sorta went a little something like this

Hey God? Or whoever the fuck is out there. Sorry about the "fuck". If those kinda words offend you. Maybe you're cool with it, I dunno. I dunno much. I don't know if you exist, if you're just like, fuck it, I created you'll do what you want for the rest of your lives, I dunno. There's a whole lotta "I don't know" for me. You probably picked up on that. 'Cause you're like all-knowing, all-seeing, omnipresent, you're everywhere, and I'm just here in the middle of a field drinking Rebel Yell and smoking bidis, trying to be OK with everything. But this is like the first time I've ever attempted to converse with you. 'Cuz you know me, I question many things; I'm essentially a cynic or a skeptic, whatever you wanna call me... I've read the bible a couple of times, and don't get me wrong, it's brilliant. Whoever wrote it, forget about it, they were geniuses. But there's always that little part of me that says it was a political tool, OK, let's be honest. It was commissioned. Some King, Pharaoh, who the fuck knows, commissioned a bunch of guys; maybe they were rabbis, maybe they were just a bunch of guys who knew how to spell, and they collaborated on this magnificent piece of propaganda. Before you know it, people started believing those little stories. It had to have been a brilliant marketing campaign. But what do I know? I'm merely speculating. By the way, full disclosure, I did take my Prozac this morning, so, chemically speaking, I should be reasonably well-balanced, so you don't have to worry about any of that shit about me being whacky whack... which reminds me. I need another drink. [sips from the bottle of Rebel Yell. Puts the bottle down, reaches into his pocket, retrieves a bidi from the pack and a lighter from another pocket and lights the bidi, takes a hit, exhales, and also sighs a little bit before he resumes his conversation] So... I forgot what the fuck I was gonna say...Hope I'm not saying too many "fucks". I figure the way you operate is a lot like the credit bureaus. You raise and lower our scores based on how well we manage our life's accounts...and at the end of our lives, we get a God score, and we either qualify for a home in Heaven or Hell... or if we're sort of on the borderline, we move to Purgatory... Pretty sure at this point I've defaulted on everything you've loaned me, so I expect to begin receiving those calls from your collectors any day now. [pause, then suddenly a great idea] You know what I think would really improve the process? If you'd meet with us once a year, let us know how we're doing instead of making us wait 70, 80, or 90 years to see if we're on your naughty or nice list. No offense, Sir, but the whole thing sounds like we're all trying to bring down the house at a Vegas casino. The odds are pretty much stacked against us. I mean, I know you sorta kinda left us instructions on how to conduct ourselves, if you really buy into that philosophy, so, according to You, we're supposed to have some sort of idea of how we're doing as we go along, but, man, I don't know... when I look at those commandments, you know, the Ten Commandments, which by the way was a terrific movie. I don't know if You had anything to do with it. Charlton Heston, a brilliant fucking stroke of casting. I felt the same way about Ben-Hur. I don't know; he has this very manly thing going on. He was clearly working out and lifting weights and looked very strong. Had nice pecs. They weren't sagging like mine. Had that face, the square jaw, the whole thing. Anyway. Not sure if Moses looked anything like Charlton Heston, but for this discussion, let's assume he did... I say all that to say I recently went on Wikipedia to review those Commandments, and I pretty much decided I'm fucked. Think I broke every one of them except the one about killing. Wondering about the adultery one, though, cuz I've never been married. But I guess if you cheat, you cheat, whether you're married or not, right? I'm sure You put some sort of clause or provision in those commandments about shit like that. I'm not a biblical scholar, so... I don't have a theological leg to stand on... [reflecting] Oh, God. Life! It's a weird thing, man. It's a weird thing. It's like as soon as I became aware... there's that moment in your life... it's different for everyone... I was probably in my early twenties when I really felt that moment... that's when I became very dark...very glass half-empty... I just started looking around...looking at the world... the people... governments... jobs... natural resources... money... food... it's like I suddenly got very depressed... [snaps his fingers] like, instantly... and then on New Year's Day, I was channel surfing... I switched to the Syfy channel... The Twilight Zone was on. They were doing a 3-day marathon. I watched every single fucking episode. Drank a lot of whiskeys, smoked a lot of dope, ate a lot of chips and guacamole... and came away from that experience, and it was a challenging experience... I came to understand that Rod Serling was absolutely right when he said... "It may be said with a degree of assurance that not everything that meets the eye is as it appears." [raises the bottle] Amen, Rod. Here's to always unlock "a door with a key of imagination; beyond it is another dimension, a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas; you've just crossed into The Twilight Zone." [suddenly sees something in the sky] Whoa! What the fuck was that? [pauses, watches, examines the sky] What the fuck?