell to bring it to us ... Like we did with the Banshee, and the Sky Dancers," said Magnolia. [See my stories, 'A Banshee Shrilling', and 'The Sky Dancers'.]

"Excelente," said Colin.

"Just one thing," said Magnolia: "While I'm mixing the ingredients for the calling potion ... I'll need you lot to arrange to have a barred cell made."

"Okay, how big?" asked Terri.

"Big enough to hold a Southern Right Whale ... Just to be on the safe side. That's probably the biggest thing it could have seen."

"Let's hope it hasn't seen any dinosaur movies," said Sheila.

"How big is a Southern Right Whale?" asked Colin.

"Up to eighteen metres in length, perhaps twelve metres wide," said Magnolia: "And the cage will need to be strong enough to hold a creature weighing about eighty thousand kilos."

"So we need to get it re-enforced?" asked Sheila as they departed.

"That might be a good idea," conceded Magnolia: "Build it aways in the forest, so that if the worst comes to the worst, it won't destroy my half-house."

"Okey dokey," said Sheila: "It can destroy all of us, but not where you live."

"Exactly. I'm glad you understand," said Magnolia grinning cheekily.


"So, where to?" asked Sheila as they sat in the police-blue Lexus in Calhoun Street.

"Around to the Department of Building and Works, to see about getting that cage built," said Terri.

"Okey dokey," said Sheila starting the car.

Twenty-eight minutes later they reached the Department of Building and Works depot in Riordan Street, Harpertown.

"So what can we do for you?" asked George, the foreman.

"We need you to build a cage for us urgently," said Terri, going on to give them the specs.

"Eighteen metres in length, twelve metres wide," repeated George: "Strong enough to hold a creature weighing about eighty thousand kilos?"

"That's our bebee," said Sheila.

"And we need it built in the forest, perhaps a kilometre from where Magnolia McCready lives," said Colin.

"Who the Hell is Magnolia McCready?" asked George.

"All right, in the forest about one Kay from Calhoun Street, Glen Hartwell," said Terri.

"Gotcha."

"And we need it by tomorrow morning at the latest so you'll have to work through the night if necessary."

"Building and Works don't pay overtime."

"We'll pay you out of police funds if necessary."

"Now what?" asked Colin as they returned to the Lexus.

"We could always go back and harass Magnolia, to speed her up," suggested Sheila.

"Or cause her to make a mistake, so the calling doesn't work," pointed out Colin: "Potentially getting us all killed."

"Trust you to pick out the one flaw in my otherwise brilliant plan."


It took two hours before the Department of Building and Works could even start building the containment cage for the Chamæleon. By midnight, Magnolia McCready was ready to begin the calling ritual, however, the cage would not be finished until well after dawn, so Terri, Colin, and Sheila returned to Deidre Morton's boarding house for a few hours of sleep.

By dawn, however, the cage still was not quite finished, so the three police returned to the Yellow House for breakfast before returning to the forest at 8:30 AM, pleased to find the that containment cage was finally finished.

"Looks great," said Colin, testing the cage with his fist.

"Thanks, George," said Terri: "Put in a claim with us for overtime payment and we'll pay it ASAP."

"So this year, or next year?" teased George.

"Probably about Christmas next year," teased back Sheila.

"So, do you want to stay and watch Magnolia do the calling ceremony?" asked Colin: "Remembering that she said there was a fifty percent chance of it succeeding; and a fifty percent chance of us all getting slaughtered."

"As tempting as getting slaughtered sounds, I think we'll head back for a few hours sleep, before heading back to work," said George as his team started to pack up to leave.

Half an hour later Magnolia Macready had started to perform the calling ritual, after placing a small bowl of chemicals inside the cage, explaining:

"That's to ensure that if it comes, it appears inside the cage, not outside where we are."


Lulu Wellins, a short petite brunette teenager was walking her gigantic bull mastiff, Woof, through the forest a kilometre or so from where Magnolia and the three police officers were.

"It was kind of Mr. Brody to give me the day off from working at the mall, so we could spend some quality time together," said Lulu.

