head under water

with your head under water, you hear your heart beat, its slow and soothing. you hear the muffled music, you want to cry but your body won't let you. you hold your breath, with your eyes closed, listening to the sounds all around you. you want to stay there, in that peaceful moment, forever. but you know you can't. you stay under water for as long as you can, trying to get to the point where your heart stops working. but your body fights back and you can't stay under any longer. you fly up, breathing heavily as if you just ran a 5K marathon. you cough and cough, and suddenly the tears start. you sit there, curled up into a ball with your head resting on your knees. and your body lets everything out. you cry, you scream, you sob as much as you can. and all of the sudden, with the music still going, you stop. and the only noise you can hear is the calming music you played in the background. you look at the note next to the tub, water spilled on it, ink running down the paper as if its in a race. you don't move. you don't get out. you stay there, staring at the note you planned to leave. you lean back. your head goes under water again. and you're back to where you started.