Howl Radio

"Welcome to Hoooooowl Radio! I'm your host, A. Wolff!

"In today's juicy news, 'Ol Peter's got himself in trouble with the local authorities for kidnapping! Seems you can't keep a woman in a pumpkin shell very well." I sniggered and flipped over my sheet of notes.

"Here's a meaty tidbit...The old lady who lives in the shoe has recently become engaged to the muffin man. Looks like those kids of hers will finally have some bread to go with their broth!"

Brushing an arm over my mouth, I wiped off a string of drool. The thought of all those kids running around made my stomach growl.

"A peck of pickled peppers was found near Humpty Dumpty's broken body. Peter is being sought for questioning." My laugh came out as a bark, "That poor guy just can't seem to cut a break!

"In happier news, Jack raised over three thousand dollars in his candlestick jumping marathon. Proceeds are being sent to poor little Jill, who went tumbling down a hill and straight into the hospital last week...

"And now we're on to today's daily segment, I've Got a Bone to Pick. This is where you, my faithful listeners, call in and yip about whatever injustices you've experienced..."

Three green lights suddenly lit up on my phone. I tapped the first line with a claw.

"Hello, caller! You're on the air!"

"Hiya, Wolff man! So I stopped to greet the new neighbors that moved in yesterday and they like, totally blew me off, man."

"How so?" I snarled.

"Well, man, I was going to invite them over for dinner but they wouldn't even open their door when I knocked, man! Not only that, but their place is like a total pigsty. They're, like, gonna totally bring down the property value on my house, man.
"I mean, is it even legal to have a house made out of straw?"

"Can't answer that one, caller," I sniffed, "Perhaps our next whiner will know."

I hung up on the first caller and clawed the button to speak with my next guest.

"Yeah, Big Bad here, that other guy needs to contact the witch that lives in the cottage made of sweets about the straw house. She's the one in charge of building permits..."

"Thanks for the info, Big Bad," I panted, "Now tell me, what's your beef?"

Big Bad whimpered, "Last Friday I was working on Mrs. Hood's garden when she slipped and fell. Being the gentleman that I am, I carted her off to her bedroom and was just about to call her doctor when her brat of a granddaughter busts in and accuses me of identity fraud.
"Since then I've been on the lam, so to speak, as one of the boys from the Woodcutter Gang has been trying to hunt me down."

"Sounds like someone has an axe to grind with you," I growled.

"It's the little girl," Big Bad whispered. "But she acts so innocent, I can't get anyone to believe--"

There was a sudden shuffling on the line. I could hear Big Bad howling and the sound of glass shattering before the phone went dead. My tail gave a nervous twitch as I cleared my throat.

"I think it's time for a little music, folks. Little Boy Blue has requested, Lil' Red Riding Hood by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs..." I gulped, flipped the switch, and let the music play.