Breakdown and a gateaway

The feelings were getting more intense, as the days go by. For many days, she could barely step out of the room. Darkness fell over and over, and she sat hidden, crouched in front of her laptop, clinging desperately to the shows as the soundtracks flowed in the background of her consciousness. Her thesis laid somewhere, forgotten, though the next draft was due to be submitted for review with her supervisor soon. It was already nightfall and she had yet to eat since she had woken up in the middle of the day - she simply couldn't bear the thought of going out of the room and meeting them, knowing that she did not belong and hating the anxiety-provoking sight of being left out. Not knowing how to deal with the constant conflicts and disagreements had also strained her and the thoughts swirling in the back of her mind had returned to haunt her with a vengeance. Munching on the tim-tams that were kept in her drawer, she wept and resigned to her current predicament.

The talks and bargaining that were going on were proving to be futile and she had purchased the necessary items. And really, all she wanted was a good sleep. She broke open the blister pack of pills and popped them into her open mouth, trying her best to swallow them down with the swig of moscato wine that she had gulped down. The bitter tangy sweet of the combo gagged her, yet she persisted through it. As blister packs after blister pack of pills were used, she could feel her eye-lids becoming heavier and heavier and before she knew it, darkness claimed her and she fell into an oblivion.

When her eyes next open, she wept. Not with joy, but with the painful realization that she was still breathing. She noticed her favourite soft toy beside her and had awoken to the sights and sounds of the busy emergency department of the university hospital. It was foreign, and she felt very scared, bewildered and confused. People in polo-tees were tending to others who were seated in the individual cubicle and she was lodged in a cubicle, and ignored. Nobody had bothered to update her when she had awaken to the hustle and bustle. Confusion, anger and agitation overwhelmed her, and she clutched her plush tightly to herself. Getting up, she got off the trolley and was stopped by the sight of an angry woman who was glaring at her, her hands on her hips. What happened next was a blur to her. The woman (who was a nurse) ordered her to stay in the cubicle or leave, which further increased her sense of bewilderment. One thing led to another and before long, things escalated into self-destructive behaviour (of trying to swallow alcoholic handwash) and restraints being applied. As she thrashed about in fear, fury and helplessness, she could feel a prick on her left arm and it was not long before darkness engulfed her as her eyes closed yet again. The last thought in her mind was a deep fear of her favourite plush being taken away by that awful fierce nurse.

What followed was a haze of memories for her as restraints were applied, and it was many hours before she was wheeled into the ICU equivalent of psychiatry in that hospital. The days that followed were eventful, and reinforced to the protagonist profound, life-changing and poignant lessons on life in a mental ward - lessons that she had since forgotten. At times, it seem as though life was more severe and restrictive as compared to being back 'home', though attempts to be more humane in their approach towards the eight patients housed in the unit meant somewhat more freedom, less darkness and better meals as compared to the locked down psych unit back home. Memories of restlessness during the day, of the hourly checks during night patrols by the nursing staff and of camaraderie with the other inmates back in Margaret Tobin unit interspersed with the sense of isolation at being thrown into isolation by the burly guards after an episode of acting out. Attempts to make sense of the past memories - of dissociation, sandwiches and cutlery restriction within that period of 13 days within the unit ensued.