Letter to Granny #1

Hi Granny,

Granny, even though I have found this new “enlightenment”, this positive thinking no matter what mentality, I can say that this hurts. I know, it's only been a few hours, and one could say I am being dramatic. However, I, being the emotional disco ball that I am, have honestly declared that this is in fact the last time that I will deal with men. I can't lower my standards because that just ends up hurting us both. I can't raise my standards because those men are either married or in Heaven. So what do I do? Do I suffer another heartache just to say “maybe next time kid”? Can my positive ass stay positive as I deal with heartbreak after heartbreak? Can I hold on to the dreams that I keep deep down within me? Should I even hold onto those dreams?

Honestly, it used to feel good to dream. To wake up to hope in something amazing to come. I would try to remember as many pieces of it as I could. I would replay them in my mind over and over throughout the day, memorizing the feeling that each one gave me. One gave me a kind of love I had never felt before. One gave me direction and guidance. One just covered me with peace and joy. But now I don't dream anymore. It's hard to hold onto the memories. Not like I want to want to remember this, but the good stuff. The stuff that gave me hope. My heart aches for those dreams. The light before I chose darkness. Now I am not in charge, and darkness chooses for me. So, dreams don't come. And hope dissipates. And I scramble to hold onto some of my dreams. And, I take what I can. And that breaks me little by little. But, what's a girl to do, right?

Sorry if I got off track Granny, its been a long week and my heart feels a little heavy today. Anyway, I love you deeply! Tell God to help his daughter out, please :)

All the best

A.C.