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Rated: E · Short Story · Comedy · #2144762
A story about people, non people, and some weird stuff in between.
Chapter one: One tricky seat.

It all began on a mountain top. Well, it looked like a mountain top at least, but it was not certain, it could have easily been a large hill. A battle had occurred for quite a while, a battle between good and wicked, or evil and wicked, or wicked and wicked. It was a mess, it was rather unclear who actually was fighting who, so it was mostly a formality that it would be labeled as a war between any specific faction, it looked better in the books. You see, as this all took place on a mountain top, it was quite foggy, and none of the factions had especially good fog vision. This begs the question why they would battle to the death on a foggy mountain (Or possibly a tall hill). They supposedly did not quite know this either, which made the whole ordeal quite a difficult task. None of the participants were certain about their motives, which essentially led to very much pondering and very little actual fighting. Now you may ask, why were they fighting in the first place? Well, it is something philosophers from the different factions thought about long and hard, and quite honestly never really knew. They supposed it would be amusing, and would somehow be profitable in the future, that was the general bureaucrat consensus at least.

”Any questions?” the class simply stared blankly, and was likely very much passed out by the time the final word was said.
This was standard occurrence in the intergalactic philosophic university for betterment of understanding and all things good to know, ”IPUBUATGK 2-4^z - Room 5,3”.

The lectures on philosophical historical facts and plausible theories on situations potentially existing in a range of multiverses, or LPHFPTSPERM, which could last anything from a few hours to a few weeks. Were uninterrupted lectures which no one in the audience really did attend voluntarily. This fact made merely attending a monumental gamble, since they would not let anyone out until the lecture was finished, following protocol 3,4^223 - §10^334 in the manual for general rules and regulations in the intergalactic school world. This manual was also in common mouth called ”Reason 1232^1432 why bureaucrats should never be allowed to write anything potentially affecting the sanity of any species.”
The irony was that this list was made by a hard working bureaucrat firm, especially aimed towards complaints about other bureaucratic factions.

The whole thing became a general issue for everyone when the incredibly slow works of the bureaucratic factions were put against each other, in attempts to slander each other in the most bureaucratic way possible. By bending rules creating a slightly less favourable work environment for the other factions, which in turn caused a never ending spiral of ineffective attempts at retribution (obviously following every imaginable protocol in current existence, and some more that were made up for the occasion), which essentially put the entire intergalactic bureaucratic field to a complete standstill.

This travesty caused something so horrible that it sparked contempt in any being capable of expressing such emotion, and probably in some that were not. Bureaucrats decided to involve themselves in the life of normal people, mostly out of lack of anything better to do.

Remidus Anxosin Viokl Endori, or Rave as he was also called, professor in theoretical historical multiverse philosophy closed the 34 thousad page lecture notes and strode happily from the lecture. He was feeling especially good about himself having sucessfully put all participants to what could essentially be described as a sleep very similat ro a comaqa within ten minutes, which meant he could present the remaining 95 days of the lcture undisturbed. It was a new personal best, which would make the rest of the lecturers quite envious.

Rave swiftly glanced towards the statistics board outside the lecture area, and was pleasantly surprised that his presentation was on the millisecond on schedual. The casualties were fewer that he would have expected too.

There were actually only a handfull beings in the known universe who could stand an entire lecture of this kind (excluding the lecturers themselves), including some of which had no brains or conciousness to begin with.
One of the more interesting specimens capable of standing an entire lecture was a sentient cloud hivemind made from many now hyper intelligent mushroom spores called simply Brutus. A being capable of projecting their conciousness somewhere else, which was exactly what it did. People were unsure where exactly, but it was most likely projected at one of the many intergalactic beaches, where it would be solving complex math problems or befriending the local wildlife. This was frowned upon by the university, and it was accused for cheating the system several times. It could never be proven, mainly because it was quite difficult to lie detector brain scan something which essentially lacked a brain.

The university complex was quite small, mainly due to how despised the subject matter they were interested in was. It could be considered beurocratic activities, which were generally shunned by anyone who ever happened to come in contact with them.

Rave himself was a peculiar lifeform - he had two arms two legs one head, and was slightly green. His interests consisted mainly of lecturing topics no one wanted to hear, and he was amused by traveling in his scarce spare time. His usual destination were to a prison planet, where he would "entertain the prisoners" by talking for hours. A very effective torture method according to statiatics.
He also liked to go to planets in early development and study them.



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