My Life Story

I am Katya Sutyagina. This is my story. I was given up as a baby. My mama kept me for two months than gave me up for a adoption. When you are in a Russian orphanage you don't get cared for, you are left in a cradle to cry and sleep and poop and pee. When you need your diaper changed and you cry, no one comes. When you are hungry and want to eat you cry, and no one comes. When they do come they don't comfort you, they sit you up and prop the bottle in your mouth and feed you, then move on to the next baby. When you are sick in the orphanage you are on your own, most babies don't make it out alive. I was sick as well, I had rickets and ear infections Along with several other health conditions. The nurses don't care, they do the minimum and move on.

I was bullied all the time in school, even to this day. I was a self harmer for 7 long years and an anorexic for about 6 years. I developed that because of my abusive ex boyfriend. My ex boyfriend; he lied to me that he was Russian and he was verbally abusive. It started off small just saying he didn't like the clothes I was wearing, me looking stupid, he started checking my phone and asking me for my password to my Facebook account. He would check it and ask me questions every day, then physically abuse me. If I didn't sit down fast enough he would kick my leg, if I went too far out of his reach he would pull my hair, if I pissed him off he would slap me. Then one day he dragged me into the middle of the woods threw me up against a tree put his hand over my mouth and the last thing I heard was is buckle come undone.

I do things that hurt others around me and they love me for me but I don't love myself. I am unhappy with who I am and sometimes even ungrateful for what I have. It's not entirely all my fault, but most of it is unnecessary. When I need help i'd do everything I can to get that person's attention and when they start to try to help me I push them away so they feel the feeling of rejection as I felt it when my mom left me. I've also heard I will push people away so I hurt them before they could have a chance to hurt me.

There is pain. Knowing the one person who is supposed to love you just left you to die. It hurts. You feel like you're nothing. Then you're put in the orphanage where "no one cares". It's true that I am brought up to think that. Because it's all I have been shown. That people don't stay. How is a child expected to think that a new family will love them and not leave? To me it's like wandering in the woods lost. Looking for the slightest bit of hope. I feel like my identity has been thrown away and I am supposed to be a person I am not. Because of my past my thoughts and decisions can be distorted and often wrong. Not knowing the unknown is one of the scariest things I can imagine. It haunts to no end. Leaves one just sitting there wondering. Wondering why and how this happened to you? It hurts and one can't escape it. No one understands unless you know how it feels to be removed and abandoned. I give my parents and others so much pain so they can see a bit of how I felt when my mom left me.

If someone was to ever ask me if I am safe I would say no. If someone ever asked me if I was happy I would say yes. The feelings that go on in a person's head are real. They can also get out of hand ... Mine did but as we figure out what these feelings mean we learn to grow as a person. Unfortunately some can never have an understanding and they struggle with themselves. Indeed everyone has problems. But it's those who choose to acknowledge them or to do something about it come out ahead in life.These feelings can made a person insane. They are real and some people don't know how to deal with their feelings. They can create destructive habits and hurt others as well as themselves. But when you find how to deal with these feeling and you understand them you can have a better approach to situations and life.

I'm sorry, none of the things I do are because of you. It's not something that I can't help. It's my way of coping and I know it's not safe. All I can say is I am sorry. But I know exactly what I was doing. That's the part that's messed up. I ask why I do this and it's because it's my way of finding clarity and it's also a way of punishment because I have the wrong thoughts and do things before I think. It's a vicious cycle that I have been sucked into for years and I have tried my best and hardest to get out of it but sometimes it just comes right back and I can't control the urges or my thoughts. I want to apologize but it's my way of dealing with my mental pain and trying to make the bad things go away. It's all I've known for years.