Journal Entry Writing to my Master

Today I sit waiting. Trying not to think a lot because that is what I have been trained to do. The hunger is great , so great at times i just slump over in my chair and feel the surges. I know i have tried over the years to explain what it feels like. Its not being horny . Its a deep hunger for what You allow. It is combined with all the things You feed me with. Over the years you over took me more and more. I know I am your slut , your slave but You have also Dominated all my dark parts and owned them to the point , i know it would do no good to go out and look for anyone else . No other would even begin to compare to what you are. I did like being on bdsm websites because it was somewhere to be near the lifestyle but then you brought up the other day how vanilla that site really is and not truly the lifestyle so now when i go there that is all i think of . I know there may be some others somewhere who isn't into all the kink and sex and surface but They would probably be hiding and silent peering out ...hunting. My thoughts shift to why do i need to be on any site anyway. It would be so good to be allowed to be a site with You again but that is your choice not mine. I examined my selfishness and know its about my submission and to offer and do things to show my submission. The problem is i dont know what to offer anymore . i hope it comes to me. I know that i don't want to disobey and what i did last week hurt more than what i found out disobeying. Then i think that you need someone strong and to switch and i can be that way and i have been so then its the endless circling that rips at me. I start to be strong and know i can stay away or think why am i doing all this for What im allowed. Then the memories of the feelings and the smells and the flavor and the bliss and the room spinning as I am beneath you but floating into You, feeling You Hover . I give in and I wait and start doing all the tasks I know i am suppose to do while waiting . And i try to think of what the next thing is i can offer. It is scary at times because i think I know He hasn't hurt me in all these years but What happens when i have nothing more to offer but you trained me to not have fear. yes it still creeps in and i look at how the training has taken me deeper and deeper.