A tale of life in it's final moments

Pain was the thing I had been longing for my entire pathetic existence not the bad pain but the pain that made you feel better. Sitting in the empty bath with all my clothes on my sleeves rolled up to my elbows used as a barricade the coldness of the metal pressing against my skin begging to be pushed in, that control I had and also at the same time didn't that made me feel so alive and dead it was truly the best feeling ever. I would never admit this to anyone but sitting here in the bath with no future in front of me only the past repeating itself made me feel somewhat comfortable even though my past contained nothing but bad pains and sadness. But I had decided whilst pressing the metal against my skin that things would be different this time that I would be smarter. My future was just to frightening when my past was predictable and controlable witch the future wasn't, I didn't blame it but in some way I did. The metal left red stripes behind. The red stripes sting horribly and just for a few seconds I so desperately beg myself to stop but I can't I just can't. It needs to be done. So another red line appears, a small drop has made its way away from the red line and is sliding down my arm on its way to the bath. It splashes on the bottom of the bath and is in sharp contrast to the clean witness of the bottom from the bath. It looks somewhat funny but then another red drop joins the previous one on the bottom and my attention goes back to my arm. Looking at my arm that now is a canvas of my own mind a sort of regret starts washing over me almost making me run downstairs to scream for help, but just before I do so something holds me back a voice telling me that never in a million years I deserve help so sit back and watch the blood. The metal slips from between my fingers. I look at it almost helplessly with a loud thud as it falls on the bottom of the bath joining the little drops of blood that have started rhythmically falling on the bottom of the white bath. I look at the droplets and the metal that is getting redder with the second. Black spots start appearing in the bottom of my eyes but i'm not afraid of them instead I welcome them in. I embrace the darkness coming closer and closer. My end is near and it feels like I finally can enjoy my life at least what's left of it. Whilst sliding down to ground a sudden fear concours my heart and makes it beat so much faster, my breath quickens as my mind swiftly tries searching for a way to life only it doesn't and it never will because it was to late, it would have never won against time because the clock started ticking before i was even born. At last my brain gives together with my heart and lungs who have served me well in this short lifespan, that I don't regret a minute of yet I ended it. Am i stupid , selfish,.. I can't tell anymore because I'm finally dead, free if you will.