"Woof," said Woof.

"I'm glad you agree with me."

Reaching into the paper bag she carried, Lulu took out some doggy bix which Mr. Brody had allowed her to take.

"Here, you go big bloke," said the teenager.

"Woof," said Woof, slobbering all over Lulu's hand as he scoffed down the half a dozen biscuits.

"Ooh, dog slobber," teased Lulu.

She took a small hand towel from the bag to wipe her hand.

She started to wipe her hand when Woof started woofing angrily.

"What's wrong, mate?" asked Lulu, almost being dragged off her feet as Woof started pulling her toward a ghost-gum tree.

"What is it, something spooky up the tree?" asked the teenager.

Look as she might, though, all Lulu could see was a brown and reddish kookaburra sitting high in the gum tree, staring down at them.

"Ah, you big hairy drongo," said Lulu: "Afraid of a little kookie-bludger."

Then the kookaburra launched itself at the teenager, transforming into its true form as the Chamæleon in mid-flight. Startling Lulu as it landed upon her forcing her to fall over backwards.

As Lulu started screaming, Woof attacked the Chamæleon, taking it by surprise.


"This is the most crucial part of the ritual," said Magnolia McCready: "So gobs shut everyone ... That means you, mad Goth chick."

"How dare you," said Sheila, shutting up as she received a glare from the Wiccan.


Despite its intention of quickly killing the petite teenager, Woof was putting up such a good fight, that the Chamæleon found itself having to fight for its own life against the huge dog. Something that had never happened to it before during its centuries of life.

With Woof attacking the monster, Lulu managed to wriggle out from under the Chamæleon, a little bruised with a couple of cracked ribs, but no major injuries.

Soon the Chamæleon was squealing in terror for the first time ever as the bull mastiff continued to rip and rend at it.


"Come to me, oh foul creature from Hell," chanted Magnolia McCready: "Come to me, within this iron cage."

For nearly ten minutes the calling seemed to be failing.


The Chamæleon managed to escape from Woof long enough to charge toward a terrified Lulu. But then suddenly stopped.

It started shrieking, in rage this time, as it started to disappear.

Woof charged at the creature, only to pass straight through where it had been as the Chamæleon completely vanished.

"What the aitch!" said Lulu, sitting up, trying not to cry from the pain of her cracked ribs.


"Come to me, oh foul creature from Hell," chanted Magnolia McCready again, startled when, with a whoosh, the empty steel-barred cage was suddenly filled by the Chamæleon.

"Holy shit!" said Terri, seeing the monster for the first time.

"Can I talk now?" asked Sheila.

"Yabber away," said Magnolia.

"So what do we do with it now?" asked Colin.

"That's for you to decide," said Magnolia. Holding out her right hand, she said: "Two hundred smackers, please."

"We're back to smackers," said Sheila: "Last time it was bucks."

As they talked, the Chamæleon started to change shape — first into a koala, then a wooden chair, then a flight of concrete steps, then a water buffalo.

"What's it doing now?" asked Terri: "Showing off."

"And where did it see a buffalo in Victoria?" asked Colin: "They're only in the Northern Territory."

"Maybe, like Hank Snow, he's been everywhere man," suggested Sheila.

"Actually, Geoff Mack, an Aussie, wrote and recorded, 'I've Been Everywhere Man' in 1959," said Colin: "Before Hank Snow, Johnny Cash, and Lucky Starr all had cover versions."

"And he calls me a wealth of useless information," teased Sheila.

"So how do we deal with Creepo there?" asked Terri.

"My advice is to have the R.A.A.F airlift it to the Marianas Trench with plenty of weights added to the cage so it will sink eleven thousand metres. That ought to keep it out of our hair."

"That means me ringing through to Russell Street and getting shouted at again, by the Assistant Commissioner of Police," complained Terri.

"Well, you are the top cop of the area," teased Sheila, getting glared at by her boss and friend.

THE END
© Copyright 2024 Philip Roberts
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia