BFF

'Hiya G and D. I thought I heard you rustle in.'
'I'd say gooood even-ning but there's nothing good about it.'
'The moon is shining. The owls are hooting. All's well with the world.'
'It's alright for you. You're still in the world. Here in the Otherworld the moon is too bright. It would hurt my eyes. If I had any. And don't mention the owls and their infernal screeching.'
'And if you had ears, they would be aching.'
'What did you say? Stop muttering. My ears hurt.'
'Are you stopping to haunt for a bit? I was just making a cuppa...'
'You don't know what it's like. The ectoplasm in my right leg has got the vapours, I think I've got transmorphosis. It could spread. I could die.'
'You're dead already. You can't be deader. Doornails have more life than you.'
'Ooooooo. It could be wooooorse. See? Nowwwww I've got all the symptoms of the how-wow-wol-ling ab-dabs.'
'Fatal every time, I suppose?'
'I'd become a wraith of myself. Bits would float off into the ether.'
'Less is more. I'd have to call you G, or maybe D.'
'G? D?'
'Gloom and Doom. It fits you perfectly. My bestie. The Gloom and Doom remains of Isabel Young who fell asleep aged 94.'
'I nearly made it to 95. And I didn't 'fall asleep'. As you well know. I told you I didn't feel well and all you did was bring me a cup of cocoa.'
'With a little something in it to help you sleep.'
'Don't interrupt. As I was saying: a cup of hot chocolate with something in it. It gave me horeeeeendooooous acid reflux. Do you know what it's like to die of indigestion? Of course you don't. Now I suffer every night, my innards are turning to my outtards, and burning me up. I'm going to be a fire demon. How would you like that, missy?'
'Last night it was an ice fiend. And the night before that you thought that a poltergeist bug was going to swap your arms and legs. All that happened was that the axe fell out of your head.'
'I liked my axe. It gave me a sort of jaunty air.'
'Huh. It gave you phantom migraines and the ecto-plasma would have dripped in your eye. If you had one.'
'I may only have bony sockets but they're good enough to see you. And at least I still have all my teeth. And they're as white as ever.'
'I say, I say, I say! My ghost has no nose! How does it smell then? Terrible!'
'Excruciatingly funny. It makes my humerus ache. Both of them. See?'
'Don't bang your bones at me. I had enough of that when you were alive.'
'Just because you poisoned me and tried to chop me up doesn't give you the right to be nasty to me.'
'And just because you're still a miserable old wotsit doesn't give you the right to haunt me. I'm dead too.'