Chapter 20

Well I realize I have lost myself with my thoughts and it is
time for me to get a move on so I can get out of here. I do
my ritual and head out the door, much more awake and energetic
compared to when I woke up. My mind flashes back to Warren
when I see the rental car, son of a bitch. Well I have to
make some decisions by the time I come home tonight I can't
put it off any longer, I mean it is Thursday. With a huge
sigh and another random curse word I open the door and slide
into the car.
On the way to work I take notice that today there are a lot of
commercials on the radio. Of course because I was really
hoping for another morning like yesterday where I would hear
some of my favorite songs. I realize that won’t be happening
this morning as I only hear one good song that makes me crank
up the car radio as loud as it can go. The song ends just in
time, as I pull into the parking lot and find a parking space.
Wow, I am wondering why this morning there a lot of parking
places so close to the door than what there usually are. I am
hoping that there are just a lot of employees from the plant
that are off, and that I didn’t miss something. I stop to
think and confirm that it is not a holiday and convince myself
that I am not a complete moron that I wouldn’t know that it
was a holiday. I say in my mind that it is only October and
the only holiday is Halloween and we don't have off for
Halloween. Plus it isn't the end of October we are only in
the second week.
I walk into the office and think another day another dollar.
Well in my case more like another day another .25 cents, I
mean come on my paycheck is almost always completely gone
before I get it. I have such a hard time putting anything
into a savings account to try and save up a couple bucks, not
with my bills and my income. But at least I have all the
neccessities a person needs with a little play money here and
there to spend on things that I want. The important thing is
that I have money coming in to pay for the things that me and
Brandi need, and I thank God for that because there are plenty
of people out there that can't say that.

I get to my desk and start my day, still tossing Warren around
in my head. I have not yet completely made up my mind, but I
am leaning towards telling him I am free. Last night I had a
dream about him, and it was a good one. I see us being in a
relationship, and we were good together. We seemed happy and
it looked like we were living together. I am thinking that
maybe that is a sign that I should pursue this and not be a
bitch. Just by the off chance that he is serious and is
interested in me. I quickly change that thought in my mind
before the bully starts with his two cents.
I think to myself I mean it has been a while since I walked on
the edge and took a chance with a guy. I mean what is the
worst that can happen? The same fucking shit that has
happened in the past, I will just try and brush it off if that
is the case and say to the enemy well again you were right,
that I am one fucking stupid cunt, who is useless and pathetic
and thinks that any half decent guy would want her.
But I continue to think that this can possibly turn out
differently. I mean I didn’t just randomly meet him online
and meet up with him to fuck him. He ran into me and it was
his actions that brought us together. I didn’t pick him, he
picked me, so maybe this is fate and can turn out to be a
positive experience. I can only hope, but don’t allow myself
any more time for wishful thinking. I still must try and put
up that barrier to protect what little I have left of myself.
I turn my attention back to work as I go to punch in. It’s
another day I think let’s not think about Warren until later
when I know I must make my final decision and I just hope it
will be the right choice and that I won’t be reliving any of
my horrible past experiences any time soon.