There's Been A Murder!

Reel One: The Faker

DETECTIVE and CANDY BARR

DETECTIVE: "Talk. What happened to the missing hundred grand, Barr?"
BARR: "Whaddaya think, copper? I ate it?"
DETECTIVE: "Don't play cute. We know the loan sharks were puttin' the bite on you. We know you're not as sweet as you seem. We know you've been hangin' around with Simian's uncle Harry Apermann. You knew that Gunn had been fired, AND we have a witless from the city council who can place you within blocks of the brickyard at the time Sharpe knifed the watchman. We know your lust bunny was just playin' Dumbo when we questioned him at the theater. We know everything, Barr! The way you realized that Ben Wa was relaxing, his balls finally quieted at the bowling alley! We know that Prince Easton Chow was the only person who stood between you and a fortune cookie fortune! Since Chow was paralyzed, you knew he wouldn't be able to stand up to you! Chow's main concern to you was the way he used his noodle and discovered the slippery way you were able to enter his shoe closet and walk out with his priceless collection of chews. Only a smokeless tobacco expert like you would have known the precise colour of dental stains made by Latte-kia tobacco. Only you could have known that Pvt. Lee Enlove was away at The Anchor, getting drunk with the object of his affectations, a statue of Nina Sevenson, a cute little number from Calculutta on the Old Abacas coast.
And that's when you put your plane into motion! First, you flew to the airport in your cinnamon Rolls Royce convertible. Unbeknownst to you, the ragged top was down and wouldn't close. That's why you were soaking wet when you arrived at Byrde's aviary. It had nothing at all to do with Phil Meigood sticking his fingers into your muff. Oh, certainly he managed to secretly slip the watch off your wrist, but it was your icy chair that sent goose bumps shivering down your spineless back! It was you who hatched the plan to steal the hen-egg sized pearl known as the "Blind Eye of the All-seeing Goddess-Wife of Luh-ki the Unfortunate." Unfortunately, before you were able to tell your partners about the name of the pearl, they all shot themselves out of desperate boredom. This was a major reversal in your plan, so you needed a backup plan. You forged ahead with your secondary plan to take over several primary schools and use the students as slave labour to make illegal horseshoes. It was a dastardly plan! But you muttered about it to the wrong people. Disaster was bound to happen. So when the ship sank, neither David Disaster nor Henry Happen was able to escape. Both were found in the wreckage of the cargo plane, still tied together and holding each other tightly in the hold of the ship. It was a clever plan, Amelia! But you made more than one mistake. First, you lost your head when you watched those revolutionary re-enactments of executions from the French Revolution. Then, you ate French's yellow mustard on your French toast Italian beef pizza before French kissing the French ambassador's French Poodle. In plain English, Camelia, you are a scandalous dog! And a dogless scandal, too! It was on your orders that the Seargent of Arms catapulted your healthless Mexican Hairless across the gully at the attacking Great Danes of Denmark, breaking the Seargent of Legs' arm in the process. His was a fine and worthy rifle, too! It was all that King A-la The Chicken required to justify stewing the last remaining Etons. The king's forces killed every last man, woman, and little dumpling in the village! Shameful!! All were simply buried in a mess grave along with remnants of gravy and gingham tablecloths.
         Your plan was nearly foolproof! But this town has the most foolish fool of any town except Washington D.C. He saw through your flimsy nightie and your evil plan, and what he saw sickened him! Ohh, yes! He recognized elegant genius in your plan, but all else sickened him!"
BARR: "Stop!! I know the fool to whom you refer! Only one fool in the world could solve these riddles and make jokes of it all, too! It must be..."
DETECTIVE: "None other. Humble Poet."
BARR: "Oh my god! Then, he's been onto me all along!"

[There was a pregnant pause, as Candy Barr reeled with realization as a lead-in to the second reel.]