The love I need

Why do I feel like sick my own mother and brother, why do I feel like the outcast. I would want a mother that doesn't drink or do drugs. I would want a mother who doesn't look at me with disgust that would tell me to a good job when I did something at work or in school not look for every little thing that wrong when I have time to myself and enjoying my time. A mother who would not blame me for everything wrong in her life and not curse me out when she feels, she could just treat me like I'm not human. My brother does what he can but he expects me to be like him he expects me to be a copy of him I can't. My brother says he loves but the number of times he put his anger out on me It's hard to remember the rough hands punching me telling me its love to tough up the hits to the face, the chest, the back, the yelling at me the shouts the number of tears I cried begging him to stop. I tell myself it loves and its how brothers are but is there not a limit to what someone can take the amount of pain before someone says I hate you for what you did to me the times I went to sleep scared from both my mother and brother hearing that death would be a better than living with me I know I'm not perfect but I always feel and be shit from the way I see