Abandonment and Distraction

Sitting down and learning computers is something I’ve avoided for a while. I’ve always thought it was something I could never learn but thing is, I can’t even sit down and tell myself to learn.

There’s some fear around continuing education around work, such as learning linux, scripting, troubleshooting, etc.

1. I’m afraid I will never be good
a. Compared to others I really stink
2. I’m afraid of something.
a. Lots of distractions on needing to do something else.
3. I don’t know where to start.


The last point is something probably most difficult to deal with. I don’t know where to start and keep pushing myself in different directions.

One thing I’ve started to get more of a focus on is, instead of learning programming, why not focus on the following:

1. Getting past the initial fear of learning
2. Develop some logical, methodical thinking
3. Force yourself to think differently

I think if I can do all the above, it can become second nature.

One of the things triggering the want to play video games is when I’m left alone. For example, if Tricia isn’t home or goes to take a nap etc. The urge to fire of the console hits me. It’s like I can play without being judged. Like I feel ashamed if they are around anyway. I don’t like playing at all when other people are around. Got lots of the shaming at an early age I guess.

So why though? Why start up the xbox or PC? What is the pull? There isn’t a gain other than progressing in game. No benefit to myself financially, that I can see, to Tricia or to my upcoming son. Why do I do it? It was a distraction when I first started. It distracted me from when my Dad left us in Colorado to go to work in California. I can rememmber playing all day while my mom cried in her bedroom. I don’t remember checking on her at all.

I wonder what she felt like. Scared because she wondered if she could handle me on her own? Scared because she was afraid she wanted to leave?

What did he feel? Relief to leave? Scared? Did he miss me? Was it a fake I’m single but not really because I have a family but I can pretend at least? I don’t have to be around for this life? I don’t have to physically see you or help you move etc?

What if my mom was brave enough to say “no more”? Would he have agreed?

I can see why sometimes I feel that I want to be alone. To win the lottery and just do road trips, or just play video games.

Am I trying to recreate that moment?

Are video games my time to feel vulnerable? Or “single”? Like life isn’t around for those moments? It’s just on pause?

When it comes down to it, I am married and have a son about to be born. I have to be present for him and her, just like Tricia has to be present for both of us. I want to create the situations of not being far apart for too long because of work or whatever it is.