Life Revamped

Once in my life, the life that seems like a million years ago, I made a rather rash decision and changed everything about my world. I didn't give it a lot of thought and I definitely didn't give it the proper amount of effort before calling it a bust. I just ran away, quite literally. Truth is, I have done that twice in my life. Basically picked up with almost nothing and started over. The first time I did it, it was so needed and I am so incredibly proud of that girl to have the courage to leave. I don't know if the woman I am today would have had the same courage and thoughts of what my life would be if I hadn't left haunt my dreams still. The second time, I was running because I was far too young to be in the situation I was in and lacked the maturity to understand what a marriage and real-life relationship took to work, much less a military wife's job.

Today I had a colposcopy. I didn't even know what that was a few weeks ago definitely never thought I would be facing the medical issues that could warrant a negative result of this biopsy. Chances are its nothing more than me having HPV, however, there is a possibility of precancerous cells being detected. My aunt died of ovarian cancer, my grandmother has breast cancer and I am scared shitless of the thought of battling any illness remotely similar to those, or any illness at all.

It will be a few weeks before I know my results and I will probably worry constantly until then. But the last few months have made me think about my old life and my current life and contrast those with the life I want in my future.

I used to be so certain of what I wanted and didn't want. But maybe that "certainty" is what has lead me to maybe throw away some really good relationships. So now I am admitting that I am not certain at all. I don't know what I want or how to get it. I don't know what my future holds. I guess all I do know what I am going to do now.

I have been "decided" for almost a year that I was leaving my husband. That is insane. He is with a ton of flaws and the way we interact on a day to day basis leaves me wanting to scream and pull my hair out. He has issues and refuses to work on the ones I think are most important. He is hateful and negative and very repressive. But he loves me so much that I know it hurts him to think about me being gone. He is a wonderful father; our daughter and him adore each other on a level I could have never imagined. And at the end of the day, we will never do without. We have never been without food on the table or a wonderful place to live. He does all he can to make me and her happy and give us everything financially he can. I think that is his way of showing how much we mean to him. He provides for us and comes home every single night. He is devoted and steadfast. I will never have to worry if he will stick by me during a tough time.

And when you look at those traits, how could I ever think I would find something more? Truth is... I am lucky. And it is about time I start acting like it.

So here is to appreciating what you have, never thinking about what you don't, and forgetting about what you lost.