Write it down.

I don't know what I want to write, but I know I have something to get out on paper. This has always been my way. I was trying and forcing myself to really buckle down and write. I think that may be my problem, if I'm honest. Maybe I just need to let things be imperfect in the moment. Not everything needs to serve as a huge plot point or crazy twist while you're hanging off a cliff at the end of my chapter. I don't think I can really write like that; I don't think I ever could. I'm not an emotional person, not really. So trying to write any type of emotion into reality doesn't work. I still want to make you feel something, though; I just don't know how. My wife says my whole life, well, most of it, has just been one tragic thing after another. Therefore, I've closed off most of my emotions to the general public. This means my future readers. That is not good. I'm sure you're all aware of this. So how do I evoke emotions that I don't know how to really feel? How do I make you feel what my characters feel for everyone and everything around them? I've tried writing about my life, but it's boring. Your mind will wander to what you're having for lunch before you pass the first page. Trama isn't page-turning when you remember that everyone has their own and you're not special just because you "had a rough go of it." I've tried to write from a stranger's perspective, but that turns out to be a giant waste of time with more plot holes than periods. I don't know or understand how other people navigate the world or what that little voice inside their heads wants from them. I can't make decisions for my characters because I don't know who they would be without the trama I'm forcing onto them for the sake of you to keep reading. This makes no sense, as my characters are fictional. Funny, isn't it? I can't make up a random person and have their life go terribly wrong because I'd feel bad. You know, I was one of those kids who would pick out the last of any toy just because I didn't want it to be alone. It didn't matter if I even liked whatever it was. I would scour the aisle at the dollar store looking for something as lonely as me, and I would be their savior. Queen for the hour. I couldn't even let a toy feel like it was unwanted or unloved. So how could I possibly put a fictional person through something they may never recover from? How do I write a riveting page turner if I keep making everything okay in the next chapter? Life is hard; you and I both know that. Why should I have the power to move someone to the point of tears or heartache with some words strung together in just the perfect way? That's an incredible hold to have over you. I don't want that power, I don't think. I want to write, though. I just know I have something to get out on paper. I don't know what I want to write.