Firefly

"it was night when you died, my firefly" - Fourth of July, Sufjan Stevens

Nobody ever expects the phone call, I did tho, just not so soon. You were gone in the blink of an eye at 1:28 in the morning on a Sunday in early October.

I always wonder if you had passed peacefully like one would in their sleep or of old age, or if it was rough and hard and painful like you had always wanted for yourself. If you had said goodbye to anybody, left a note or a text maybe? or if you had just left them wondering like you did me.

I never bothered to find out why you did it or ask how, or who found you for that matter because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the answer.

I wish you could have seen how loved you were, because maybe then you could have waited a little longer. it was bound to happen sooner or later, I just wish I could have said goodbye, watched you shy away from the last picture we had taken together or laughed so hard you snorted. Some closure would have been nice but I know you're always with me, that's the funny thing. I feel the need for closure when in reality you're never really gone.

I was sitting at my window sill tonight, thinking of you of course, how could I not?

A firefly came and sat with me, I tried to get a picture but it shied away.

You never did like pictures did you?