Somewhere Else

Ross told me yesterday that I shouldn't be sad. Ellie SHOWED me this morning how I should be happy. What's interesting is that I don't feel any of that. There's not a word that would precisely cast a light on what the feeling is around this household.

Worst of all; my doctor has been telling me that I should stay "lateral" and not "perpendicular". He keeps repeating that word, "perpendicular". What if I don't want to?! Oh well, I can't do that anyway. So let him say whatever he wants.

It seems as though the car accident has been too much of a blow. Every few hours the pain seems to be brewing a spiral of horrible feelings in my head and the nurse gives me a pill. My brother hired her a few weeks ago. Sometimes I wonder, what if she forgets to slip a pill down my throat? What if she's wearing a headset or something? I'm going to have to live through the pain. It hasn't been that bad though. It can't get worse than this.

She finally did it. The nurse left me on the porch in the morning and went off doing her business and she can't seem to hear my cries. At noon, the sun seems to be burning and I can't reach the glass of water. Oh God, that's a pickle!

I've been told that Ross and Ellie died in that accident but I seem to have maintained my connection with them. They don't listen to my cries. They come and go as they please but, when they DO come, it just feels like a pleasant breeze in the hot-burning-sun and I shake like a weeping willow. I'm not there anymore and it just feels...different.