As Makeup Runs Down Your Cheeks

Prologue

The computer screen sat there, just staring back at me. Are you sure you want to do this? Yes, it feels right. Scary, but right nonetheless. I click the button to finalize my order and watched as the rainbow wheel spun and it processed. Finally, it was done and the little 'Thank you for your order!' displayed on the screen.

It was dark, the room only lit up from my computer. Last I looked at the clock it was around three in the morning. Even though the action itself only took a few minutes to complete, I've been up all night debating its merits and risks. I shut down my browser, turning off the computer monitor, and flopped down on my bed that was across the room. I waited patiently as my eyes adjusted to the now pitch black room. I can't believe I'm doing this. It won't be so bad, will it? I tried to will my mind to stay on the good things, to stay on the memories that my heart could handle to replay.

We roamed the streets of our hometown of Richmond, California, laughing carefree just like usual. The whole group was there. It was dark, well after midnight. The boys just got done playing a small show at one of the local clubs. We were all still on the post-show high. I had his hand in mine and felt completely safe, completely happy with how life was panning out for all of us. I was sixteen years old, he was seventeen. I just got a job at a local makeup counter in the mall, while their band was growing in popularity. They were leaving next week to play as show in Pasadena, California; It was going to be a huge break for them and I couldn't have been prouder.

It wasn't long before the others headed back to their homes, leaving just him and me alone as he walked me back to my house. We walked in silence, but it was comfortable. We stopped under the old oak tree that stood in my backyard. This place had so much sentimental value to each of us and it was one of our go-to spots to see each other. He gently stroked my cheek with his fingers before kissing me goodbye. I watched him as he walked down the alleyway before I headed inside. He only lived a few roads down from me. I had a stupid grin on my face as I flopped into bed that night, something that always happened when I went home after seeing him.

Without warning, the memory started to change, switching to darker ones; the ones I have tried so hard over the course of the last four years to suppress and hopefully forget about.


I wrapped my arms around my chest and tried to contain all the pieces that were slowly falling apart. Tears stained my cheeks as I realized like I did every morning that things have changed. My life is nothing like it used to be. School lets out in a few days and I'll be graduating, but his absence is everywhere, staining the halls. I pull a binder out of my backpack and grip onto that until my knuckles turn white so I don't look like such a crazy person. There's nowhere safe from the pain. Every place I go, every turn I take is a new stab in the heart. If he'd just answer my calls! Explain what I did wrong! My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pull it out, hoping it was him only to have my heart crushed when it turns out to be his best friend instead.

“Are you okay?” He said before I could even get out a hello. I didn't answer, I was scared to speak. I felt like if I uttered even a small word,
I'd lose whatever control I had to not burst out crying. “I'm so sorry. I really am. I'm here if you need me. I didn't know he had this planned, I swear, ” I hung up before he could say anything more. I couldn't hear his name because all it brought was pain. I bypassed my first class and ran outside the double doors to the parking lot. Without thinking, I got into my car and drove away. School was the last of my worries at this point when we weren't even doing anything anyway. I went straight home. I was never the type of child to run away or disobey my parents. As soon as I walked through the front door, my mom came to see what was wrong.


“I couldn't do it, mom. I just couldn't,” She pulled me into a hug as I cried heavily into her shoulder.


“It's okay, hon. I'll call the school and tell them you're sick,” She patted my back before leaving to use the land line in the kitchen. I could hear her speak with the receptionist. I laid down on the couch and let myself be swallowed by everything I was trying to hard to resist. I heard my mom's footsteps walk back into the living room. She carefully placed a blanket over me. She moved the coffee table so it was a bit more in my reach and set down a steaming cup of my favorite tea next to the remote. She kissed the top of my forehead, trying to comfort me. I laid there, staring at the blank TV for hours before sleep finally saved me from my pain.

I curled up with my blanket, trying to stop the memories from coming. I tossed and turned the rest of the night, unable to sleep until finally dawn began to break through the sky. I got up and got ready for work, just like every day, pushing my way through the pain.