The New Van

The New Van
By John Alexander Gallin
PJ needed a new job. He just got too old for even more school. PJ wanted a charity related job. He found one on The Internet. The Lionheart Foundation. The giant charity office downtown. He signed up for everything. Without reading it.
PJ was in the reception area of The Lionheart Foundation. Everything was weird. A blue horse wizard and a red dog archaeologist were politely debating philosophy. A kitsune and a werewolf were playing chess while laughing. A hive mind of nine identical hermaphrodite tigers were drinking coffee in perfect harmony. The receptionist was a jackalope woman. Wearing an American flag print dress.
"Professor Lionheart will see you now" she said "in the garage. next basement over". She motioned towards an industrial stairway. PJ felt out of place as a very small yellow and brown cat.
PJ felt very nervous. He went down the angular industrial stairs. Into a garage. There were weird obsolete wrenches. Blatantly toxic and explosive oils. Technical manuals from decades ago. And Professor Lionheart.
PJ had heard of Professor Lionheart on the news. He had read rumours on The Internet. Professor Lionheart had invented transformation. And had became the richest person in The Multiverse. The year after he devoted and dedicated his entire life to charity. Half the people in the reception lobby were transformed thanks to him. The other half were born that way. By now it was impossible to tell which was which.
Professor Lionheart was a white lion. With a black mane. Eyes the colour of molten gold. And he never wore pants. It was impossible to find any that fit his manliness.
"Thank you for volunteering so much. PJ. It means a lot to everyone" Professor Lionheart had the arrogant politeness of a billionaire with a PhD.
"The honour is mine sir. And I need a job" PJ was extremely anxious.
"Good. We can get you a job. Full benefits. Insurance. Free room and board" Professor Lionheart extended his hand.
PJ shook Lionheart's hand. And felt so weird.
"I can't believe someone agreed to that. It was car insurance. You filled out car insurance. Disguised as an employment agreement". Said the professor.
PJ tried to talk. But only car noises came out.
"Fastest inanimate transformation yet. You're good at this. You might want to take off your clothes. I wonder what kind of vehicle you become? I hope I don't have to drive you to the junkyard" Professor Lionheart violently stripped PJ. And put him on all fours.
PJ found it harder and harder to resist. His hands and feet turned rubbery. And round. He was now totally naked. And more and more aroused by the second.
"I make all my transformations pleasurable. So that people don't even want to resist them. And even if they turn back they return for more" Professor Lionhear examined PJ.
PJ felt something strange between his legs. An exhaust pipe. And a completely different species of plumbing. He found himself thinking of pollution control.
"I suppose I can tell you. I do this to all my business rivals. Everyone who threatens to compete. All those weird statues. Lifesaving pooltoys. Hospital therapy plushes. They're a lot happier now." Professor Lionheart kept watching. Just to make sure everything went right.
PJ felt his fur turn metallic. His arms and legs shift into wheels. His facial features stop expressing anything. He no longer mentally resisted.
"I needed a charity vehicle. Something very cheap. Stuff like hauling medical supplies. And transporting small numbers of elite charity workers. Some idiot actually applied. Filled out the insurance paperwork" Professor Lionheart waited. Nothing else to do.
PJ started growing bumpers. Headlights. Turn signals. He felt stuff form inside of him. Cheap yet comfortable seats. And a key. Every fluid in his body changed to different kinds of oil and gas.
"Apparently you're becoming some kind of commercial van. Not my first choice. But good enough. At least I won't have to scrap you for parts." Professor Lionheart read the corporate logos. and both PATIH license plates.
PJ was now a commercial moving van. With the tiniest bits of meat in it. The transformation viewed those parts as damage to the van. And kept correcting them.
PJ found his mind get simpler and simpler. He found himself thinking of oil temperature. Air conditioning. A GPS. Multiple forms of radio. He vaguely remembered a factory. The next city over.
The transformation was complete. PJ was a van.
"Okay. This is good enough. I will have the receptionist take you on a test drive. And donate all your stuff. You're a big van. And that's what you're for" Professor Lionheart grabbed the key.
The van didn't think or feel. It was a van.