She Needed you....

Maybe she needed you more than you needed her.
Maybe, she just couldn’t tell you that she was afraid...
To be weak, to be rejected, for one more thing to not go the way she wanted it to.

Maybe if she could turn back time,
she would show you what was really going on inside of her.
If she could play it back for you, like a movie maybe.
She Would.

Maybe she feels terrible, did now and does now.
For not making enough money,
for not being able to save enough.
She missed you, with your toes in the sand,
In a beautiful white dressed.
She cried alone, feeling worthless as you danced,
feeling like a princess.

Maybe you remember everything,
maybe you can see all the things she was there for.
All the heart ache, the drinks, the journal entries.
Maybe both of you smile,
as a memory comes to visit you.
Maybe you both, for a moment feel as if you really belong somewhere.

Maybe, she sees the pictures of you,
and is so very, very proud of you.
Maybe, seeing you smile, so real and genuine,
lightens the darkness inside of her.
Maybe she wishes she was with you, smiling.
Or could smile at all.

Maybe she made bad choices,
but when you are that broken inside,
and the hurt is paralyzing you from within.
That is comes to the point that you will do anything,
just to not feel the pain.4
That it took everything in her to pretend to be okay,
pretend to be strong.

Maybe she had to be the strong one, the loving one, the caring one,
the responsible one.
She wasn’t given a choice.
She just wanted to be able to not buckle.
Carrying the world on your shoulders,
while fighting battles in every direction.
Watching the world you carry,
and love more than anything crumble.
Despite your efforts, despite fighting with every thing you had.
Steals parts of you away.
Makes you feel worthless,unlovable, pathetic, useless,
a failure.

Maybe she made more mistakes than good choices,
maybe you would have too.

Maybe she felt alone, acting happy, acting okay.
Maybe every single night, she sobbed alone
looking up,
praying she would die.

Maybe the guilt she feels for everything that she couldn’t change was
too much for her.
No matter what she did, she feels like a failure.
She let the people she love down, and they are gone.
And she can’t make it up to them

Maybe grief hit her harder than she had ever expected it to.
Maybe it was way too much too quick.
She didn’t give herself a chance to be weak.
Her babies needed someone one strong,
someone they could count on.
And he wasnt there.
Maybe every minute of every single day she feels like she let
the people she would die for down.
That she is nothing but a waste

Maybe she wanted you to call her out on her acting normal.
Maybe she needed your help, maybe she needed your strength.
She needed someone to love her unconditionally, no judgements.
Maybe she wished every day for someone to stand in her corner.
With no thoughts in the back of their heads,
that showed so apparent on their faces.
She needed someone to still see her heart, to still
know that she feels every emotion too much.
That she feels everyones pain, and their sadness
saddens her as much as them.
That someone could see her good heart.
That the one that would do anything for anyone needing help.
She would do anything at all to help.
Maybe she wishes someone would talk to her,
and not assume they know who she has become.

Maybe, she would have been much stronger, she thought.
And maybe you did too.

Maybe she wishes she felt comfortable enough,
to call you and tell you how horrible she feels every day.
Maybe she needs your grace
to remind her to find her own.

Maybe you can feel the love she has always had,
will always have for you.
Maybe you feel the same and maybe you don’t

If you can remember how deeply she feels everything,
you imagine how she feels every day.

Maybe your need her, maybe you have many times.
Maybe you missing a part of your heart.
Like her.
Maybe you both wish that you would wake up,
and it would be four years ago.