Mr. Wiggles

MR. WIGGLES

I have a friend named Mr. Wiggles. Mr. Wiggles has red hair, green eyes, and really big ears that sometimes wiggle when he talks. That’s why I call him Mr. Wiggles.

Mr. Wiggles is really neat. He does things for me. One time he got me a little puppy. I didn’t tell my mom and dad Mr. Wiggles got him for me, though. Mr. Wiggles said I should just tell them that I found the puppy on the road, like he was lost. Mom and Dad put an ad in the paper to see if anyone would come get him, but nobody did. I knew nobody would, because Mr. Wiggles got him for me. I still have the puppy, but he’s not really a puppy anymore. He got real big, so I guess he’s a dog now.

Anyway, Mr. Wiggles is my friend.

Some people don’t think that Mr. Wiggles is real. But I know better.

Mr. Wiggles is very real.

Too bad Michael didn’t think he was real. Michael was my neighbor. He’s not around anymore. He was making fun of me and calling me a baby for having an imaginary friend, so Mr. Wiggles made Michael disappear. At least I guess he disappeared, because nobody can find him.

That’s one of the things Mr. Wiggles did for me.

I guess my mom and dad don’t think he’s real either.

When I first told them about Mr. Wiggles, they got into a big fight.

“Mark, why don’t you leave Eric alone?” my mom said. “There’s nothing wrong with him having an imaginary friend.”

My dad said, “Damnit, Carol! It isn’t healthy for a boy his age to still be pretending!”

My age? I’m six, for gosh sakes!

Anyway, they started yelling real loud, and my dad sent me to my room. They were yelling for a long time and I heard a bunch of crashing noises coming from the kitchen.

The next morning mom had a black eye. She told me not to talk about Mr. Wiggles anymore.

A couple of weeks ago I got another friend. I call him Bear, because he’s really big and he’s really hairy, and he looks like a bear. I don’t tell anybody about Bear. Not even Mr. Wiggles. He’s nice, but not as nice as Mr. Wiggles.

Because Mr. Wiggles does things for me.

Like last night. My mom had to go shopping, and while she was gone he came to our house and shot my dad.

Pow! Pow! Pow!

Right in the head.

I won’t tell anybody though, because now my mom won’t have any more black eyes.

And because Mr. Wiggles is my friend.

~ ~ ~

Two hours after killing Eric’s dad and tossing the murder weapon into the Hudson River, Mr. Wiggles walked into his house, grabbed a beer, and sat down on his couch. He had no regrets about killing the wife beater; assholes who did that deserved what they got, and besides, Carol didn’t love the bastard anymore, anyway.

She loved him.

“As long as that kid keeps his mouth shut,” he said to himself, “then Carol and I can live happily ever after.”

He raised the bottle to his lips, but before he could take a drink, a dark figure suddenly stepped out of the bathroom carrying a 9 millimeter Glock pistol.

“Who the hell are you?” Wiggles demanded, dropping his beer. He started to go for his own gun, but then he remembered he was unarmed.

“Let’s just say I’m a friend of Eric’s. He calls me ‘Bear’. And you’re Mr. Wiggles, I presume?”

“How did you get in here?”

The stranger smiled, showing his pearly whites. “Carol was nice enough to give me a key.”

“Carol?”

“You see Mr. Wiggles, I’m her new boyfriend. Which would make you…?”

Wiggle’s eyes widened with terror as Bear brought the gun up and aimed it at his face.

“Her ex-boyfriend, Mr Wiggles. Now you’re her ex-boyfriend.”

Pow. Pow. Pow.