just thoughts

PRE THOUGHT - IF YOU WANT YOU CAN DENY ALL,( LIKE YOU DENIED GAGANDEEP ANOTHER NUMBER SAYING IT WAS SANDEEP MAHAJAN 'S MAMAJI) ANY OF IT HAPPENED BUT WHO WILL FIGHT YOUR CONSCIENCE.

I was Stood on the doorway of the kitchen about to enter to ask if my help was required, instead I heard something which froze me with unaccountable hurt " yehi hai who jiska Anshul ke saath tha, " said by a very close friend whom me and my husband considered family. And the reply of that comment gave me a momentary releif not realizing it was outright degrading for me or any girl and especially when it was said by another woman. Let me quote that "Anshul ka taste aisa nahi hai".

I forgot to mention we were invited by the this couple for dinner since we were newly married and it's a tradition/courtesy, and since our best friend was close to them and us he was included too.

This was during the first weeks of our marriage.

Anyhow at that moment, I maintained my composure as much as I could without crying. But that night I came home and cried my heart out silently, as I usually do silentlywithout telling anyone why I am hurt. And kept on wondering why would he think that about me, why didn't he speak to me or talk to us or ask me about it, instead of talking about it to others. And the bigger question was who told him this stupid lie or he fabricated it himself, thinking about this my thoughts moved back to 2000 when we all had passed out and were scattered around the country for newly acquired jobs. Vinit(he is the one I dated and married), me and a bunch of other friends decided to stay back in Hyderabad where we cleared our professional college and continued to work there with the jobs they were offered during campus intereview.

By mid of 2001 being unsatisfied in his job Vinit decided to leave it and after 2-3 months he shifted to Delhi unwillingly where the job market was bigger. He was coaxed by me to leave for his better future and I promised I will follow once he is settled. Did I forget mentioning my career was flourishing much much better than I had expected initially. I was making new contacts, knowing lots of people professionally. It was a very fullfilling and natural high which I still yearn for. So this is how I have a strong connection with Hyderabad.

So, when he left he specifically brought his 2(one senior and one juniour) friends from the same college and his hometown saying , these are my brothers you will take care of them. So they would come eat what I used to cook. But one fine just after a month or two when Vinit left they come for dinner and say "Gullu chodd na Vinit ko, zindagi jee, life main mazze le, bahut ladke hain". That time I just stared in their face and wondered and this is what he were his brothers. At that moment I controlled myself but called Vinit up the next day and told him the entire narative and stopped talking to them and avoiding them. Vinit consented on that.

And it is from there few weird things started happening. Like me getting call on cyber shop landline saying weird and sometimes derogatory stuff. I wondered how did they know I was at cybershop. It was mainly used by us niftians. Someone was doing that purposely to malign me.

I was loosing all my confidence & balance. And the only way I found to restore it was mingling with the juniour so after work I would visit almost everyone girls and boys near to where I stayed, and it did help, I will always be thankful to them. And it was during that time that Anshul started sending jokes on my phone which I used to reciprocate to with laughter or what courtesy demanded, untill he sent me something which mentioned orgasm and I didn't reply to that message. And this happened in 3-4 days, prior to that I never spoke with him not even a Hi. It is then when I realized for few men morality or loyalty(towards your friend) means nothing. They just need to pounce on girls who a vulnerable or seem to be one. Whether they are committed in a serious relationship or not it doesn't matter to them. So I want to tell all those women who have similar thoughts to what I have mentioned above, before you degrade any woman just know what kind of beast is lurking within your house.

And the worse part was all this was done when Vinit was not there and that is where I judge your character and your motives.

This is where I stopped laughing from my heart and it diminished over the years.

All these episodes there shattered my trust wall to the ground about people who say they wish you well, but actually are digging a well for you.

While thinking all this And my thoughts moved back to the same day wer were coming back after dinner, our friend was in the same car and out of nowhere he said "pateele main kadchi" later on I knew what that meant since I asked Vinit. I just want to ask him(our dear and closest friend) now would he have said the same thing if it was her daughter or sister.

From that day I heard every bitter remarks he passed on in front of me. I just want to tell him that I remember every little word he said and everything you both did, but does he?

And no it will not matter to such people, no matter how much I say that except Vinit there was no one. Wondering what have I done to him or them for such hatred.

I want to ask you something why is it that there's always another person you don't like, who's the monster while the others you try to hide and save. Or is it that bad is what/who you decide, and not the one who does it.

While you yourself have these "AWESOME" thoughts & deeds about all the others, and you continuously hurt others. But when the other reciprocates a little you can't gulp the fact that you can be wrong too, or infact you were a part of that wrong doing.

You know what we joke, we joke a lot about ourselves and people we know or do not know. But we never become a part of some conspiracy or never let them down in front of others. If someone has to say anything bad abt our friends either we avoid the topic or rightaway refute it or if we have any doubts we cross check. But we never publicly degrade our friends or make fun of them, especially behind their back.