Despair

Despair

I’m sitting in grass, in a field near my house. It is day and the sun is in full swing. Curiously, I feel good. My skin is fresh; my bones are robust. I haven’t felt so good in a long time.
And in particular, I feel light. Very light.
Could the happiness realize ? After years of pain because of this damned disease, could I finally lighten my suffering, fill my remaining time with joy ?
I feel ready now. More ready than ever. I don’t know what but something has changed in me. I feel strong; I feel powerful. I can do it. I know I can.
I get up. I begin to do breaststroke movements. First slowly, then faster and faster. My movements become fluids (which hasn't occurred for a long time.).
Come on, come on. COME ON. In my effort, I fart. And slowly, I take off.
“YAHOOOOOOOOOOO !!!”
I’M FLYING !!! I’m rising, by flapping my legs now. I feel VERY good, I have tears in my eyes. There you go, I’m crying, and laughing at the same time. My arms and legs are on fire. I’m going up. I’m two meters above the ground now. My goal is to reach the sun's blinding light. The heat envelops me. The heat...it reminds me of my youth, when...when I burned the corpse of my grandmother, which had been holed by the knife that I was holding. It was the same heat. So hot. So...scorching ?
And suddenly…
...the grass below me moves, growing larger. What’s going on?
It becomes more and more dark. Suddenly, the tall grasses become lianas and head toward me. Oh no. Fear makes my movements more frantic. I don’t think I will be able to stay in these conditions for a long time. The grass catches me. No!! Quickly, I’m getting really scared, I even begin to sob. All of sudden, the lianas wind around my legs, my belly, my neck, my waist, and start to pull me down, slowly but surely…
I wriggle, I scream; I try to snatch the plants out of my body, but it doesn’t works. They pull me back to the ground. I touch the floor with my feet and I fell on the dark grass. The sun has disappeared, the sky is red and the house is not here anymore. I am again old, tired and thirsty.
I understand I’m no longer, and that I will not have another chance to go to heaven.
I let out a howl of despair.