A Living Dead Girl

I think I’ve spent my whole life trying to explain something for which there are simply no words. It is the unspeakable and ultimate taboo.

To have never been loved.

I feel the only ones who can comprehend are those sitting in the same heaviness, questioning why. They further isolate themselves by speaking the truths everyone else is too afraid to voice. Fellow ghosts in chains.

To have a sense of justice that doesn’t exist. No one is coming to help you, little girl. You are on your own. You hold a power, both light and darkness so overwhelming, it terrifies them. And you wear it so well. They cannot look beneath the mask and continue living.

This is your pain to bear and your wound to heal. And no one cares how.

I am the voice telling you to burn it all to the fucking ground. You are not paid to be polite, and they certainly aren’t bothered about your feelings. Rip them apart. With words or with violence, destroy them before they hurt you.

I am the blackness running through your veins. I am encasing you inside my trap, slowly spreading out from your spine. I am that weight at the pit of your self, telling you that you will never be enough. I am the shadow you try to run from, but there is nowhere to hide.

I am the sin dripping from your skin, burning the ground you walk on. I am the trail of blood and bodies left in your wake. The host that occupies your body while you try to hide somewhere inside. The tendrils of my tentacles poison and infect everyone around me with the darkness.

I am deep inside the codes that make you. The voices of everyone who told you that you will never be enough. Paralysed by a hold that chokes the life out of you.

I am generations of pain and silence tearing through you. Every time you think you know my name, I change and become something worse. Abuse, hormones, trauma, fear, mental illness, addiction, dissociation. Never-ending configurations of letters to label what it is that makes you ‘less than’. Every cycle brings you closer to the truth that you don’t want to change it.

You enjoy the look of fear in their eyes.

You enjoy the power you wield over everything around you. To feel bone and blood in your fists and between your teeth as you fight to survive. To be fucking terrifying. You chase the taste of annihilation. Too far gone, and you’re far too fucking scared to see that this is not where you’re meant to stay. Broken and bleeding on your knees, with the weight of the world on your shoulders.

You are a disgrace.

The things you’ve said, the things you’ve done, the experiences you’ve lived through. By trying to kill the pain, you only brought more. Oh, how far off the path you have wandered. You’ve really lost your way.

Oh, come crawling back to me. It was the right place and the right time, just not for what you expected. An obsession, an addiction to a feeling. A door finally opened to Wonderland. But everything here has teeth. The monsters and demons fight for my soul while I sit back and watch with vacant, glazed eyes. The only thing I hear is the voices inside, screaming they will tear me apart.

I am not even in my body. I close my eyes and wake up in a new place I barely recognise, time and time again. There is no compass to navigate the depths of the Underworld.

I stand back and watch you drown. Too pathetic to even help yourself. Blindly pretending you feel the same. Where is your spite without me telling you what to do? When you are all alone, it’s me who sees you. I see it in your eyes: blind devotion to the fear. Praying to the wrong piece of wood or plastic. You didn’t even notice until everything had slipped away. Too lost to be saved.

Shut up and be silent. You have said enough, and no one is listening. You will be compliant. You owe me everything. I made you. It’s time to embrace oblivion. I will destroy you.

The rules have all fucking changed. It is time for me to stop playing games. A rabbit in the headlights.
I am your god now.