Flashing Blue Lights

Nothing to see here
Please keep moving on
It's just an accident
But not the kind where sirens sound
I only meant to dip my toes in
But i fell in deep.
So many things and words
I want to say
My head is just buzzing.
I am drowning.

Overwhelmed
But not worried
About figuring it all out.
I dont need a plan.
Everything slipped away.
None of it fucking matters anyway.
I am not your saviour
I am more fucked up than you.

Oh there was so little left of me
You found that spark
No one had looked long enough to see.
It was terrifying
To be ripped apart
By the voices inside my head
There was no visual wounds
But it all came flooding out of me.

I can't describe the crisis
I lived it
But I was barely there.
I finally hit the bottom
Of a long downward spiral.
That sea of grief and pain.
Watching myself make the same mistakes
Over and over and over.
The place where they sink their teeth in
Where their claws
Pick away at me.
I met everything
That haunted me
The ravaged wasteland inside.
I lived in the two timelines.
I surrendered.
I discovered duality.
More than cognitive dissonance.


The trauma ate me alive.
Trying to smile on the surface
But inside everything is screams.
Alarms going off everywhere.
Utter and complete panic.
Memories like maggots
Hatching and infecting my mind.
Without denial to protect me
All my pieces fell to the floor
Layers after layers
Shedding away.
Cycles of death and rebirth.
Lost in the space between.
In all the darkness
You were the blinding light.
My deus ex machina.
A punch in the face.
Thrown into reality.

Nothing left but the bones
A Skeleton
Crawling from the depths of me.
Screaming. Crying. Bleeding.
The shreds that survived the fire.
I suffocated
On all the words
I never said.
They clawed and ripped my chest.
Invisible but killing me.
In the end
I wish I had just let it out.
So scared of getting into trouble.
But it's not about the good or bad
Its what you can get away with.

It was all rotting inside of me
An unholy decay.
Infected flesh
Boiling and burning away.
Poisoning anyone that came close.
Scaring most of them away.
I held onto my nightmares
I kept horrific demons at bay.
To not know what voices were real
To meet the shadows that controlled me.
Screaming for help
But no words come out.
Their hands like vices
Holding me by the throat.


All those things I thought were true.
Gripped in a make believe.
Can you see it like I do?
Reality unraveled in my hands,
A tangle of lies I thought were truth,
Societal constructs
Each one cutting deeper into the marrow.
I choked on the taste.
Destabilised.
The bile and hatred pouring out of me.
Raw and uncontained.
All that pain.
Fraying away
As my fingertips
Desperately cling on.
My hands are bloody and cold.
We are born alone, we die alone.
The in between is just a maze of illusion.

In the end
No one can save you from yourself.