Day Two

He called me early, woke me after two hours of sleep. Without thinking I answered the phone, and the realization that waking up brings hit as soon as I heard his voice. He was telling me that he was awake, and that he would bring my wallet to me sometime today. I said okay. He said that he was sorry he woke me up, and to text him when I had slept more up if I'd like. I said okay. I thought he said goodbye, and I ended the call as I heard his voice on the other side of the phone still speaking. I called him back, and he said it was nothing. I said okay, and I said goodbye; but I wished it wouldn't have been nothing.

I stayed laying down, trying to find sleep again. Dreamless, peaceful, nothing can be wrong in the world as I sleep, sleep. But the more I lay still, the more my mind raced. Questions, that I didn't want the answers to. Images that no woman should have to handle racing through her mind. The more I tried to still the waves crashing in my mind and find the gentle tides of sleep, the more my heart burned and the more shallow my breathing became. Was this a panic attack? Was this a mental break down? I pulled on the closest hoodie and stepped outside to light my first cigarette of the day. Not even the sweet pull of nicotine at my mouth could calm the storm inside of me.

When I pulled off my hoodie, I realized that I had worn his shirt to bed. I pulled it off. I found a different shirt, and laid back down, hoping that the two hours of sleep I had would be calling to me for more. My heart was still burning; I can't sleep through a house fire. I opened my laptop beside me and stared blankly, trying to find interest in anything. Trying to find something to fill my mind with, to distract me from the stark reality that wouldn't even wait for me to put my feet on the ground. Nothing. A conscious thought occurred - am I hungry? No. Or else I was afraid to eat, because the chances of me being sick were at a high. What calms me? He does.

A girl on a string. I never believed that relationships could have breaks, because the heart cannot. I didn't trust him in that moment. I didn't like him. But I always loved him. Absolutely - with no qualification, restriction, or limitations; independently; not viewing in relation to other things or factors. Oh sick heart, you see with no eyes and hear nothing of what goes on outside of you. And yet you have the strength to shatter my bones with the choices that you make. And my head will tell me no, but my heart hears only two truths. That I am in miserable pain in which there is no medication to cure, and that I cannot help but to love absolutely. Oh broken heart, will you hold onto both truths until you are ripped to shreds?

I tapped out a message: I cannot sleep. And as it was sent to him, another message was also sent. That my heart had made a decision that my mind could not understand, and that my mind could not overrule nor control. That I was still fighting, somewhere in the storm inside my chest, I was still holding on. Almost immediately he replied with what seemed to be a heartfelt apology. My untamed mind shouted no - that you cannot be sorry if you have not changed. My made up heart said it's fine. And so we talked. Small talk, that in which I have hated for so long. Those little moments of having nothing to say, but never wanting to stop saying something. I wanted depth, I wanted to know him completely, but today I just wanted to know he was there. While a mountain of difficult things stood in front of us, I was content knowing that he still cared to know the little things.

Comfort. In this time, it was a luxury to come by. In the hours that ticked by since he told me his whole truth, I had found true comfort in only two things. In the handful of hours that slept had taken, and in the sound of his voice.